Dating someone with kids.....

@winky73 (1396)
United States
March 28, 2007 10:01am CST
My boyfriend and I are very happy together and for the most part it doesn't bother me that he has two kids.One of them is married and has a child of his own already and the other one is living with us. The one living with us is 21 years old and we've had our share of problems with him.....including stealing and doing drugs. Due to all that.....we enrolled him in some selfhelp programs and he's been doing fairly well since then. Sometimes I just don't know how I should handel problems like that....after all he's not my child and legaly I'm not considerd his mom.I'm always worried that I will overstep my bounds. My boyfriend always tells me not to worry about it and just to get on to him when he's doing something that he should not be doing.He on the other hand hardly ever confronts him with anything.It's just like the other day....his dad asked him to do something and today it's still not done.It is very irritating to me.....because I was not raised like that.I was tought to have respect for my parents and if I was asked to do something and didn't.....there were consequenses. He won't help around the house.....heck....he doesn't even clean his own room.It looks like a bomb went of in there and it stinks from all the dirty laundry. Again...if I say something to my boyfriend about it....he just tells me to talk to his son and not him. Am I being unreasonable about this?I really need some advice on how to handle this.....because I'm at the end of my rope here.
1 person likes this
3 responses
• Grand Junction, Colorado
29 Mar 07
hello winky, You don't say how long you have been dating or how long this child has lived with you? I'm going to assume that you have been with boyfriend for sometime. I would set ground rules for the cleaning, after all it's your home. A grown adult should have to be told to clean their room or to keep their laundry picked up and placed where it belongs, in a hamper! I don't know if the 21 year old works or not, but even if he does their is no reason that he shouldn't have responsibilities around the house. If he's living their then it would be his home also. I can understand your not wanting to be the one to confront him, as I hate to confront others, but if bf is unwilling to do it someone must. I would confront with well thought out plan and make it as positive as you can. People never take criticism well and especially when it comes from the significant other, which is unfortunate. I would even play out the discussion with a friend or even in your head. I often do the discussion in my head as I can then better answer the hypothetical come backs from the other person, since in most cases I know them better than my friends. I wish you luck with this as I fear that to some degree you will need it. Maybe even have your bf sit down also, even if your the one to do the talking but at least that would show that he supports what your saying. Again best of luck! :)
@winky73 (1396)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Hi beaniefanatic13!! My bf and I been living together for a year now and his son moved back in last October. It would be nice if we could sit down together with him and talk about this and I think that's excactly what I will propose to my bf. Thanks for the advice and the well wishes....you been a great help!
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8521)
• Sweden
28 Mar 07
I really do belive that u have the right to tell him off, after all he is living in your house right? I am surprised that he is still living at home at the age of 21 though, and at that age he should be able to have respect both for you and for his dad. If he can not live by your rules you need to ask him to leave - after all - he is an adult!
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@foxyfire33 (10009)
• United States
28 Mar 07
My s/o has his 16 (almost 17)year old son living with him. As far as the disrespectful part and not picking up after himself, we have the same problems. My s/o is the same way as your boyfriend. We don't live together because of all the problems. Like you, I never felt like it was my place to attempt discipline (not that he'd listen to me any better anyway). I don't know your boyfriend so I don't know how receptive he'll be but my only suggestion is to tell him you can't continue living with the way things are. Tell him he needs to get on his son about things and make him follow house rules or ask him to move out. I'm assuming at 21 he is capable of having a job to support himself. Let your boyfriend know that this really bothers you and if his son doesn't get his act together you may need to live separately until he does. Make sure you tell him you love him and are not against his son, you're just against his son's behavior. It isn't always easy but having a long term committed relationship is possible even if you don't live together. Maybe give him a deadline to take action. You can't continue the way things are. Your boyfriend and his son have no incentive to change and it sounds like you're the only one that can see the damage it's causing. In that respect it IS your responsibility to do something, it's your life being affected. Your boyfriend and his son need a wake up call about things. You need to talk to your boyfriend, he needs to talk to his son. If you do it in a loving non confrontational way, I think it will all work out. Good Luck!