what if you find a family member is gay? please help

India
March 29, 2007 1:38am CST
i m married for 2 years now and working. one day i happened to be in my brother in law's room to do some work online. he was obviously not there but he was online on orkut. sorry but i went through his profile, his friends and the discussions he had with them and i was shocked to fing that he is a gay. i could not tolerate that obscene discussion any more so i came out and just told him to switch off the laptop before leaving to save electricity bill. i mean i m still not sure how to react. how to handle this situation? he is not ready to get married. though now i know the reason but what should i tell his parents? i talked to my husband but he also is not sure how to handle the things. the kind of society we are living in this is too much of a shock. mylotters please help. i nedd your sincere advice as we are just too worried.
6 people like this
14 responses
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Just leave it alone. If he wanted you and the family to know he was gay, he would of told you. I don't think it would be right of you to go and tell the family that he is gay. It's really not your right to tell anyone. You might not even have the correct information, but even if you do, it's still not your place to say anything. So I would leave it as it is and just don't say anything. Maybe in time he will come out and tell the family, but for now he doesn't want to tell anyone so I would just back down and just forget about it for now. It's his life, let him live it the way he wants. When he feels it's time to tell the family, he will. And next time, if you don't want to see something you might not like, then don't be snooping in his profile or laptop.
6 people like this
• India
29 Mar 07
but that laptop is mine. that floor is mine. we had rented and for we were getting married they got it vacated and he is a cousine and living in the whole of the floor like his separate house. hardly he get out of that floor and talks to the family. and imagine my room, my laptop, and i m a stranger. i can just move to that floor to sleep in the night with my husband. rest is all his. and seriously its a bit odd to imagine him sleeping in my bed with a gay.
3 people like this
• United States
30 Mar 07
shalumanu, If bill collectors are coming to your door because he is behind on bills than tell him about it. You are targeting a issue that is not your business. He is gay. So what. That is not what causes him not to pay his bills nor is that the reason for him taking over your house. It is your house so tell him that and tell him he has some boundreys he needs to follow. This should have been done when he moved in. I would make it a point of mentioning that you and your husband wish to sit down and have a talk with him. But for goodness sake about the other issues. Not the fact that he is gay. That is not right and it could very well blow up in your face.
@Foxxee (3653)
• United States
31 Mar 07
You never stated in your discussion that it was not his laptop and that it was yours or that he lived with you. Maybe next time you shouldn't leave that info out. Anyway, still, you have no right in his personal life.
• United States
29 Mar 07
I don't think you should tell his parents. You came across it by accident, you shouldn't have gone through is profile in the first place. He obviously isn't ready to tell anyone yet. I think you should talk to him about it. Tell him that you found out and talk to him about it. Telling his parents will only make the situation worse.
5 people like this
• Philippines
29 Mar 07
I fully agree. Besides, he might also find it difficult to trust you again if you confront his parents about the situation. Talk to him and be sincere in your approach.
• United States
29 Mar 07
I think your problems with him don't have anything to do with the fact that he is gay!!! Your anger is misplaced, if you are mad at him for not paying his bills and bill collectors are always at your door than maybe you should dicuss his debt with him and let him know that is is a problem for you but don't just lash out at his homosexuality just cause you don't like him as a person.
1 person likes this
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
30 Mar 07
NEWS FLASH: She did not find it on ACCIDENT. She totally disregarded his right to privacy! I don't care how many people supposedly come to your door! And I am not sure I believe that, but anyway, you have no right to tell his parents, whom I assume are actually his aunt and uncle, your in-laws? Lady, get real. You hate his lifestyle and you need to level with yourself about why you just had to do work on his laptop and why you felt the need to invade his privacy. You suspected something on some level and went looking. His being gay is not his problem, it is yours. His lack of bill paying is not your problem and if people really are coming to your house, tell hime to get out.
@ssharp (50)
• United States
29 Mar 07
I personally don't think you should do anything. He obviously isn't ready to tell the family yet and if you or your husband "let the cat of the bag" it could become ugly. He may feel that you invaded his privacy or he may not care - but I really think that the ball is still in his court and it should be left to him to decide whether or not to come out to the fam - he may feel its neccessary - really can't give a specific on him since I dont him but Id just stay calm, it doesn tchange your relationship, or him and hopefully not your love and care for him. All will happen in due time
5 people like this
• Canada
29 Mar 07
You cannot be the one to tell his parents this news. I'm sorry but that is HIS place not yours. Maybe the reason he's kept it a secret is because he's aware that family members may have the same reaction that you have towards the news. I think you need to step out of the situation, you really shouldn't have gone through his profile, and regardless of what kind of person he is, he deserves the same respect that any human does. he IS human and he does have feelings. If you tell his parents, you may ruin the relationship completely and tear the family apart. I say let it be. He'll only come out when he's ready to.
@mobyfriend (1019)
• Netherlands
29 Mar 07
I don't think your problem is with him being gay. I think the problem is with the way he treats family. If he had been a lovable person (not the person you described) and you found out about his orientation maybe you would feel less disturbed.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Mar 07
i agree, i don`t think your problem is him being gay u just don`t like him .....his 26 ,ok tolk to him try to help him
1 person likes this
• Canada
29 Mar 07
I think that you should talk to him and see why he is not comfortable coming out with it...
2 people like this
@lecanis (16664)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
29 Mar 07
You know, I read some of your comments, and it doesn't sound like this person being gay is the problem. The problem is that he's a jerk. If I were you, I would leave the whole "gay" part out of the whole thing, and just deal with his transgressions directly. His being gay has nothing to do with the fact that he is behaving in ways that are ridiculous, disrespectful, and harmful towards his family members. I think you should face the situation head-on, and try to get the family to present a united front along the lines of "shape up or ship out". Being gay isn't what makes him a problem. In fact, being gay doesn't say anything about him other than who he prefers to be involved with romantically or sexually. Please don't judge all gay people based on the example of this one person who is obviously just not behaving properly.
3 people like this
@Caila611 (992)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Let him find the right moment to tell his parents. Telling them would just tell on yourself that you read his discussions. I would want to protect your relationship with your brother in law and not say anything. Just love him for who he is not for his lifestyle.
@fpd1955 (2075)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Would you have been any less shocked if he was having an "obscene discussion" with females? If you found Playboy magazines in his room? You should not tell his parents anything. It is up to him to come out to his family. When he does he needs their love and support, after all he is still the same person, just his lifestyle is different from theirs.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Mar 07
It should be left alone by you. This is his business, and he will deal with it. You found it by accident, and you should not have seen his private affairs. So dear, for everyone concerned, don't say anything.
3 people like this
• United States
29 Mar 07
Why in the world would you tell his parents. It is simply a life style and when he is ready he will let his parents know. It is this kind of reaction that makes gay people stay hidden. Is his life style bothering you? Does he try to force you into the way that he lives? You infringed on his privacy. I have known people that live this kind of life style and they are good people. And no I am not into that kind of life style. I am happily married to a man for 34 years. I do not understand why you are making such a big deal out of it.
• United States
29 Mar 07
love him any way God does !it is hard to imagine but we need to remember that even whilst he hates the sin god still loves the sinner this man/boy has enough problems without his own family turning against him !I have several friends who are gay but remember this is just one aspect of thier lives they are still humans and we ned to remember Gods love and try to do likewise!
@DeaXyza (577)
• United States
29 Mar 07
I think you should not have intruded on his privacy at all and since you sneakily read up private conversations, now you must just keep quite, and I think he never told his family he is gay 'cos I am sure people are not ready and they are most probably going to be shocked the way you are! Being gay is as natural as being striaght it is in the genes and it has nothing to do with the guy being wired wrong! So my thoughts are you need to broaden up your mind, second forget the fact that you ever read his personal thoughts, third don't tell on him 'cos you are not going to be helping the situation in any way. And most important of all just accept him, irrespective of what the world is, I have always felt my family and friends are my world and the world outside only plays a tertiary role of society so I will not worry about what society thinks but I shall always want the blessings of my family. So leave the society be, 'cos the socety does not feed you or your family free , you earn it similarly at any point in life if you are in trouble you can not ask the society to come and help you tide over your hard times but believe me you can ask your Brother in law to help you so you take a side you want to support your brother inlaw through this or support the society and condemn him for something that is not even his choice to make in the first place? why don't you read up more on the subject so that you have more knowledge about the subject of being gay. Goodluck!
1 person likes this
@kurtbiewald (2628)
• United States
29 Mar 07
maybe he is ready to get married, just not to a woman you should not be spying on him when you spy on people and are then shocked by what you find, who's fault is that? Think about it seriously awhile? be supportive of him, and stop spying on him
1 person likes this
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
30 Mar 07
I myself am shocked at the number of gays and bisexuals in our society today. We may be shocked, but it's reality. And I don't think you can really change him. If he's gay, he's gay. If it's starting to affect your life, then you have a right to confront him about it. Otherwise, don't worry about it. It's his life.