I'm I unrealistic? Do I have too many expectations?

United States
March 5, 2007 3:01pm CST
I love my boyfriend and don't doubt he loves me. He's not very romantic and I am so here's my dilemma. I wish he'd kiss me more, I wish he'd tell me more how much I mean to him (I have to ask to hear it from him), I wish he'd hold my hand in public, etc I've talked to him about it and things change for a day but go back to the same. The last straw was when I picked him up from a 3 day trip and he just said hi. no hug, nothing. He says he's not the sensitive kind of guy. Guys out there, is this normal? Do I have cinderella expectations? Are any girls going thru this? What do i do? PLEASE HELP!!
3 people like this
5 responses
@Erinlpx (179)
• United States
5 Mar 07
Part of me wants to tell you that no matter how much you would like to, you just can't change people. That perhaps your partner just isn't a very affectionate person, isn't comfortable expressing his feelings physically or verbally, and that this may be something you just have to come to terms with. On the other hand though - a relationship that is functioning healthily involves compromise and understanding (on both parts). If I were you, I would speak with him about it again, letting him know that you need a certain amount of affection and assurance in the relationship, and explaining how it makes you feel when you aren't getting that. There could be many reasons for his lack of "romance", or he could just be one of those people who feels that he is expressing his love in other ways, so that is unimportant. Constantly harping on it though will ruin things, I'm sure of it - nobody likes to be nagged, so when you approach him about this again, make sure that you have spent a lot of time thinking over everything that you need to say, so that you are prepared for this. Think about how important this is to you, and what you need to do in order to get it, and make sure that he understands. Not in an antagonistic "You never do this" or a self-centered "What's wrong with me that you don't want to do this" but get into a neutral zone with it. "I'm not meaning to nag you, but I want to talk about this so that I can understand it - because this is how it's making me feel and I don't want this sitting between us anymore". Best of luck, I hope it all works out :)
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Mar 07
I think I might have crossed the lines to nagging about it now and thats why i'm wondering what next. Part of me says to make this what I want- to initiate the hand holding, etc and another part just dosen't care anymore. I'll have another discussion expressing my feelings... thanks so much for your advice!
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
5 Mar 07
You didn't say if he was this way when you first met. Since he is not your husband, why are you not exploring other relationships. It can't be comfortable for him to hear that you are dissatisfied, but it also sounds like he is being himself and will have a difficult time changing that fact. You are basically saying htat you want more romance, which is very different from a longterm relationship for many people, both male and female. YOur wishes sound a little like cinderella but many fellows need more physical contact also, so it isn't an issue that is limited to one gender. I guess it is time for you to decide what is more important. Romance or a life partner. Since you haven't mentioned a commitment on his part, I hae to assume that there isn't marriage in the near future. It might be best for you to seek someone who is more physically affectionate so that when a marriage does take place, you can be fairly sure that your needs will be met.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Mar 07
We are looking towards a marriage and i'd like this ressolved before I do get married. I hear what you mean about my needs being met by a more physical person. Thanks for your response. will think about it.
@RenaeT (688)
• United States
31 Mar 07
Hi! Thanks for the best response! That's my first one. I just wrote from my heart. Will you please keep me posted on what you do and how things are going? I'd really like to see how things work out for you. Renae
• United States
15 Apr 07
Hi and thanks again for your honesty. I'll be reading the books you suggested first. Have a grt wknd.
@MissMo (170)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I think that those expectations are completely reasonable and it's selfish of him not to meet them, because you really aren't asking much. However, if he won't do those things, there isn't anything that you can do to make him. I'm not sure what advice to give, other than to tell you that I think you're right and your expectations are not too high. And no, all guys are not like that.
• United States
6 Mar 07
Its true I can't change him. Thank you for your encouragement.
@sjohnson628 (3197)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I Have been thru that in a past realationship and It's wasn't a very healthy relationship (I don't think anyways) The one I'm in now is much better. WE have affection on a daily basis and it just makes me feel better about myself. It's hard to not get the love and romance you need. I don't think it's normal no hug at all after 3 days apart? I think I would look else where for love. But that's just me.
• United States
6 Mar 07
Thank you for your response.