What would you do?

United States
April 4, 2007 1:38pm CST
I'm in an issue. I love my husband dearly. Yet, I have rekindled feelings for someone I've known since I was 16. My marriage is fine, we don't have too many problems. Sometimes we have good days and others we don't. I'm comfortable in the marriage I am in I am just not comfortable how I am treated sometimes. Yet, I have stronger feelings for the other person. Yet, I can't see the other person, he just entered the army, we've only been talking on the phone. I never forsaw divorce when I got married. Yet, who ever does. So, basically, I want to see where this relationship with this other person goes, yet, is it really worth sacrificing 3 years of marriage? We bare no children together. We've been trying to have children. Yet since my doubt in our marriage I've gotten back on Birth Control without telling my hubby. I seriously need advice. Should I seek counseling?
4 responses
@wachit14 (3600)
• United States
4 Apr 07
You ask if you should seek counseling and I have to agree that this would be a great idea for you and your husband. You need to be honest with him about using birth control again and about having feelings for someone else. You also need to do it in a place where you feel safe. You both need to explore what direction you both want your relationship to take. It sounds to me like you have a good husband and a good marriage and it sounds like it's a marriage worth saving. Good luck to you both.
@MrsAdvice (623)
• United States
4 Apr 07
I am not surprised, ever since we've been friends I have sensed a "still looking" attitude from you despite your marriage. I had that same attitude during my first marriage. I realized you were not 100% content. However, you have violated your marriage and you are having an emotional affair. It never should've happened in the first place that you are talking to another man outside your marriage. This is against the rules! The best way to evaluate if you should stay or go is a book and I am not kidding, it is written so you can apply it to your own situation and make your own choice, but it is full of sound advice and things to weigh and consider. It is called, "Too Good to Leave, Too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. If the Portage library says their only copy is checked out, I am returning it to Allegan library April 11th so it should be available shortly after that, however, they may have more than one copy. I guarantee you the book will help you more than you could believe! Good Luck!
• United States
4 Apr 07
Ashlee, I answered from my email so I just now saw the rest of the stuff and I am outraged that your husband is treating you this way! The book will help you discover your personal bottom line and you can tell your husband that you will know he wants to end the relationship if he tells that other girl he loves her again or if he ____ whatever. Married people do not act that way! I don't allow my male online friends to send me hugs or kisses or anything. I know my hubby doesn't either. You need to sit down with him and talk about what you expect from marriage and why you are disappointed. You both need to re-evaluate your relationship. This other woman he has said this stuff to needs to be out of your lives completely, as it has already gone too far. Get the book, talk to him, good luck.
• United States
11 Apr 07
Thanks for the advice Tonya. Yes, we have our ups and downs in the relationship. I guess everyone just needs to read both sides of the story before it's totally pointed at my fault. I guess my problem is I see him talking to other girls and sometimes saying stuff that he shouldn't be saying that I have to turn around and do it too to make myself feel better. I guess two wrongs don't make a right. After posting this question and seeing some responses I haven't really called this other guy (his name is Chris). I figure the less I talk to him the more apt I am to be in my relationship with my husband as opposed to a relationship with a friend. I miss Chris, I love Chris, I wanted to be with Chris, but I have to learn to get over him. It's hard when he means so much to me. I wanted to be with him before I even met my husband. We had a fling and then I met my husband and one thing led to the next. I guess my husband was a rebound to make Chris jealous at the time. Yet, it turned into so much more than I had expected. The beginning of Trav and I's relationship was wonderful. Besides him talking to his exgirlfriend. Then he stopped talking to her and I had trust in him and we worked well together. Then he just started getting flirtatious with girls and I lost trust. After which I began reading his stuff and seeing what all he's said to other woman. So, I guess in a way it is my fault. Yet, it's my husband that has driven me to this. Just for the record I have discussed the birth control thing with my husband and he's understanding why I'm getting back on it. Until next time....
• United States
4 Apr 07
You need to be honest with your hubby and tell him what the problems you are having with him are. Maybe if you focus on the marriage and not the other guy you can work things out with your hubby! Don't give up on it that easy Marriage takes work. Who knows that other guy might decide to go somewhere else in his life and there you are divorced with no body. Work on the marriage first and if you still aren't completely happy do what your heart tells you to do
• United States
4 Apr 07
Thank you for your words of advice. I do need to work on the marriage. It's not as though I don't love my husband, he's just not the fairy tail prince I've always sought. Also, I have taken into consideration if I divorced my hubby for the other man what would happen, specifically if it didn't work out between him and I. I would like to add, I have posted other discussion boards about my husband. Particularly the one posted "how much flirting is too much flirting." Maybe if you read that you would understand why my heart goes one way as opposed to the other. The other man has the same feelings for me, and he has told me he doesn't want to ruin my marriage, so I'm sure he would be understanding of my decision. Again, thanks for the wonderful advice!
@mickidmw (992)
• United States
4 Apr 07
I do not envy your position, but why would you risk your marraige if you are not having any real problems??? Is it just because the guy is in the military and you are feeling sorry for him? Have you ever cheated on your husband before? Be careful about the birth control too! You need to let him know or stop taking it. If he finds out the consequenses could be devastating! Does the military guy know you are married? If so why is he risking your happiness? You didn't say you want to leave your husband so I am assuming that this would just be an affair and you could lose your husband over it, would that be worth it? People do it everyday without getting caught but is a little fun really worth the risk. So unless you want to lose your husband I think the best thing you could do is seek counseling and try to work through this. Best of luck to you in this!