why does she always do this???

United States
March 21, 2007 10:41am CST
My mom really hurts me and I don't know how to make it stop! I have tried to talk, I have tried to cry and yell and nothing works. Long story short...I am moving in a month or so from Texas to Florida. My mom HATES he idea because I am moving away with the kiddos. She has always disliked my husband and blames him. She says that he forces me to do things and he is taking me away from her. This couldn't be further from the truth. Me and my husband talked about this job and this opportunity for weeks before deciding that moving is the best thing for our family. My husband's new job pays more and everything. It's just a great opportunity. Well, my hubby came home for a visit this last week and we decided on a bunch of stuff including that I will be moving in about a month and I will pack it all up and drive a moving van--with the kids--to Florida. I am 36 years old and I am the mother of two. I am smart and confident! I can do this...it's not too hard! Well, I informed my mom today of our plans and she is PISSED! She, again, is blaming my husband again that he is getting out of moving and MAKING me do it!!! This is BULL! We decided together. I tried to tell her this, but she says he's a jerk and a lazy bum for not coming back to help me move. OK...here is the problem. He is our ONLY source of income. He needs to work! Second, it will cost about $800 for him to come back home just to help me pack some boxes! Yes, we have a couch and bed and a few things like that, but we also have family here and I thought that family helped family. But, according to my mom...nobody will help me! So, I am on my own, I guess. She is SOOO mad at me for this and I start feeling bad and second guessing myself. WHY??? I am 36 yrs old! I am quite old enough to drive my kids across 2 states to meet with my husband. In a perfect world, we would have enough money to hire movers and everything, but we have to do what we have to do. I am just so mad! I know that she is sad that I am moving, but instead of showing me love and sadness, she turns it around and pours on guilt and anger! I am so sick of this! I just don't even want to tell her anything. She gets so mad when me and my sisters talk to each other and not talk to her about important things..w.ell, this is why...we get lectured! She doesn't treat me like an adult and a capable person. She treats me like I am a 10 year old! I am sick of it!
6 people like this
13 responses
21 Mar 07
We never stop worrying about our children - no matter how old they are! Also of course - it can (but we as parents of older kids SHOULD make the effort!!!) be hard to accept our child's choice of life partner - because we see the partner so differently. Has your husband ever given your mum anything to dislike about him - or is it a matter of her thinking she's lost you to him forever? Does he ever try and keep you from your family? Think hard about it. If you are sure he doesn't and that it's your mom's attitude that is straining the mother and daughter relationship - then perhaps you could try and explain it to her before you leave? As for you having to do all the moving - well yes - from her point of view your husband does seem to have left it all to you. You though - don't mind - and indeed accept it as 'what has to be'. What is odd is her attitude that nobody else in the family will be able or willing to help you! Very strange! Have you tried enlisting any of their help at all. It might be worth a try surely?The hardest thing parents do is 'let go'. NOTHING is harder! Not the birth, the sleepless nights, the poverty, the whingeing, the teenage years - NOTHING is harder than letting go. The travesty is however - we either let them go gracefully or lose them. Perhaps you could gently tell her that you understand her concerns and sympathise with those concerns, but that you'll always be her daughter and your kids her grandkids etc.... Would that help a tiny tad do you think?MC
2 people like this
• Indonesia
21 Mar 07
well... i can understand the feeling you got. But, you also have to remember that she's your mom. She love you too much that she didn't want you to get hurt or take a false step. And she's sad that you're leaving her behind.. Maybe she's feeling lonely. Sometimes, a mother just want a friend to be with her.. What she'd done to you is maybe just because she don't want you to leave. She's to comfortable with you on her side and don't want you to leave. So she's angry to your husband who take you away from her (in her mind, she perhaps thinks like that) So don't be angry. She just a mother.. Perhaps she's just lonely... Angry if not being told about important things? well, maybe that's because she feel that you didn't want to involve her again in her life. She's affraid that you gonna leave her side. Afraid of being alone. IMO, you should spare more time with your mom. not that you've to always physically be in her side. Just don't loss contact with her. Call her often just to say "Hi", "How's thing going?", "How's your health?", or such things. And maybe you should start to share your minds with her... so that she didn't feel that you "leave" her. ^^
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I am sorry to hear that you are having such troubles. I too have a very judgmental mom. I have always felt like I can't do enough or just aren't good enough and I certainly can't do anything right in my mom's eyes. I am the oldest child and she puts alot of pressure on me. Every relationship I have been in, she has put the other person down and told me I am stupid for being with that person. I too 2nd guess my decisions because I don't trust myself sometimes. But don't be angry with her, this is her way of saying I am worried and upset that your moving. My mother does the exact same thing. I just brush it off nowadays. If my mom didn't complain I would know she didn't care. That is just how I look at it now. It helps to see things that way. She does resent your husband because he is moving you away from her. Why do you think she is so angry? Honey, you are a smart confident woman and obviously very independent. Don't be angry with your mom. It is a waste of energy better used toward this upcoming move. Just keep plugging along. I am sure your mom will end up helping in the end, but of course she will never say she is sorry! Even if she doesn't it will just prove to her that you will persevere regardless.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 07
Thank you for understanding. You put my feelings perfectly in words. I do get angry, but my biggest feeling is just hurt. She makes me feel like I am no good. I know she only does this because she loves me, but I sure wish she could show me love in a more decent respectful way.
@astromama (1226)
• United States
22 Mar 07
Even though she is your mom, and loves you and doesn't want you to leave and all that, she has no business making you feel incapable, guilty, and bad for leaving. She sounds controlling to me. I am 25 years old, and when I was 18 I decided to drop out of my college and buy a one way ticket to Texas to live with a boy I barely knew and thought I loved. My mother supported me. It was really hard to see me go, but she sucked it up and let me live my life. Now, I'm back (well, 3 hours away) after six years and the friendship and mutual respect we've developed for each other is priceless. I know she sees me as a capable, independant person who needs a little guidance now and again, but her days of treating me like a child are over. She says she feels like she did some things right with me, because she doesn't have to worry about me as I'm strong and smart and have a good head on my shoulders. The difference between you and I is our mother's attitudes. My mom welcomed my husband into the family with open arms, knowing very little about him other than he was MY choice. She trusts me. Moving away may show your mom that you ARE capable and that she doesn't control you. Maybe write her a letter after things have cooled off explaining that you need her to have confidence in you, to know that you are a smart, independant adult who makes her own decisions. It sounds to me like you need to demand her respect, or get far, far away. Maybe from a distance she can get a little more perspective!
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 07
Thank you for understanding. You are exactly right. She is very controlling and it's so hard. I love her and want to please her, but she just doesn't get it. I have tried so hard and never can succeed in pleasing her. What your mom did is very admirable. I have kids and I know that it will hurt when they grow and go on with their own families, but this is what life is. I only hope and pray that I don't act like this toward my kids. I WON'T treat my kids like this. It's like your mom said...your goal is to raise a child that is smart and has a good head on shoulders. Anyhow, thanks so much for your thoughts and your words. It makes me feel so much better that I am not this horrible daughter.
@shenfei (188)
• China
22 Mar 07
Everything has two sides. I know that your mom goes a little too far, but don't you feel that she is at your side? She is trying to protect you, she cares you, although in a wrong way. I know that there are some unreasonable parents who are hard to communicate with. But I think they are just in minority and your mom is not in. I still believe that every parent loves their children and won't hurt them. The only problem is wether the way they express their love is proper. Definitely your mom has such problem. But don't hate your mom just because of this. Try to communicate.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 07
oh I don't hate her. I just wish she wouldn't make it so hard. I do see her side of it, but I would never do the things and say the things to my kids that she says to me. She knows how to cut me so deep and she does it every single day. I understand her not wanting me to leave...of course I do. I am a mother and can put myself in the position, but I also know that you have to cut the umbilical cord at some time. I am almost 37 years old and I shouldn't have to get "permission" to live my life. I should have a supportive mom. If she doesn't agree, that is great...but, why be mean? why make me feel like a bad daughter, mom, wife, person.
@villageanne (8554)
• United States
22 Mar 07
Are you the oldest daughter? I read an article in Psycology today a while back that just sounded so true. It seems that mothers are jellous of their oldest daughter more than anyone else. Seems that the oldest daughter is always trying to be everything that her parents want her to be so she tries too hard. Her feelings are really hurt when her mother is not pleased with her. I am telling you This because I am the oldest daughter of 6 kids and I think that describes me and my mother to a t
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 07
yes i am the oldest. i have always been held to a higher standard because of this. I always had to "be a good example" for my sisters. And, you are right...I am always trying to please. I hate to disappoint them, but it seems that no matter what I do or how I do it, then she still feels like it's not good enough. Thank you for the comment and the thought.
• Philippines
22 Mar 07
Our parents should understand that when we get to our legal age and we grew up already, they should understand that we also have our own life.. Thank God my mom and dad are not like that. But i hope everything would be better soon for you and for ur family! Have a nice day ahed
1 person likes this
@syain1972 (1011)
• Singapore
22 Mar 07
I think she's in denial. She still treats you like Mummy's little girl 'cos she hates losing you. She's been having you close to her all the time and that's why she is reluctant to have you leave her. She's putting up all this charades just to make you feel guilty. She's playing the psychological game. I bet once you leave, she'll be crying like nobody's business. People sometimes do that to mask their dissppointment. You've made your decision and I feel if it's best for everybody than you should do it. Before you leave, right her a letter asking for forgiveness and tell her that you'll always love her. Promise her that you'll call her and visit her on special holidays if you can afford it. Time will heal... She just needs time...
1 person likes this
@Shujakhan (193)
• Pakistan
22 Mar 07
you are right.but u have to bear may be it is a great love for you.love is present not in one conditios but sometimes it is showed by anger.eagerness and many more ways to show up love for the person we have.you will also feel that some time when u want to to make a fight you think that this should be betweeen my friends and me.but if u love them truly then this will for some time.after that time u will feel that that act was not good about ur friends.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
22 Mar 07
Sounds to me like she is afraid of letting go. She not only is letting you go, she is having to watch her Grandchildren. Maybe it is her way of dealing with the move. It is wrong, but maybe that is the only way she knows how to deal with it. I think I would write her a very nice letter and explain things to her. You have to take care of your family, whatever it takes. Tell her you don't want to go with hard feelings between the two of you and you sure would like to have the last days there good ones to spend with her and family, not tense ones. Maybe she would come around and at least let up some. It is hard to move in the first place and you don't need the extra stress. Good luck to you, now and when you get to Florida.
1 person likes this
@mrsturner (519)
• Canada
21 Mar 07
Honey, I think that moving away is the best thing that you can do for your family and yourself. The kind of poison that your mother is spreading affect everyone including your children. Like you said - You are a 36 year-old capable woman. You can do this - by yourself if need be. Hopefully some of your family will be supportive of you, but if not please persevere. If you cave to her you will be under her thumb forever. I feel sad that your mother can't show her true emotions at your moving. It will end up hurting her relationships with everyone, if it hasn't already. Congratulations on being a strong independent woman:)
1 person likes this
@ETcooL (39)
• China
22 Mar 07
you'd better out of your house,more away more better.
@setylon (86)
• China
22 Mar 07
sorry,I just a college student,I don't understand what's you said.