Can you move on without forgiveness?

United States
March 25, 2007 9:37pm CST
Ok,we all know you need to forgive wrongdoers. How have you learned to get over things done to you in the past? Was it something you were able to get over easy or it took years. I was told my prayers are not being answered as I can't forgive my exhusband. He cheated on me and got another woman pregnant. we both now have children the same age. Born one mother apart. I have tried to get over this injustice. I have had no luck with it.
9 people like this
45 responses
@Stringbean (1273)
• United States
26 Mar 07
The Bible tells us that if we do not forgive the people who have wronged us, that God will not forgive us. That is enough to make we want to make a special effort to forgive anyone who has wronged me. Forgiving them doesn't mean that I will give them a chance to do the same thing to me again, but it does mean that I will put the behavior behind me and move on with my life. Besides, who are you hurting when you don't forgive someone? That someone couldn't care less whether you forgive them or not, so you are only hurting yourself by keeping your mind in a turmoil over the incident, and by taking a chance that you will not be forgiven by God for the things you have done wrong. It's not worth it.
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
26 Mar 07
Life is really to short for this type of stuff how can you lead a life if all your worried about is how to forgive it is as simple as I don't mind and it don't matter,I have life a beautiful child and I intend to move forward this is the way she should think about it this way.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 07
I would like to know where in the Bible it says that God will not forgive us if we don't forgive others. I understand God's forgiveness as something that we will always have, regardless of our own behaviors. Forgiveness comes more naturally to some and for others it's more difficult. I'm not saying that we should not forgive, God commands us to forgive, but it's not a condition in order to recieve His forgiveness.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 07
It is in the Bible, countrylady. Jesus said "Forgive and you will be forgiven." He commands us to do so.
3 people like this
@charms88 (7545)
• Philippines
26 Mar 07
I can't blame you for having a difficulty letting go of your past. To have a perverted husband who had once been a part of your life and dreams, there are not enough words to describe just how painful it is to forgive. As the saying goes, time heals all wounds and from there, you learn to slowly embrace your life in a whole new perspective. Remember, that with each pain we experience, we also gain the wisdom to move on. I wish you more courage in your future endeavor.
• United States
27 Mar 07
Thanks for the nice message. I am going to begin another day tomorrow with a good try. Thanks again so much.
@yanjiaren (9050)
26 Mar 07
It is so hard I know and the bitterness must be eating away inside. The only thing you have to remember is that he is getting on with his life and you have suffered enough..By not making him so important in your life any more and just putting him in a box labeled 'the past'..that is the only way to move forward. You suffered at the injustice of being cheated on ..don't let him hurt you any more by you hanging on to that bad memory. Think that maybe you are better off without this and that someone that deserves your wifely love and respect..if ever you want..is out there waiting. It wasn't your fauklt and by carrfying it..you are subconsciously carrying the burden of something that isn't yours to carry.Time to leg go and concentrate on making yourself happy. Good Luck.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 07
Thanks very much. I have never been told how to begin to forgive this man. I have tried to and just don't know how. But with this box I can start. Thanks again
@bindishah (2063)
• India
26 Mar 07
My ex bf and i were going around for more than 4 years when he broke up with me. Coz his parents didnt want us to get married coz we belonged to different religions. It hurts at first but you do learn to move on. With time the forgiveness just comes automatically i guess. You will start having other things to do in life and the hurt that prson caused you will grow dimmer and take a back seat in your life. there will be times throughout your life that you'll remember that and hurt all over again but it will be momentary.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Mar 07
I can understand what your saying. I just don't think it's possible. I see my daughter and,I think of her having a brother. The mother of the child tortured me with this affair my whole pregnancy. I have put it passed me. Then every time he calls it pops back in my heart. I can't stand it any longer.
• Philippines
26 Mar 07
i have always done that... and i believe TIME has its own way of healing and rechanging your feelings towards the wrongdoer.. so if that time comes we might have a peaceful amendment and peaceful way of forgetting the past... cause what was done has been done and no one can change that...
@seabreeze (661)
• China
26 Mar 07
We must be forgiveness.We are not wrongdoers.Your exhusband should is punished!
1 person likes this
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
26 Mar 07
Her ex-husband will be punished come judgement day by a higher power she needs to move on and forget it.There is life out there just waiting to be lived.
3 people like this
• United States
26 Mar 07
I sure wish I could do it as easy as I can read this. It's just not as you say. I have had the pain boiling in me for 12 going on 13 yrs.
@romel_ece (1290)
• Philippines
26 Mar 07
I think it is better to forgive and forget first before you should move on in your life. On your part I understand that it's not easy in your situation to forgive your husband. My only advise for you is that learned to forgive your husband and never let your hatred overcome your feelings because your not helping yourself to move on. Just simple, learned to forgive your husband and set him free.Then I could say that your free to move own in your own life.
1 person likes this
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
26 Mar 07
I think she should say it's done over and move on how long can you go on blaming someone else for you not being able to forgive he probably has already forgot it and moved on.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Mar 07
he has not forgotten it as I won't let him forget. Every time he calls he makes me sick all over again. The point is I need help to get this past me. I have tried to do it,I ever said to myself it's over and done with but it's not.
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
27 Mar 07
If you are still with him, maybe the only way to truly get over your husband's betrayal is to divorce him. Sometimes the only way we can get over the hurt that someone has done us is to separate ourselves from them, for a time or perhaps completely. As you have kids together, he will always need to be in their lives. It sounds to me like you are still very very angry about this and there is of course a constant reminder of his infidelity, a child. Please tell us whether you have ever met the child or the mother and whether he is a part of the child's life? Maybe another way to forgive him would be for you to welcome this child into your home on a regular basis, to participate in family meals the odd time. It sounds like you are in a standstill with your emotions which is understandable and you need to do something very radical to move the situation along. If nothing appears to be really working I believe you have no option but to separate. Living with anger is bad for us all. I wish you the very best of luck!
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
I divorced this man right after I found out. I did speak with the woman when we both were still around 8-9 months. I begged her to just tell me if the child was his so I could just leave. She wentr around the bush. Her brother came and told us both we were stupid to fight over this loser. My ex husband held this woman by her throat on a wall and made her tell me it was not his. I was working and watched him throw a baby bottle down to a woman. I did not see her face or,could remember what she looked like. But,I found out by the next door neighbor he was watching my daughter and his son at the same time. This is what broke me and never mended. This woman live a corner away. I tried to get over it again. But when I looked out the window he would be walking her up the street. I Moved out of state to Miami to get out of his site. He is now living in Jamaica,WI. Your so right about the constant reminder. It's my daughter not the other womans. I don't see her,or the child. Every June my depression gets worse. I will work on this for I have to be healthy for myself,then for my future. Thanks a million:)
• United States
26 Mar 07
My question is...what exactly are you praying for? If you're praying for your husband to be punished for what he did I think you are on the wrong track. Seeing him falter and fall may give you temporary relief for all the pain he has caused you, but it won't be lasting. Pray that God gives you peace in this situation, not for justice. Forgiving is hard...and forgetting is even harder especially when it has caused you so much life altering pain. But that is why God is there, to help us through it. He's not going to take our problems away...he wants us to grow and learn from these experiences, to become a better person. I will send up a little prayer for you. And remember, we are chained to that which we do not forgive. Don't let your ex husband have so much power over you by holding on to his mistake.
• United States
26 Mar 07
I do not know of anywhere in the Bible that it says that God won't answer our prayers or forgive us if we don't forgive others. To answer your question about prayers not being answered. God's always answers our prayers and his responses are "yes", "no", or "wait". Our prayers are not always God's will, but the fact that you have a child and that you are healthy, those are answered prayers. Jesus' response when aske the question of how many times we should forgive those who have wronged us is "Seventy times seven". This doesn't mean that you only forgive 490 times, it was Jesus' way of saying - there is no limit, you should forgive countlessly Mathew 18:22. Don't forget that the Lord will forgive ANY sin committed from murder to a little white lie. Why then, is it so hard for us to forgive people who have wronged us. The simple answer is that we are sinners. Pray to God that He will give you peace. Depend on Him for the strenght to forgive. This won't happen overnight in most cases, but He is the only one who can get you through it - He is the only one who knows how to completely forgive, you need to seek God's word on this. Forgiveness is so liberating. It took me years but I forgave my husband for some things that he did to me and it's such a weight off of my shoulders. It is possible, but only if you use God's advice. Let me know if you want more information. I'm sure their are lots of good books about it too.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
I wish I could feel like you do. I feel like a 1000 pound bag is on my back. I was telling this to my roommate. I have to just start day by day. Thanks so much
@ydnac22 (804)
• Philippines
26 Mar 07
Yes for me i can move on without forgiving some one who did a very painful mistake.I once betrayed also and i understand how much it hurts but then if you will look at the reason behind and help yourself to forget and give your heart time to mend then surely you will be happy again.Just like me im happy now with my present bf but if you will asked me if i have forgiven my x im sad to say that I havent forgiven him yet. You know why its because he dont ask any forgiveness.He dont even utter a word sorry for what he did so why forgive? Yes forgiveness is really important and how God knows how much i wish and how much im praying that i can give that to him, but dear it takes a really long time.Forgiving is a long process.Its hard to pretend that you forgave him if you know in your heart that your not yet ready to forgive.So why rush? I'll rather wait for that right time where in im now ready to forgive him but again it doesnt mean that i havent move.Im happy now and i cant ask for anything more.Just one thing its not yet the right time for me to forgive.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
All I can say is wow. I think your doing good. I can't even get that far a move on. Thanks so much.
@towongfoo27 (2989)
• United States
26 Mar 07
In order to move on with your life, it may not be a good idea to even think about putting yourself in the wrongdoers' shoes. The reason is because the why's have no answers. Don't waste your time trying to figure out why. It might help a person to understand a little more, but sometimes you get hurt in the process. Sometimes we are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have been hurt in my past, and I think the forgiveness adage doesn't always apply. Reason being life moves forward whether or not we forgive. I do think your posting about it on Mylot is a step forward in comparison. So move on.
• United States
27 Mar 07
I am going to give it my best try. I do not want this hovering over my life any longer. It's just so easy to say. :)
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
26 Mar 07
My first husband cheated on me and left me for another woman. They had two children together during the time that we were apart. In those years I had anger and hatred in my heart. I finally confronted him and really told him what his actions did to my daughter and me, also when we were together he had an anger management problem and he drank alot, so he physically and mentally abused me as well. All these years he had been sorry for what he had done and knew he was wrong and time and time again he had apologized but I could not forgive him, he had made so many changes as he matured that I refused to see them. I finally did forgive him and we became friends over the years and it evolved into love after I saw all the changes he has made. We are getting remarried next month and I love his children as my own. He has shown so much commitment, he doesn't drink and he controls his temper and has alot more patience. He is very good with our daughter as well. In your situation it is very hard to forgive, and I can understand why. But time has passed and it is time to let that anger and hurt go. It is such a waste of energy and a waste of time. He is your ex husband now and he can't hurt you anymore. Sometimes the best revenge is living well and forgiving those that hurt you, because they don't expect that. You seem like a person with a good heart and this kind of betrayal takes years to overcome. It is not easy at all. This is one of the strongest betrayals ever. Take your time and let it come. Let the anger go, believe me, it is going to do you more harm than it will to him.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
This sound like you can really relate to me. I went to a battered womans shelter because he beat me in my sleep. He was calling me and begging me to come home. I went home to find he was having an affair with another woman. Would you believe this woman sat in my face and pretended to like me. I later found out by his best friend who could not take it any longer. I will try to let it go. I just get tired of saying this. I don't know how to forgive this man. If I knew How I would do it and quick. Thanks so much. I hope I am on your friends list.
@Stiletto (4584)
26 Mar 07
Honestly no I don't usually forgive people that have done something really bad to me - I'm not talking about trivial stuff of course. However, I do think it's important not to let these things assume too great an importance in your life. For instance, in the example you have given with your ex husband if you allow that to occupy your mind too much it will affect all your future relationships as well. So although I am a fairly unforgiving person once I'm done with a person that's it - they're out of my life and my thoughts.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
Well you said it right . I am not able to keep a relationship. I chase everyone away from me. I don't trust anyone no matter what they say. Unless I can see them with my eyes. I have gone over a year with just myself and,my thoughts. I trued to love again,and chased a great man away. Now it's another run alone and for some reason I feel safer single. Thanks so much
@winterose (39922)
• Canada
26 Mar 07
I doubt that having your prayers answered has anything to do with forgiving your ex husband. The man I knew as my father disowned me, I have not forgiven him, but part of it is because he never cared to see me again. I have no idea what I would do if he came to my door 41 years later.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
I don't know what to tell you. This is bad also. I would srill say I am going to work on forgiving this man. I don't want him to continue to have this control.
• United States
26 Mar 07
I have the same attitude toward forgiveness to you..I probably can forgive but I can't forget. The thing is I know it's not good for my mental health..I keep saying to my self let's just go over my resentment..I am tired..But I know it's not so easy to forget how I've been hurt....I also pray for you though
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
You know how I feel,I try to get over it too. I just don't know how you can forgive all this mess. You know he stalked me till my boss made me leave my job and never come back. I was so shame when the cops got him out of the bushes.
• India
26 Mar 07
Generally I am not a kind of person who stays angry for too long as the longest period I have been angry was one day and just that. Might be because I was never posed with a situation like that. But I don't think that when a person does wrong to us then there is any other way of making it right. The only thing that you can do is either forgive or punish. I do not like giving pain so punishing is not my cup of tea. I am the kind of person who revolts at the moment but forgives in the future. I just forgive and forget and look forward to better times. I do believe and know that its quite human and normal for you to be angry on your exhusband but really will it, do you think, do any good to you or him?? Although its sometimes difficult to forgive but sometimes when things are already done and when you can do nothing to change them then just leave them and take care that those things don't happen again with any one and move on. If you are strong in yourself and feel that no one can now harm r change your life then you will have no problem forgiving. Take Care May GOD Bless YOU
@34momma (13896)
• United States
26 Mar 07
forgiveness doesn't mean what you did to me was ok. forgiving someone just means i am not longer going to allow what you did rule my life, today i am moving on. forgiving someone is something you for yourself so you can move on. so you can let what happened be apart of your past and not all of your furture. I forgive everyone for everything, so i don't have to hold on to it. that doesn't mean that i forgot, but i need to let go.
@pillusch (1149)
• Mexico
26 Mar 07
I'm a pretty sensitive person, and I find it difficult to forgive. So if I feel hurt by someone, I hold that grudge until somebody else comes along and treats me badly. What I want to say is, the problem is that we take ourselves, and therefore our grudges, too serious. Just relax, it's all in the head.
1 person likes this
@lifetalk (681)
• Pakistan
26 Mar 07
Well, how long it takes to forget something wrong that happened with you depends on the type of situation that occured. In your case, i feel extremely sorry for you, and I understand that forgettig something like this is probably very difficult, worse is to forgive the man who did this to you. Although you may not want to forgive him, doing so will only raise you in comparison to him, and you can also move on with your life. Just try to concentrate on other things and although it will take time, you'll gradually forget him!
1 person likes this