Mountain out of a molehill?

@Mickie30 (2633)
March 27, 2007 6:26am CST
My husband and I were having an argument because he wants me to go on a sunbed and I don't want to because it is risking yourself for skin cancer, but he doesn't want to listen to me so I tried to make him listen by saying does he want me to die of skin cancer? I said this because it seems as though he is forcing me to do something I don't want to do. He then turned round to our 15 month old daughter and said that he wanted her to die. He said this because of what I said to him. I am really upset and cannot believe he did this. How can I forgive him for what he said to our innocent daughter? I really cannot believe he would say something like this to her and now I just feel so hurt and angry. Any advice on what you would do? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
7 people like this
17 responses
• United States
27 Mar 07
The fact that a grown man can say that to a child is scary. Even tho he apologized you should be on the look out. Just because you love him does not mean you should stay with him if he threatens your daughter. Reasonable adults would never think to say something like that to a child, and that he said it because you were not obeying him is very scary. I hope for you and your daughter that it dosn't happen again. But my experience is that it will only get worse, and there's always an apology....
3 people like this
@SanDslnrs (269)
• United States
28 Mar 07
OMG!! That is terrible! I cannot believe he would tell your daughter that. He really needs to grow up! Why does he want you to use the sunbed? If you don't want to, then why is he trying to force you. Don't do it if you don't want to, because if you give in to him this time, he'll always try to control you, and that is exactly what he is trying to do. You should ask him why and how could he say that to your daughter, does he really want to be married? I think you need to evaluate your marriage. I don't mean to hurt or upset you, but sometimes these things escalate and only get worse. I'll keep you in my prayers, and I wish you all the best.
@Mickie30 (2633)
28 Mar 07
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers and for your advice.
• Canada
27 Mar 07
Wow! Your husband is being extremely unreasonable! And what he said to your daughter is shocking! I don't think you're making a mountain out of a molehill at all. There is no excuse for him bringing your daughter into this. Of course, I'm certain he didn't mean it, but the fact that he said that still hurts. I think I would wait a day or so to let the situation calm down before bringing it up and telling him calmly that what he said was right out of order. Remind him that being your husband does not give him the right to control you, and the first time he tries, he's gone! Hopefully he'll see where you're coming from. He doesn't have the right to tell you to do anything such as going on a sunbed and putting yourself at risk.
@Mickie30 (2633)
27 Mar 07
Thanks for the advice.
@JackBravo (970)
• United States
27 Mar 07
Even if he is just joking around, which is the best scenario, that this pretty darn bad. Little kids are easily affected by this sort of a thing. Maybe he has something else on his mind and is unhappy with the marriage. For him to take it out on a young girl like that is a BIG red flag. In fact, I would watch him very closely with the interactions he has with her to make sure she is safe. In fact, I may even get a mediator to talk to him. That is very inappropriate behavior and worse, it is a sign of something wrong deeper in. I would be very careful, watch and protect your daughter, and if your husband turns on your or her, I would call child protective services in milliseconds. Pray for peace.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 07
I get the feeling that this is not really about a tanning bed, and that there are other issues going on as well. I would suggest that you seek help with your marriage and get counseling with someone who both you and your husband can trust. I wish you all the best during this time of trouble.
2 people like this
@Stiletto (4584)
27 Mar 07
I don't think you're making a mountain out of a molehill at all. Firstly why on earth is he so keen for you to go on a sunbed anyway? I mean - why is THAT such a big issue for him? Secondly I would be absolutely furious about what he said to your daughter. Disgraceful way to behave. I'm sure he will also have his good points (well I hope so otherwise why would you be with him?) but he does sound a bit overbearing not to mention childish. I would take a firm stand on that behaviour if I were you because it's they type of thing that can easily escalate if you don't nip it in the bud and stand up for yourself. Oh and by the way - you're 100% right not to want to use a sunbed. Apart from the health risks they are incredibly ageing for your skin. I have friends who are younger than me that used sunbeds regularly and they have far more lines on their face than I do.
2 people like this
• United States
27 Mar 07
No, you are not making a mountain out of a molehill. His disregard of not only your wishes but your health in combination with him saying out loud he wished for your daughter to die could be the early symptoms of a pattern of abuse. I would tread carefully, stand my ground firmly, and covertly be making plans for if these symptons get worse. On the other hand, this is possibly just an aberation in his behavior, but you can not be too careful. You will have to just wait and see. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 07
When I say, "Wait and see", I do not mean you should not continue making covert plans for if the situation gets worse.
1 person likes this
@Mickie30 (2633)
27 Mar 07
Hi thanks for your advice I wouldn't leave him I love him, but sometimes he just doesn't listen to me or think before he says something obviously because of the nature of what he said it really upset me. He knows I am upset and has said sorry, but I just find it so hard to forgive because our daughter is innocent and he shouldn't have said that to her. Thanks so much for your advice.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
28 Mar 07
Please don't be mad at me when I say that your husband is acting very childish especially to say that about your daughter. I was mean and hurtful which is what he wanted to do is hurt you. It is your body and you should be able to control what it does and when. If he doesn't like you getting the tan with lotions and stuff because sometimes htey can leave bad results that takes awhile toget rid of I know I have tried a few of them and something always seem to go wrong. Maybe you should go to a salon that does spray tans that way you get the end result but without the skin cancer damage. I have one sister in law who has went to a tanning bed for years and has had nothing bad happen and no signs of damage,but I have another sister in law who tried it for two years and ended up with skin cancer. So you have to be very careful and those tanning bed lotions you have to be careful of too. Well, I hope things get resolved and you get to do what you decide and don't let yourself be forced into what you don't want. Just because your name is on the marriage license doesn't mean you signed your rights away as person.
1 person likes this
@Mickie30 (2633)
28 Mar 07
Thanks for your advice I appreciate it. I am also sorry to hear about your sister. I think what you said about going to a salon and getting the tan is a very good idea.
@Impervious (1154)
• United States
28 Mar 07
Firstly I am sure that he does not want your daughter to die. Further I am sure that feels like a total piece of crap for saying that. Word of advice from a guy clarify that he didn't mean it and let it go. I realize that is hard to do but trust me it's for the best. Now onto the tanning- these days the beds are safer than they used to be. I am not saying that you should do anything that you don't want to. Just that It is not what it used to be. Also consider that there are spray tan booths hey who's to know !
1 person likes this
@Mickie30 (2633)
28 Mar 07
Thanks you sound like a pretty down to earth kind of guy and I think your answer makes a lot of sense. We have sorted it out now anyway. Many thanks for your response.
@Munira (484)
• United States
27 Mar 07
You have every right to be upset. Children should never be involved in adult affairs. Nor should they be exposed to them.
1 person likes this
@Mickie30 (2633)
27 Mar 07
Thanks I really appreciate what you have said and I agree with you children should not be brought into adult affairs.
@mamasan34 (6521)
• United States
28 Mar 07
No you are certainly not making a mountain out of a molehill. That is awful what he said to your daughter. I mean really! That was uncalled for and at her age she is beginning to understand things like that and will remember them. She may have been asleep this time, but he really needs to think before he speaks especially in anger. I don't understand why someone would be angry over suntanning to the point that he would say something so stupid! He may have apologized and you have forgiven him but be careful. This may be a sign of things to come. Good luck to you.
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
28 Mar 07
It's not fair for him to force you to do something you don't want to. Even a husband has no right to do that. And for what, so that you'll look something that's not naturally you? How important is that? If he didn't like the way you look, why did he marry you in the first place? And for him to say that to your daughter is completely unacceptable. He's being childish.
1 person likes this
• Canada
28 Mar 07
Yes you are!!!! get it together we are constantly trying to make our spouses happy. Your husband was simply saying you needed some color... get over it i mean geez you have a higher chance of getting skin cancer going for a walk outside than in a bed. Im ean oh my goodness. You can not obviously take an idea and run with it, implieing that he wanted you to die, of course he is going to get mad. God give this guy a break and what he said to your child is a direct result of what you said to him... if i were you i would seriously think befor the verbal diarrhea flew out of my mouth again
1 person likes this
@vanities (11387)
• Davao, Philippines
27 Mar 07
well yeah..maybe hes just teasing you all along...try talking it out with him and ask him if he meant what he said to your daughter..
@shooie (4986)
• United States
27 Mar 07
Sounds like there are deeper issues there. When things are not so tense you need to ask him what is really wrong. Then ask him if he trully wishes that about your 15 month old. Is your husband tan? Does he go in for tanning as well? If he does maybe he wants you guys to go together. Like some one else said earlier he could be jealous of the baby. If you can't talk to him and you want to work things out I would check into counseling.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
27 Mar 07
Your husband sounds like a jerk, sorry to be so blunt. I use to go to the tanning bed all the time. I am fair so pretty lucky that I haven't developed skin cancer. I do have a few wrinkles and dry skin from it though.
1 person likes this
@phon4u (2217)
• Laos
28 Mar 07
I used to climb up the mountain for the telecommunication technician work twice. It took me from 8.00 a.m to 12.00 noon. I went down with my friends after 1.30 p.m, I got to the down hill about 3.30 p.m. Some of my friends didn't want to do, because it is not easy work. My advice is if you go there, you should prepare yourself with the lotion skin care, brim hat, water, camera; It is better going earlier and leaving when the sun is set, not too sunny. all of my friends and I felt pain in my knees when I went down the mountain, but we didn't feel hurt when we climbed up.
@Mickie30 (2633)
28 Mar 07
Did you read what my discussion was about because this is a very wierd answer.