Step children

@mamasan34 (6518)
United States
March 19, 2007 12:51am CST
I am marrying next month and I will become step-mom to two children on a part time basis. These children are very undisciplined and I don't agree with their mom's parenting techniques. They will be coming to visit soon and usually on visits their mother becomes quite a nuisance calling and yelling at us or tells the kids that we are bad people before they come over. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this? I don't want to be disprespectful to their mom even if I don't agree with her parenting or lack there of or her in general. I kind of feel like the man in the middle here.
11 people like this
47 responses
@crazylady (470)
• United States
19 Mar 07
I would have a friendly sit down with her, and remind her that tho she is their mom, and you can try to respect most of her wishes, that at your house some things may be different. That you would like to keep things peaceful for the kids sake, and she can help by not filling their heads with her opinions of us, because your husband is her kids dad, and there is nothing she can do about that now. Say it nicely but firmly. Good luck!!!
2 people like this
• United States
19 Mar 07
Why does everyone think that 'talking it out'is the way to go? It's ridiculous. The original writer will never have a moment's peace with this family and will end up divorced, too.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Mar 07
Ok! Why would you even say something that stupid to someone you don't even know and know nothing of her relationship except what she's just written!! That was so inappropriate and dumb it's not even funny!
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
21 Mar 07
It's ok Brandi! I take opinions from all walks of life. That is what this is about. I want to get all of the information I can! While I think a friendly sit down is not quite the answer, I do believe that being friendly and not posing a threat to her is important in this situation. Thanks!
@shila07 (514)
• Bhutan
19 Mar 07
YOu try to talk to their mother that you will try your best to be a good mother, and will give the best facilities to her children. Even if she doesnot get convinced, you tell their mother, that you will not be able to handle them if she interfares in their life.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
good idea, I will have to keep that in mind when I do eventually have to speak with her.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Mar 07
It could be that the ex-wife finds it difficult to admit that her husband is out to change her with you for a wife. She finds it hard to understand considering that they have in fact, two offsprings already. Bring this up with your upcoming husband. Maybe he can talk to the ex-wife about cutting the yells and bad remarks. The best setup will be having the kids around minus the mother during the visits. The way I see it in movies and tv, the mother may leave the kids with their father and then later comes back and picks up the kids at the time they agree on.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
That is something I will think on. I am sure she finds it difficult to let the kids come over to our house. I know I have had to do it and I found it difficult. I just hate the yelling and name calling she pulls when it happens.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 07
You must straighten this out before you make any kind of commitment (i.e. get married. i married a woman with three kids and it was a huge disaster. They were totally undisciplined and had the run of the household. Their mother would not say or do anything to them, and would not let me do so either. The marriage did not last very long at all. Work this out before you get married or the marriage probably won't survive.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
I hope that isn't the case. I am sorry to hear your marriage didn't work out. We both agree on discipline in the home, it is more an issue with his ex-wife and how I should handle that situation. I am just trying to be amicable for the kids!
1 person likes this
@coolmailraj (2460)
• India
19 Mar 07
Being nice to children always help, onme more thing that can make you think positively is the fact that you are going to face them for a small period (on regular, basis taht's anotherthing).
• United States
19 Mar 07
First of all, I think that their mom is being disrespectful to you when she tells them that you are a bad person. Dont worry to much about how she is going to take getting her feelings hurt, b/c she obviously hasnt worried about yours. You gotta let the kids know quik that you arent horrible. Their mom needs to except you esp. since you are getting married to their father soon.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
The kids are very loving to me when they are at our house. They just come to me and tell me what has been said. I tell them that their mom shouldn't say things like that and that it isn't nice. I also tell them that I like their mom and she is just worried about them. I hate kinda fibbing to them, but they are ok with it and it makes peace.
1 person likes this
• India
19 Mar 07
just ignore them as best as you can. see, none of us like to be contradicted, more so by the other woman! you would have done the same if you were in her shoes (so would have I). in the first place, you should not have agreed to have the kids over, no matter for how small period of time. now that you have invited them and agreed to yourself to be a civilised hostess, please stick to your senses. the hours will definitely pass, they will leave but you will feel nice inside if you can just ignore her barbs and keep a smiling composure. there is no way you can win any argument with her, you will only be left with bitter memories and an embittered future husband! also remember that they are not your children (i may sound selfish, but its true), dont involve yourself too much into their well-being. they should enjoy the time spent with you and go back safely to their mom, but dont overdo it, otherwise they may never want to leave!!!
2 people like this
@tanaclark (570)
• United States
20 Mar 07
I think you are doing the right thing. I think all you can do is speak with their father and let him know how you feel. Let him know your frustrations. You should also consider very deeply if you can handle marrying into this situation.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
20 Mar 07
I have considered all angles of this situation. I believe I can handle this. I have spoken with my fiance and he is very sympathetic and agrees with what I have to say on this issue. He sees the problems too. So we are united on that front and that makes it easier. Thanks for the input!
• United States
21 Mar 07
I read somewhere here that they mind you and your soon to be husband.. and not their mother or grandparents.. I have a nephew and a neice and when they come over and spend the weekend with us we had no problems out of them.. They had manners with us.. They loved to come and spend the weekends with us.. Oh my god going home and the way they were treated by their parents its no wonder they loved coming to our house.. We didnt yell at them, we talked to them and listened to what they had to say..Not belittle them.. We let them be kids..If my husband and I was having fight we would tell the kids to go outside and play. They are older now and they still respect us as we respect them... I dont know if this would help any since they are not my step children..But maybe something I said may be helpfull..
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 07
Maybe one of the girls that lies is only doing this to get attention? I have been married for almost 12 years.. I have 4 step-daughters and 5 step grandkids... My sitution is somewhat different because they will be staying with you at your home.. Since we live in a different state from his girls they never stayed with with us.. Thats why I talked about my neice and nephew.. But my youngest step daughter lies too and she only does it to get attention.. She is 26 years old.. She's another story... I am not really their step mother I am their father's wife.. Maybe their mother has hygiene problems and just never taught them the right way.. I dont know how old your soon to be step childern are.. Maybe you need Super Nanny to come to your home to help you out..lol Its very hard to be a step parent.. I think..
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
21 Mar 07
Thanks for the comment. My situation is a bit like that. We don't see too many problems behavior wise when they are at my house. What I do see is a lot of hygiene issues and the way they speak to each other and how mean they are too each other. One of the girls lies a lot. It is not your average/normal kids fibbing to get out of trouble. She comes up with elaborate ones when we call her on things. When we drop them off, they become different kids. It's a very strange situation. My biggest thing is dealing with their mom. So, I take that one day by day.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
22 Mar 07
Their mother has severe hygiene problems. When the kids would come to visit all of their clothes would be filthy, even the clothes she packed for them. I would have to wash all of it. I mean she literally packed dirty panties and socks, the whole nine yards. I ended up doing what my fiance's mom told me to do and just buy clothes and stuff for them when they come over. She said she had the same problem when they would come visit her. Now we live in another state, so they can't come to visit here. Their mom is also a pathological liar, she has been diagnosed with extreme bi-polar disorder, she's been hospitalized twice, she was arrested for domestic violence against my fiance. You see where this is going? I can just imagine why her daughter lies all of the time. We are considering filing for full custody if it gets any worse. Right now they are staying with her sister and we feel that they are safe there as long as their mom is under supervision. What you said is very helpful!
• United States
20 Mar 07
well alot of pyscartists say that in this instance you need not do any discipline at all it should be the daddy's job and you support him in the discipline. another words your a stranger (even if you been there for years) support him in the discipline and frankly he should talk to his ex and you stay out of it altogether. I know this seems rash and harsh but even Dr Phil says that is what a step parent should do and My friend married a aman who had 5 children and she didnt do this and life has been horrible but another friend did do all I just wrote you and the kids grew to love her and except her and life is great.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I like Dr. Phil. I try to stay out of the discipline. I talk to them about what I feel is right and wrong in my house and they seem to be ok with that.
@bicklelady (1404)
• United States
19 Mar 07
You should not have to do nothing. Your soon to be husband should put his foot down. While the kids are with yall. She should not have no reason to call unless she is telling the kids goodnight. If she keeps telling the kids how bad yall are, I would threaten to take her back to court and tell the judge that she is brain washing the kids. You are in a bad situation and your hubbys x need to grow up and think about the kids. It sounds like she is just resenting your husbands new life.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
I think that is some of it. She was like this when they were married too. I just try to keep my mouth shut and treat the kids nicely at our house. I believe actions speak louder than words and they will see as they get older what is what.
• Philippines
19 Mar 07
its hard to have step children but its part of marrying someone if they have kids its a package deal you really cant do anything about it and practically takes time to take over someones else place it would take time and another thing is are they unrespectful because you took the place of thier mom if that is so it would take a lot of talking to tham and gaining thier respect
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
These are all very good insights! I will definitely have to implement them.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 07
For starters I would sit my husband down and talk with him about the situation.next,I would try to have an amicable conversation with the mother and let her know that when the kids are over at your house that you will take care of her kids.You guys may run your houses different but, let her know that there will be rules and regulations and the kids are going to have to abide by your rules when they come visit.
• Bangalore, India
19 Mar 07
thats right.....it is a very difficult task to cop up with them if they are little grown up. There involves everybody's psychology. In this case by a marriage she has to love and take care of the husband and the Children. A lot of observations and studies required to adjust with the situation. Indeed this will take a lot of time
@mouse27 (1155)
• Canada
20 Mar 07
i would tell her that jsut like she has rules in her house or that the kids are allowed to get away with certain things with her they just aren't going to be able to do it with you. i tell that to other peoples kids all the time when i'm watching them and i get well my mom lets me do it.. i simply say i'm not your mom and if your mom wants to let you do it then she can go ahead but i'm not taking the chance of you kids getting hurt. so with me its by my rules not mom. i'm sure their father would agree with this too. there mother shouldn't be saying anything bad to the kids about you or their father thats wrong....i've been in lots of relationships where i didn't like the mother of the kids but i loved the kids to bits and i made it clear that it was my house my rules ....
1 person likes this
@mouse27 (1155)
• Canada
20 Mar 07
i want to add something else after reading all the responses. i have a step dad and my mom taught him that if he is going to be a part of our lives he has to learn to discipline us to that she can't always be the bad guy and him the good guy...the kids are gonna hate you at first of course. but as long as you have valid reasons for the discipline and you keep your future hubby post on what has happened then there will be no surprises when his ex phones him to B!tch at him about it. then he can put his argument with her into defending him.
1 person likes this
@mouse27 (1155)
• Canada
20 Mar 07
i mean defending you not him lol
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
21 Mar 07
I see what you are you saying!
@kitkat1 (1227)
• Canada
19 Mar 07
Well gurl i hope for your sake it gets better but the only difference between me and you is the fact i had three kids of my own going into my marriage with two step children and well i am now a single mom again i just couldnt take it. It was hell on earth. And you know if you plan on having kids of your own you may want to think long and hard on the impact on them. Jealousy big time will cause alot more kaos then is going on now. Good luck maybe it will be different for you i hope it is. Sorry for being so neg ok.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
20 Mar 07
That is quite alright, I understand where you are coming from. My former marriage was like that. He has a child that was absolutely spoiled rotten and when she came to stay she walked on water and was able to get away with murder because of her dad and my child was left holding the bag. It made me very angry when my daughter came to me and asked me why he loved the other child more than her. What was I supposed to say? This time is a bit different. My fiance are united on this front. We both agree with each other on his ex-wife.
@weemam (13372)
21 Mar 07
i think if it were me I would try and make friends with them and let their mum and dad do the discipline bit , once they get to know and trust you then you could relax a bit more , xx
• United States
19 Mar 07
I have a step-mom....and I HATE her. So, if you don't want to make the children hate you....don't take on any form of someone who can discipline them. It is NOT your place. It is there father's and mother's place. Plus, give it time. They are not going to automatically accept you. Can you really blame them? I read in a book about divorce that step parents often see themselves as "healers of the family" but the children often believe there parents might get back together (denile). When the child realizes that the parents are not going to be back together...along with the step parents martyr behaviors...the child usually gets angry and causes conflict. Which makes the step parent feel even more like a victim.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
Thanks for that insight. I am trying to be more of a friend to the kids rather than a stepmom. They behave very well for me and my fiance when they come to our home, so I don't even really have to discipline them at all. It is when they go home or to their grandparents we notice that there is a problem. I am very careful how I present myself to the kids. I don't want them to hate me in the long run for the same reasons you just listed.
1 person likes this
@Stringbean (1273)
• United States
19 Mar 07
You have a difficult life ahead and if you don't get the problem figured out before you marry, it will probably only get worse. I think your fiance should sit his children down and tell them that there will be certain rules in your household that they will be expected to obey. They may not be the same as those in their mother's house. He should also tell them that they are to show respect to you. After that, I would try to stay out of it as much as possible and let your husband handle problems with the kids. They aren't your kids and they already have a mother and a father so don't let yourself be caught in between. I wouldn't allow their mother to call and yell about anything at all. Just tell her that you or your husband will be happy to discuss things calmly with her, but no yelling or you will hang up the phone, and I would do just that. You can't control what she tells the kids about you, but if they are kids with normal intelligence, they will see for themselves that what she says is not true. Just ignore any reference to what she says about you. Good luck. I know you are going to need it, and a lot of patience.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
The patience I am definitely working on! The kids are just dolls, but they lack alot of discipline, but they have had the talk with their dad and do well in our home. It is mostly their mom that causes the head aches. I can understand her position for the most part. So, I am trying to stay out of it, I just know in the future I would like to be better equipped with advice from you guys because she is speaking of confronting me soon. I am nervous about that. Thanks!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Mar 07
Well, the thing about this is that you're also their mother now, whether they (the kids) or she (the mother) like it or not! You have a new title now...Step-mother! Which means that it won't be disrepectful of you to step in with your own techniques of parenting! These children will be spending plenty of time at your house (I'm assuming) because they'll be around their father maybe at least on weekends if not more?! Right!? So you don't have to let these children be disrespectful and disobedient in your home! If their mother wants to be childish and immature in telling these children that you're bad people right before they come over, then....let her! Depending on how old the children are, I'm sure you can win them over with kindness and love and show them that their mother is wrong about you guys! Eventually, as the children get older, they'll see what their mother was trying to do and know that she was wrong in her actions and they'll understand what was going on! So, basically she's making herself look stupid to these kids a little more everytime she acts in this behavior! I say Let Her! She's the one that looks like a fool! Good luck with the kids and congratulations on your new marriage!
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
My fiance has talked to his kids about respecting our home, they are pretty good about it overall, it is just when we go elsewhere, I can tell that they have issues with listening. I do love them very much and I really appreciate your comment!
1 person likes this
@psmanian (40)
• India
19 Mar 07
Plese do not approach the children with pre-determined mind as they are bad. If you have a will you can change them. Shower your love to make them get into your path.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
I think they are absolutely adorable. I love them unconditionally. I can't have anymore children so I am thrilled to have them in my life. I know they have emotional problems but when they are in our home, I try to give them all of my love, I want them to be able to feel comfortable and loved at our house.
@ragmama (536)
• United States
19 Mar 07
It sounds like you've gotten some great advice already, so I'll just wish you good luck. My mom recently remarried and is in a similar situation...maybe I should pass some of these tips on to her, as she is well and truly miserable because of the children, and lives for the times they aren't around. I feel so bad for her, and I hope you're not put into the same situation. Best of luck to you.
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
19 Mar 07
I am sorry to hear your mom is having that experience. I hope that these tips do help her! They sure are giving me something to think about! Thanks for the well wishes!