Will you stay in the relationship or go IF....

@catcai (1057)
Philippines
March 22, 2007 11:09am CST
ladies...Here is the situation- you have been seeing this guy for quite sometime now say 6 mos, all of a sudden he told you that he got his ex gf pregnant and the pregnancy has been going on for 7 mos now..for some reason the pregnancy was not noticed until now...(kinda dumb but it did happen)which means something happened with them before u even started to see each other, after all she's his ex gf for 5 yrs... Luckily for you- the guy's decision was to choose you over his ex whom he got pregnant, meaning YOU are his priority-as he keeps telling you- he loves you and you love him and he doesnt love his ex anymore regardless of the current situation that his ex was going through... Given this situation, will you grab that opportunity and choose to continue on with your relationship with the guy since he refuses to take responsibility for his ex's pregnancy OR stop/pause the relationship and have some time to think it over- will you consider the ex girlfriends side? considering that she has to go through all that ordeal (pregnancy) alone and would have to end up as a single mom someday? The guy is really the father of the child no doubt about it-and its just so happened that the pregnancy was discovered too late- because of many factors involved. I would really like to hear your honest thoughts if your were given this situation... thanks a lot..
3 people like this
25 responses
• United States
22 Mar 07
if i was in this situation and i found out this guy i was dating just found out his ex girlfriend is pregnant with his child i would stay in the relationship with him as long as he is willing to take responcibility for his child because if he dont then this tells you what kind of guy he really is he dont have to be with his ex to help out with child.but if he dont take responciility for the child then i would deffinatly not contuine relationship.
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
22 Mar 07
Good morning Catcai, Nice to visit with you again. Wow, what a mess of a situation, huh? For your sake, I hope that this is a friend and not you personally! There is no short answer to this dilemma, so I'll be as brief and concise as possible. I think that a little more info would be helpful. I don't want to pry, but I believe one factor is very relevant. How long did he and she date? Was it serious? Or, short-lived? If there is absolutely no doubt that he is the father, then he could very well be petitioned for child support. Which, if he's the father he should be paying. ** Unless the girl tricked him into getting pregnant. I'll not address this unless you indicate that the pregnancy occurred as a result of trickery. To the straight of the matter: If theirs was a serious, long-term relationship then I would walk away. Sticking around will decrease the chances that the two long-term lovers get over their selfish reasons for splitting in the first place, and make a worthy home for the child. Furthermore, if theirs was a long-term relationship, and he could walk away for a new love, given the gravity of the news of a child, then he might be lacking in character. If this is the case (I'm saying IF), then a lack of character will invariably come back to haunt the relationship. If the new woman walks away to do the honorable thing, and it was really meant to be between she and the man, then they'll hopefully have another chance somewhere down the road. If this was a short-lived tryste, then they have no basis for building a relationship and subsequent home for the child. So, doing the right thing in this case is him stepping up to the plate to support the child. Or participate in a responsible adoption proceeding. If it was a tryste, then the new woman (you or your friend) have some serious soul-searching to do. If the mother keeps the child, this will be a multi-decade chance of antagonism between the three adults. This could go very smoothly or be disastrous. Only by knowing the mother and the boyfriend can the new woman make a reasoned assessment on whether this could be amicable or a nightmare. The new woman will need to be very resolute in her belief that this guy is the ONE, if she's going to stand by her man. So, if it was a tryste I would recommend the three adults sitting down to hash through the matter. What will be especially important for the new woman to be aware of are any signs that the mother may want the man back. If so, beware! Hope this helps! And, best to all.
1 person likes this
@catcai (1057)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
Hi ladyluna..thanks for your reply Unfortunately, I am not the new girlfriend of the guy- I was actually the girlfriend of the guy for 5 yrs and I was the one who got pregnant- he left me in the relationship and told me he no longer loves me, unfortunately when he left- I wasn’t aware that I was already pregnant by then because I was too stressed out and depressed because of the break up. I thought the reason why my periods were missed is because I was depressed and too stressed. It does happen and I’ve consulted it with a doctor before I took an ultrasound later on. The doctor just told me to observe my period for a couple of months long and if I still don’t have it- return to her and have an ultrasound. SO then after a total of 4 months of waiting for my period it still didn’t come, I took a pregnancy test before going to my doctor just to make sure- I wasn’t pregnant, so I did and it came out negative-I went to the doctor and took my sonogram, and VOILA! It was confirmed that I was already 7 mos pregnant!, the doctor told me that the reason that the pregnancy test came out negative was because the baby was now in It's 3rd trimester! Something to do about the HCG titter… – At this point in time, my ex has been seeing his new girl friend for 5 months already- and I was getting slightly over him- and I was ok being just friends with him. Until came the news that I was pregnant- as soon as I found out- I called him and asked to see him- to talk about this- His initial reaction was to have the baby aborted… I was so crushed, that he would even think of that- like we haven't been together for 5 damn years! he told me that he couldn’t commit and that he will still chose to be with his girlfriend since I insisted on having the baby and besides he doesn’t love me anymore… I was soo devastated- It's like all the times we have been together meant nothing to him- My family was supposed to ask him to marry me- but seeing how he took this situation and how irresponsible he is- they just decided I'm better off without him and just asked him for his moral support instead since were sort of like friends anyway and because he couldn’t even afford to give financial support- His time was the only thing that was asked of him- so he can still take part in the pregnancy and in taking care of the baby- since we were both responsible for it whether we like it or not. We never told his parents about this because I know that if we did he might get kicked out of their house and his chances for fixing what’s left of his life will further slim down. I am giving him a chance to fix himself, and hope that someday he realizes his responsibility and hopefully comes to sense on what he should really be doing. BUT unfortunately- he’s not doing his end of the bargain- and I haven't seen him for almost 2 months now, he doesn’t even call… he told his girlfriend about the situation- the girlfriend is aware of our long relationship before and she kind of knows me too because we went to the same school- BUT she’s ok with it- she’s ok that the guy is practically hiding from me… She said that she understands what I'm going through because she herself was raised by a single mom and was full of angst with her father who left them to have another family- and she knows that having to raise a child on your own is very difficult… I really don’t know if she really does understand what I'm going through now- because if she did- I don’t know… I guess she just won’t give the guy up… That’s the story… I just wanted to know if you were the girlfriend- what would you typically do? Because I'm having a hard time understanding why she won’t consider giving way for me and the child, because if I was in her situation- no matter how much I love the guy- I will step aside. I don’t want to ruin their chances of having a family. I'm not saying this because I was the one who got pregnant- I'm saying this because I have already done it- I had an experience once with another boyfriend I had- he got his ex girlfriend pregnant- but he wanted to stay with me, I love him so much and he did choose me over the girl- but I wanted him to be responsible for what he did-and I don’t want the baby to grow up without even knowing his father- I chose to leave the relationship- and now he’s happily married with his ex and they now have 2 wonderful kids. I just didn’t know I would be having the same experience as well….
1 person likes this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
23 Mar 07
Oh Catcai, If I could reach through my monitor I would give you a great big hug. Well, I think you know my answer ... If I was the new gal I would step aside, trusting that all will unfold as it should. However, it seems like my concern about his lack of character may be in play here. You know him, and I don't. So, would your child be a better person for knowing him as 'Daddy'? If so, then you might want to have a sit down with the him and the new gal. Since you already know the other woman you may have a sense about whether she is honorable or not. You could try to lay out some guidelines and make this work as best as possible. I will say though, that it's an extremely rare set of individuals who could make this work without emotional turmoil. If you're not confident that he and she could make a commitment to put the best interests of the child before their own, then this creates a problem. The toughest decision here is whether or not to allow the man to play a role in the child's life. If his irresponsibility and lack of honor will bring your child a life of anguish, then perhaps it's best to walk away. Which leads me back to your original question. If she hasn't already stepped aside, or initiated a meeting with you to express her desire to prod the man to assume responsibility for his child, then the prospects of a selfless commitment from them aren't very good. Of course, you probably already know this, which breaks my heart. Is your family OK with you living and rearing your child with them? If so, you might do well to cry the tears, feel the pain, then let go ... with a commitment to enjoy your new life with your child, who despite all else, was begotten out of love. The first time your child grabs your little pinky you will find that the love for your child will override any other emotions you may be experiencing right now. Sending sincerest hopes for the best possible outcome for all!
1 person likes this
@catcai (1057)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
Hi again luna... thank you for your response.. i really do appreciate it. Your right my greatest dillema right now is if i should let my ex take part in my baby's life-because as of now- he's not here, he doesn' even call to even ask whether i am still alive or something- so as of now, that i couldnt determine yet since i have not yet given birth- but my due is next month so from them i will give him a chance to show id he does deserve to be called the father of my child. AS of now i dont think i can handle sitting down with him and his current gf and having a talk on this because, i am so emotionally unstable as of the moment. Maybe when the baby is born, should the guy persist with his relationship with his GF but would like to take part in this- then maybe thats the time we can talk- but you knw what being pregnant alone is so hard enough. Unfortunately my mom isnt very happy with this pregnancy- she still blames me and belts out on me all her anger when she starts to have her angry spells.. and it does affect me very much- and i am often hurt- and i feel like no one wants me... and im abandoned and all alone. Our relatives doesnt know because my mom doesnt want them to know about this- because i will be ruining the family reputation and all... especially my moms reputation...i just hope i be able to get through this... thanks again for your comment.. take care.. =)
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Mar 07
I have questions before I can answer your dilemna. 1. By "he refuses to take responsibility for his ex's pregnancy" do you mean simply that he no longer wants a relationship with her or do you mean that he wants nothing to do with the child or supporting the child? 2. Do you feel like your relationship has progressed long enough that you know your boyfriend well enought to know deep in your heart that he would not do you the same way?
1 person likes this
@catcai (1057)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
hi visi!, 1. He refuses to take responsibility- as in he even wanted to have the baby aborted in the first place, but he never told me he doesn't want to have a relationship with me- we were still friends when i found out i was pregnant with his baby, he just told me that he didnt love me enough to marry me. I don't know if he does still want to have anything to do with the child since i went on with having this baby- because i havent seen him for almost 2 months now. 2. im not the girlfriend- i was the ex.. but if i was- like i said- i would step aside no matter how much i love him because its the ethical thing to do- and besides, weve only been together for like 6 months- if time comes that he returns to me then great- i just dont want him to neglect the ex and the baby...
1 person likes this
@wonderer (58)
• India
23 Mar 07
Hi Catcai . Since u have already clarified that its not the friend but u who is 7 mos pregnant, here is what your options are. At this advanced stage u cant think in terms of an abortion. Instead try to keep yourself happy, cheerful and healthy - not only for yourself but for the sake of the new visitor who is going to be a part of your life, two months from now. Remember it was not his fault to begin with. As far as your bf is concerned right now he is enjoying another brand new female body and will not turn back to u in the near future. So take care and wait for the new born.
1 person likes this
@catcai (1057)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
thank you for your reply wonderer... right now im not really thinking about where i am- im just curious to know if you were in the other girls position- if you were the current girlfriend.. what yould you do? would you continue on with your relationship with the guy or give him some space to think about it...?
@mummymo (23707)
23 Mar 07
trythfully catcai - it would not be the fact that his ex girlfriend was carrying his baby that would upset me and make me reconsider a relationship! Any man who will not take responsibility for his own baby is not a man that I would want to have anything to do with - I think any woman with any self respect would feel the same way!
1 person likes this
@jennifer611 (2502)
• United States
23 Mar 07
well, I dont think that its "stupid" that the pregnancy was not noticed until later. it happens alot. my sister didnt know until she was 5 months along and she had been on the depo pravera shot for years to prevent her from pregnancy. also, I dont know what I would do, I think I would just break it off with him. and you will not be his "priority" his priority is that child, for the next 18+ years. and the mother will also be in his life for that long. is that something you can handle? I think after 5 years together and now a baby, there probably is still some fealings between them. so if it were me I would probably choose to walk away and go live a happy drama free life.
1 person likes this
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
23 Mar 07
This is a difficult question to answer. After much thought, I would have to say no in this case. Since he is so irresponsible with his ex girlfriends pregnancy, what would he do with me, I would have no respect for him. I would definitely consider the ex girlfriends side. She didn't get pregnant by herself! If he doesn't want to help her with the baby then I certainly would not want him in my life. He could do that to me as well. If he were to be responsible and be there to help with the baby, I would be much more supportive of the situation. I would stay, because it shows responsibility on his part and that he is willing to do the right thing which would make me respect him all the more.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
if i was the current girl i will definitely break up with him. yeah im mad but not that mad. because come to think of it, isn't he just saying that because im not pregnant?? and having a pregnant girl with an irresponsible guy is a big NO-NO to them. i bet my life he even would do that to me if he got me pregnant. he has responsiblities and he has to love upon it. ex or not he should go back to the girl he got pregnant. and having boyfriend like that will only cause your life to be miserable too instead of being happy and satisfied with your lovelife.
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@biyping (184)
• Indonesia
23 Mar 07
if i were you i prefer to go then stay because i can't imagine if i were in the girl position so i won't it happen to me
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
first -the guy should really take responsibility for what he did. second - not sure if I would stay in the relationship with him. I would really really pause and really think about it. I would also consider the ex girlfriend side. How sincere and honest is he to you. If he can do it to his ex -girlfriend for 5 years , he can do it to anyone unless he changes. I really don't want to judge the guy - just Think about it girl!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
in my opinion and i were in your case.. i would definitely stop seeing that guy.. he should take responsibility of what he did.. that's just my opinion though
• India
23 Mar 07
actually as this guy is responsible for the pregnaancy , he have to sit down and think what is to be done.obviously its a great responsibility that have come upon his shoulders and , the continuation of the relationhsip is up to him , any way i wont advise that guy to continue his relation with some whom hhe dont love, he need to help that mothere finantially for supporting atleast the kid, that is i think un avoidable
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
well its really difficult for your situation.well all you have to do is think it first..before you make a decision. if you have doubts in your bf that he really loves you.well think what are the efforts that guy show it to you. how are you sure that he really loves you..thats what will you think.well if he really loves you.and you have your assurance..then fight your love with that guy
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@manmaxman (850)
• India
23 Mar 07
if u ask to me about this situation i just say that u know that what u have to do ............. first thing if he leave his ex gf which is pregnant for u than what is the proof that he not going to leave u for any other girl ...........................and think if he leaves u when u r pregnant what u r going to do what u expact to hem.................. dear i don't think u don't understand my talk u just know what u have to do
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@txwoman36 (173)
• United States
23 Mar 07
well you need to make the descision what is best for you. have to follow your heart. you stay with him he has to be there for the baby and for her. shes going through alot with being pregnant and does need his support. you can still be together even with having a child with someone else but you need to decide whats best for you. good luck in what you decide to do.
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@ipodbaby (53)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
I love him and he loves me that's all that matter. Yes i would definitely continue our relationship. But i won't let him just disregard his responsibility for the child. And neither would i deprive the soon-to-be-born child a father that it deserves. What had done in the past is already in "past". They didn't choose to be in that situation, it just happened. Letting him go for the sake of his soon-to-be-child would just hurt us both. The pregnant would not go through pregnancy alone. I won't let that happen. Even if it somehow affects me, i'd do with all my might to help her. After all, she's carrying the baby of my one true love. No time for jealousy here. Just keep the baby safe til it comes out of her mom's womb, then the rest would just follow. =)
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@yanstill (1491)
• China
23 Mar 07
it is really hard to deside. if that man abandon his child, then i may think he is not responsible,how can i believe him? but on the other hand,i have to take that child for mine,will i? maybe just calm down and think about it until some better ideas come to mind.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
oh..iVe been through with the same situation..at first I thought to myself that I wouldn't mind if her ex gf got pregnant, who cares? what matters most is,he chose me to be with his side inspite of what had happened..not until I learned from a friend she had already delivered the baby.. The moment I knew it, I didn't think twice and let him go although it damned hurts.. I don't wanna take away his responsibility as a father and as well as a husband.. Lhorine Busarang
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
It's really hard to decide with this kind of situation. If he chooses you instead of the ex-girlfriend who is presently pregnant then lucky you. But there will always be consequences of the choices he'll make. He should always remember that he's the father and he is expected to be there when needed. If the ex-girlfriend is not after your boyfriend anymore then it is better to have you three, talk things over to make everything favorable for everyone's sake. If he sticks with you remember never to get jealous of the child because he is his own blood. And you cannot take the right of him as the father of the child. Besides, if you really love him you'll even support all the way and love the persons whom he loves.
@kkama67 (48)
22 Mar 07
He will ALWAYS be tied to this girl through the child. As long as you can live with that, you will be fine!
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