Married Couples Sleeping In Seperate Beds/ Seperate Bedrooms

United States
March 13, 2007 6:34pm CST
A little while ago I watched a report on CNN about married couples whom sleep apart from each other meaning in seperate beds and in seperate bedrooms. A marriage therapist (I believe) stated that couples who sleep apart from each other on a nightly basis are prone to becoming distant from each other more quickly than those who share a bed, because of the lack of having the other's physical presence there in bed with them. What do you think about this issue? Do you believe that sleeping in seperate rooms and beds can cause a marriage to in a sense "break up"? As for me I am not sure about this issue, since I have an aunt and uncle whom sleep apart from each other on a nightly basis, and they still love each other very much, and I haven't seen really a distance issue with them. But than again I am not always around to observe their daily lives, and get an actual true opinion on the issue.
5 people like this
40 responses
• Kuwait
14 Mar 07
i don't know how are we go'n to call that kind of arrangement i knew some couple like that the wife if she's sleeping she don't want to be disturb and vice versa.so they're sleeping in separate bed and separate room.if one of them want to tell something they're just leave message in the dressing table or stick it in the mirror.for me if both couple are working and the only time for them to talk is during bed time-i don't know because for me to make the relationship work the number one ingredients is communication.
3 people like this
@joby_09 (498)
• Philippines
14 Mar 07
This is very unusual to married couples. Not unless they have relationship problems. But for normal couples, this is actually the first time that i've heard of this case. In my opinion, sleeping in separate rooms and beds MIGHT greatly contribute to the weakening of a relationship. Bedtime is a bonding moment for couples. Here, they get to know what happened to each other throughout the day and many other stuff. And it is also a way to show your love to your partner. As for your aunt and uncle, its good that they can still "keep the flame" despite sleeping separately. By the way, have you asked them the reason why do not sleep together? =)
2 people like this
• United States
14 Mar 07
As far as I know, they sleep apart because my uncle keeps my aunt awake with his snoring. I have never been around when they are asleep, but have heard from others in the family that his snoring could possibly wake the neighbors if they didn't live in a busy city.
• Ireland
13 Mar 07
The marriage therapist might be right about some couple but not for all. If I had to sleep with my husband I would have divorced him years ago. He snores so loudly that I am sure he can be heard for miles around. I couldn't get a wink of sleep while I was sleeping in the same bed and he couldn't sleep because I was always wakening him. Now we both sleep in seperate rooms and we both have a good nights sleep. I might also add that we have been happily married for 38 years and we have no intention of ever seperating...except at night of course...lol.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Mar 07
That is what I was telling the TV a few moments ago, because she was lumping all couples into one category, and saying that all marriages were in a sense doomed to fail if they slept apart from each other nightly. It really had me thinking that couldn't be true. So hense this discussion..lol Congrats on your 38 years of happy marriage. :)
• India
14 Mar 07
I would agree with the marraige therapist as far as my case goes. I feel physical presence is very much important to making a relationship intimate. I cannot imagine sleeping in separate rooms and beds on a day to day basis; once a while, i do manage. According to me, the distance issue can arise if the couple is newly married or have been in relation for few years only. I believe that after spending 15-20 years with each other and then sleeping apart, the distance issue maynot arise. But again it cannot be generalized and will depend from couple to couple.
@rpebad (89)
• Uganda
14 Mar 07
Its true couples who sleep separately on anightly basis are prone to break up reason being that in the process they get used to sleeping alone and gradually cope with the situation.remember you are never around all the time to inspect them.maybe they try to hide that from you.the truth of the matter is they are always prone to break up.
2 people like this
@meljessxena (2317)
• Australia
14 Mar 07
im unsure really what to think about this, but i know i couldnt handle being in a separate room from my partner it would just feel totally awkward. but i guess in a way it would have a problem that could cause a break up but all depending on how strong the marriage is and well why the reason to why they are sleeping in different rooms
2 people like this
• Philippines
14 Mar 07
I don't know. Maybe, it's a case to case basis. There might be people who are not comfortable sleeping with someone on their bed. In my case, i've always been used to having my husband beside me. As a matter of fact, before he leaves to work (he works at nightshift) he has to lay down beside me first til i get to sleep. So, i really don't know. However, the therapist may be right that it could be an issue of loss of love to each other, because somehow, the intimacy of being close together is lost in situations where couples sleep in separate locations.
@sincere (178)
• India
14 Mar 07
I too have gone through the news,that married couple are having two bedroom rather than one.But it doesnt mean that they fell out with eachother,or angry with eachother.the main reason found are snoring by male,cryinh of children in midnight and so on.In india if couple are having two beds and people know about it,Socially they are not considered a true spouse or they become the good source of time pass for public.So this is very rare case in my country but found commonly in western countries.
2 people like this
@sunnypub (2130)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I am so glad to read these comments and realize that I ma not the only one who likes to sleep in a different bed than my husband. I truly love my husband and I can usually deal with the snoring, but his thrashing around just drives me nuts. He has gien me a black eye before and lterally kicked me out of bed, I mean he kicked and I fell right out of bed. Not a great way to wake up. It is so bad that I have a hard time sleeping because I am afraid I am going to get hit. Every time he moves I throw my arms up to cover my face. Of course he is one of those that thinks if you sleep in different beds then there is something wrong with the relationship. He even told me that if I ever decided to get separate beds then he would divorce me. I try to get him to understand that it has nothing to do with me not loving him, but I need to get a good nights sleep and that doens't happen when I share a bed with him. Right now I spend at least 2 nights a week on the couch because our extra bedroom is being used. I really want my own room. I want to have good night's sleep again. Once our extra bedroom is free, we will have to address this issue, and if he really will divorce me because I want to sleep in a different room, then maybe our relationship does have issues that I am not aware of.
• United States
14 Mar 07
Just by reading the responses here, it is obvious that the only reason a couple sleeps apart from eachother is so they can get a good nights sleep. Maybe you should have your husband read some of the responses here and maybe that will help comfort him a bit. It's true that you don't love him any less, and you will love him the same you just need some sleep. I sympathize with you in the aspect of having an "active" husband while he is sleeping. Mine can be very active at times and my shines have plenty of bruises to show for it. Maybe, if you have a big enough room, have enough money for it, and you both can agree to it; try getting two twin or full beds and put them close enough together so that way you both can still have the sense of sleeping together, but far enough that when he becomes active you don't get hit by him.
@sunnypub (2130)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Yea, right now we have a California King bed which I thought would make things better but I was wrong. I take up about 1/4 of the bed and he takes up the rest, and he still manages to hit me. I am just ready for my own bed.
1 person likes this
• Canada
13 Mar 07
For me I couldn't sleep without having my hubby beside me. The nights that he works from 7 pm till 7 am and I have to go to sleep without him I toss and turn and barely sleep. I think that there are a ton of reasons why married couples might not share a bed. There could be one partner that snores loudly, talks in their sleep loudly, twitches and kicks around in their sleep, or even swings in their sleep. I don't know if they would break up because of it, but some might I don't know its hard to say. I'm not in that situation so those are just my thoughts.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Mar 07
I, like you, have a problem sleeping without my hubby's presence there in bed with me, so I have made it a thing to keep the same hours he does. He works from 4pm to 4am, so not only am I up when he gets home, we can go to bed together. Plays heck with my own schedule, but we have made it work out. I can understand about some people not wanting to be around their partner if they snore loudly, talks in their sleep loudly, or is an "active" sleeper. My hubby is constantly moving around and on a couple occasions has kicked me pretty hard, but I ususally just kick him back and go right back to sleep..lol
• Canada
15 Mar 07
I would stay up and wait for him like I did before I had our daughter, but now when he works from 7 pm till 7 am their is no way I can wait for him. If I did that I'd only get a few hours of sleep because our daughter gets up between 9 and 10.
@MySpot (2602)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I believe marriage is based on so much more than sharing a bed. Also, because they don't share a bed doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't still intimate either. My hubby and I shared a bed for years but we are not very compatible that way... He snores loudly and likes to smoke in bed (yuck)~ I toss and turn, flailing my arms and legs about which results in back aches for me and night time beatings for him! We do still share a bed periodically though... If we are feeling especially cuddly, we may nap together or if I've had a nightmare I will climb into bed with him to feel safe and secure. It hasn't put a damper on our intimate life because you can mess around almost anytime anywhere... actually, he has the big bed, so I like not worrying about who gets the 'wet spot' ; )
• United States
14 Mar 07
LOL. Too funny and true. I believe any married couple has had to deal with that little issue a time or two. I'm usually the one who ends up getting the nightly beatings from my husband since he is the active one when he is asleep. Have some bruises to show for it as well. I don't see how intimacy issues can arise with a couple sleeping apart from each other, because it's true intimacy can happen at any time, if a person allows it to happen.
@cher913 (25890)
• Canada
14 Mar 07
Hubby and I sleep apart because I have major sleep disorders and do not get a good nights sleep when i sleep with him. But to combat that, we snuggle before i go to bed and get into bed with him at 6:30 and snuggle til about 7:15 am - we have been married for almost 20 years and are doing ok...
1 person likes this
@dlkuku (1936)
• United States
14 Mar 07
Maybe in some cases sleeping in separates beds can have some bearing on the breakdown of a relationship, but I would think if a couple lets that be an issue, there are probably other deeper issues in the marriage. My husband and I sleep together, and I know there are some nights when I wish I had my own room, he snores, and he also has restless leg syndrome. I also don't like being smothered when I am sleeping, and he likes to cuddle. Maybe for him it would be a bad thing, but I wouldn't mind it at all. I would be happy to just get a good night's sleep. I think if a couple is truly committed to each other, it really shouldn't affect the relationship.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16235)
• United States
14 Mar 07
Well we have only been married for six years and we sleep in separate rooms sometimes. Our son comes between us and even though we have tried sleeping altogether in our king size bed, it doesn't always work. One of us eventually gets pushed off the edge because my son sleeps all over the place. One of us ends up sleeping in the spare room. Our love for each other is still very strong and because we sleep in different rooms sometimes, doesn't mean we are drifting apart. Sometimes I sneak into the spare room early in the mornings before my son wakes up to get some "cuddle time" with my hubby. He loves it when I do that and vice versa. LOL
• United States
14 Mar 07
I can definately understand that one. I use to want to be with mom and dad constantly when I was younger, and they would let me sleep with them, but always said I was a holy terror cause I moved around so much. That's sweet that you and hubby get a few moments of cuddle time before your son wakes up. In a situation like that I would definately take to sleeping in different rooms rather than be rudely awakened by falling on the floor.
@Largecar (56)
• United States
14 Mar 07
To me I don't see a difference in if a couple sleeps in the same bed or apart. Just because they have different sleeping arrangements, does not mean that they will love eachother any less and can still enjoy eachother's company. Although I do understand some of the reasons that some couples sleep apart from eachother. I do feel that these issues can be overcome and certain arrangements can be made to suit each person and still be able to share the same bed. In fact I believe there are certain things out now that reduce snoring problems. There may even be a medical procedure that one can have to reduce snoring. Though don't take my word for it, I may be wrong.Also a person can place pillows in the sensitive areas so they aren't kicked, prodded, or slugged during the night.
• United States
14 Mar 07
I see someone has some experience with being kicked and poked during the night hours. :D lol I do have to agree though, usually when one is asleep that is all they are doing, so whether a couple share a bed or not they still will love each other the same.
@misskatonic (3727)
• United States
13 Mar 07
Hmm. You know, I don't know. For me, I have trouble sleeping with someone else in bed just due to how I have to sleep - I'm disabled. Plus I have involuntary muscle spasms which are very annoying and sometimes painful for anyone in bed with me. I think it really mostly depends on the couple - some people may need that closeness to keep the bond strong, some may not.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Mar 07
I was thinking that some couples may also need a sort of break from each other, and their times of sleep is that break. I have observed some couples whom take occasional "breaks" from each other, that their relationship lasts a lot longer. Most of our waking hours (besides going to work) are spent with our partners, so I think sometimes on occasion our partners can get on our nerves and it is at those times that many hardships arise causing the relationship to end.
@mauier113 (688)
• Philippines
15 Mar 07
MAybe it depends on how the couple relate with each other. In our case, my husband is not always with us so I dont have a husband to share the bed with. And when he's here, we share the bed but there were times I slept in another bedroom because I sometimes feel thet I'm not used to have someone beside me in bed, and he sometimes feel that way, too. But we love each and misses each other so much.
1 person likes this
@MissMo (170)
• United States
14 Mar 07
I think it would make sense that it would cause some distance. But to answer your original question, about if sleeping seperately can cause a couple to divorce or break up, I would assume that the couple was already having problems before they decided to sleep seperately. Kind of a chicken and the egg thing, you know? Like yeah, sleeping seperately could cause problems, but I think that there would have to be problems first to cause a couple to sleep seperately to begin with. Does that make sense? I know that it's probably not the case for everyone, but I can't imagine a reason why someone would want to sleep seperately from their partner unless they were having relationship problems, or one of them had a sleep disorder or something.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Mar 07
I think eventually it would draw two people apart, especially if they were physical during the dating stage of their relationship. if i had to sleep separately from my boyfriend after we were married, I'd find it easier to gt mad at him, and he would have a harder time getting me to calm down
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@alirana (297)
• Malaysia
14 Mar 07
I agree with you, that couple who sleep apart can make their marriage in any bad condition or broke off. As in my culture most of the marriage couples they don;t really share the bed frequently. They still loves each other very much.Actually marriage is not based on sleeping together only.Its the mutual love between both husband and wife.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Mar 07
As for me I dont think there is anyway I could sleep in seperate rooms. I cant hardly sleep when my husband is not there with me. I have heard from people that it helps them but I just dont see how. The bedroom is supposed to be a sacred place and not to share that just seems wrong. My mom does not sleep in a bed, she sleeps on the couch b/c she has back problems. I am not one to judge though if sleeping in seperate beds works for some people thats great I am all for people being happily married I just dont see me doing it.
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