Abuse...

@tanjila (548)
United States
March 30, 2007 7:47pm CST
I've become desperate... my whole life I have been abused by my mom. I usually deserved it, or whatever... because I did something wrong and made her mad. This is part of why I've been able to deal with it for so long. I figured if I just behaved things would be fine... and they were until I messed up, which of course is unavoidable. So, it's a constant cycle of eras that are okay and we get along fine, and eras of where I am just scared and miserable because of her. I have always wanted to get out of this situation, ever since I was little. She use to leave me alone in the house when I was 3-4 years old, and I was so scared and even being that young I knew she was wrong. But I never said anything because I just didn't want to get her into trouble and I figured it was better to just deal. But it's not. I am emotionally drained, I am scared... I don't feel safe and I am always unhappy. No matter how good things are going, it's always in the back of my head that it could completely turn around if my mom gets angry with me. I don't want to be in this situation anymore. I'm 17, 18 in six months. I want to get out of here. I need to get out of here. I just don't know how... I'm unsure about going to a shelter or anything. I've called a couple of places and they haven't even really been able to help me. I don't need someone to talk to, this isn't a problem I can just work out with my mom. I need help, I need someone to help me take action and get out of here. What do I do?
10 people like this
17 responses
@Jennifer21 (2476)
• United States
31 Mar 07
I have been where you are somewhat. I was abused sexually, physically, and mentally as a child and as I grew up, I lashed out because of it. I met a boy, and instantly, at age 17, I moved in with him. I was just ready to move out, no matter who it was with. I got away, that was what it was all about. It was hard living on my own, but I managed, I made myself manage. I was determined to move out of that awful place. I suggest you move out too. Get a job and a place to stay, and just get out of there.
5 people like this
@tanjila (548)
• United States
31 Mar 07
but you were only 17? did your parents not care to call the cops?
4 people like this
• Japan
31 Mar 07
I don't think parents who abuse their children will bother with what their children get up to.
1 person likes this
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
31 Mar 07
Wait, you are 17 and being abused and wrongly believe you some how deserve this. And you are asking her if her parents cared about her moving out at 17 and didn't they call the cops? Why don't you report your mother at school? Or call the cops? Do you have a friend you can move in with? Your mother needs to pay for this. Be strong and know that you have done nothing to earn any of this. Your mother is completely wrong!
@mbizmom (237)
• United States
31 Mar 07
First of all, you did not deserve it and it was never your fault. People who abuse do so because something is wrong with them, not with the person they are abusing. You need to stop the cycle with you. You are still under 18 so you can go to the department of child services for help. Yes, your mother may get in trouble but that is not your problem. She chose her actions and now you must choose yours, get to a safe place.
5 people like this
• India
31 Mar 07
I agree with you, you must go for help, and learn to put this behind you, take care
2 people like this
• United States
31 Mar 07
CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE 1-800-799-7233 or check out their web site www.ndvh.org they can direct you to resources in your area. If you are really as afraid as you say you are, make the call right now.
4 people like this
• United States
22 Apr 07
Just checking back to see if you are alright. Have you done anything about the abuse?
• United States
31 Mar 07
Well first and for most don't think that its your fault your mother is being mean to you. Although knowing where you live and what the laws are would help in this situation. But i will go ahead and give you one idea i think would work. Call CPS (Child Protective Services) even though you are 17 (and i know you don't want to be called this) you are still considered a child and need help. They can place you in a foster home and then you steadly learn how to be on your own from there.
4 people like this
• Canada
31 Mar 07
To get help, you have to talk to someone. Otherwise, people won't understand why you're like you are. As far as moving out is concerned, do you have a good friend or a family member you could stay with till you have a job and enough money saved to get a place of your own? Staying in that situation really obviously isn't doing you any good. The abuse is NOT your fault, never. Doing something wrong does not give anyone the right to abuse you no matter what. People who abuse do so to hide their own insecurities. While it's no excuse, they do it to feel better about themselves by wielding power over someone weaker than themselves. Removing yourself from that situation is the best thing you can possibly do. But to do that, you have to tell SOMEONE! I wish you the very best of luck. Let us know how you get on.
• Philippines
1 Apr 07
hi. i know all's not good but i know you'll make it through. do what you think is best for you. leave now before it gets too late. nobody has the right to ever abuse you in any way or form. you can do it. start life anew by finding what interests you. take a job. live a life. its difficult but when you think about this in the future, you'll be glad you did it. dont forget to pray. good luck and take care
• United States
31 Mar 07
In my opinion, first, you need to see a guidance counselor...I agree talking about the abuse won't make it disappear out of your life, however it may ease the situation by at least making you less scared and a little more happy. As for your mom, you need to report her to the Department of Child Services so that they can deal with her. No one in this world deserves to be abused, absolutely nobody! But sometimes because you allow it to happen, it will continue to happen unless you take action. I am pretty sure your mom's problem is something that can be fixed. If you never talk to anyone, especially a counselor about your problem, it will never ever go away, you will continue to be emotionally drained...a counselor is trained to deal with such situations.
@towongfoo27 (2989)
• United States
31 Mar 07
I understand what you are going through, tanjila. You have a right to your well-being, no? Get out of there. Go to the police if she physically lashes out at you. There is emancipation from her if you want it. What is her problem?! She has no reason to use you as an escape goat! Do you not have friends you can stay with, or relatives that will understand given her history? If you have to, go to a shelter for awhile until you get on your feet. My mom has also hurt me real bad. To explain, I was raped at 14 and I fell apart after this because she could not emotionally support me nor help me to heal. My mom couldn't help me because she was raped 3 months earlier and hence was still a mess. She got divorced. Then my two younger brothers committed incest with my two younger sisters two years later, and I went ballistic. I started going into their rooms and breaking their precious things, because my mom only saw her boys are princes that cannot do any wrong. Right. I didn't care at this point, so I dropped out of high school. I started partying. Then I got pregnant and became a mom at eighteen. My mother helped me out for awhile, but when I started growing independent and confident, she yanked the rug out from under me. My mom decided it was best to get me out of the way so she could have a closer relationship with my son. I was just a nuisance for wanting something she could not give, so she kicked me out and kept my kid from me. At this point I am powerless. I won't go into details, but it is almost as if my mom changed from the abused to the abuser via manipulating my emotions and thinking, and I am not the only one abused in this way. She convinced me to feel so guilty that I didn't deserve to be happy, and part of me still thinks like this. In short, I was only good to her as long as I behaved as her gopher-errand girl. Otherwise, mommy dearest would use emotions as a bartering tool with me. I eventually learned to ignore my own person by shutting off my emotions and thinking, like her. I know many people may not understand this, but not only was I raped physically at fourteen, but also by my mother emotionally. You would have had to be there to understand this kind of hell. Since my mother uses silence as a tool of control, meaning she unnurtured me this way, I am stuck in the good daughter phase that will never get the acknowledgement needed. I am miserable sometimes because of it. At least I can write about it. I don't know if I helped you by sharing this, but I just wanted to let you know I understand what you are going through. Even though she is your mother, do not let her take advantage of you like my mother did to me. I wish you luck, tanjila. I think the sooner abusive people are exposed, the sooner they bite the bullet when other people know about it.
@Karmalina (647)
• Australia
31 Mar 07
Do you have another relative that you can stay with? Not putting down anybody else's advice but even if you did try to go to college right now or in the near future the odds would be against you because it sounds like you're a bit emotionally traumatized. Do you have a friend's parent you could talk to about letting you stay when you turn 18? Then maybe you'd have a chance at getting some support and counseling and you could try to find part time employment or something to pay the person some rent rather than coming from one bad situation to trying to make it on your own which is also often a rough experience for people your age. Just whatever you do don't try to depend on a relationship to pull you out of your situation. Someone may appear to be "coming to the rescue" but that never works out. Also keep in mind if you can hold on to work you can most likely get a roommate. I also would like to send you a private message regarding this. Good luck to you.
2 people like this
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
31 Mar 07
Sound advice about relationships not saving you. Relationships for the wrong reason can put you in terrible predictaments as well.
@txwoman36 (173)
• United States
31 Mar 07
i have had things happen in my life and i went to see a therapist it helped me alot. even if your mom doesnt want to get help you talking to someone will be beneficial for you. there is adult protective services they might be able to help you. i wish you luck and making your life better for you.
2 people like this
@catcai (1057)
• Philippines
31 Mar 07
Since you have made it clear that talking to your mom isn't going to do anything good, I think you should just wait until your 18 before doing something drastic. While waiting you might as well look for a job so you can save up some money for your plans of moving out. You will need to have some money if you do plan to move out of your moms place. Plan well, and while your working, start talking to people who can help you look for a cheap place, better job, a stable career hopefully. If your relatives can't help you in anyway, I think It's best that you start planning now on what you do with your life when you finally move out of your parent’s house. I don’t think shelters are a good idea also, your 17 you're already capable of looking for and having a job of your own. Use it to your advantage. As early as now, you should start to depend on yourself. I know It's hard being an abuse victim and all, but if you really want to have a change in your life, you have to learn to be strong on your own. I wish you the best in your life, and I hope you become strong enough to face the challenges that awaits you.
@jen20619 (1302)
• Ireland
31 Mar 07
My heart goes out to you.But if you think you are now old enough and you can do better living away from your mom.I would say to it.But only if you have the money and all the things you need to surive on your own.If not start saving .So some day you can leave.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 07
It is not your fault that your mom abused you. She has left you with low self esteem. Your mom is the one who has the problem. You should never have to walk around in your house on egg shells. So you mess sometimes. So do we all. That is not a reason for a person to get abused. Your mom needs help and should get it. You aren't the one getting her into trouble if you decided to say something. She is responsible for her own actions. You should get out on your own. It won't be easy but then the situation you are in is not easy. There is help out there for abused women. I would seek it out and get out of that house.
1 person likes this
• United States
31 Mar 07
hey thier kid hang in thier. i do want to tell you to call a place that takes if battered women. tell them how your mom did what she has done and you do not feel safe and they will get you to a safe place and if they do not then go to a shelter and if the cops are called then tell them what is going on and hopefully they can help you. keep us up dated and hang in thier.
@rhea_lyn (200)
• Philippines
31 Mar 07
I was 17 last year when i moved out from my parents house.Because i've been abused by my mom.She always hurt me physically.All of my life also she always hurt since 4-5 years old,but that time i cannot really take it anymore so i run from my home.Now someone help me to make my life easier and i thank God for that.So just an advised run from that home go to your friend,get a job be strong call God pray and ask for sign..I know he will Guide you no matter what happened.Take care.God bless!
@bl1zer (43)
• United States
31 Mar 07
WOW! that sucks...
@evelynlyp (788)
• Japan
31 Mar 07
You said you are turning 18 in 6 months. Are you about to enter university or even deciding on a university to go to? I think it will be good that you choose a university far away so you only see your mom during the holidays. I come from a family with an abusive father. He was just mentally and verbally abusive. I stay out of his way as much as possible and I chose a degree that will allow me to leave my country. I'm currently studying halfway around the world and things have worked out alright for me. I call home now and again. I return home once a yr for a couple of months.
@whyaskq (7532)
• Singapore
31 Mar 07
Tanjila, I do not believe that anyone deserved to be abused. I agree that little children tend to be a bit naughty and out of hand, but they do not deserved to be abused. It is part of their growing up. Now that you are grown up, soon to independent, I do not see any reason why you should continue with the life. I am not sure what plans you have since you only need someone to help you take action and get out. Are you able to tell the someone what help you actually need? Honestly, I think you need conselling, not to talk to you to accept whatever the solution, but to encourage and help you take the action that you want, and hat is provided you know what you want and that the action is indeed right for you. I wish you all the best. May god bless you.
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
31 Mar 07
Have you reported the abuse to someone. There are places which can help you. I think you could ask for help at local churches. Most counties have abused women shelters. I think you need to get into a place where you feel safe. We should never discipline from anger. Remember this so you dont become an abuser yourself.