Does your spouse appreciate you? Mine doesn't!!

United States
April 8, 2007 5:55pm CST
My husband does not appreciate me anymore. He tells me how he does everything and I do nothing. nothing i do is ever good enough, he is forever pointing out all of my faults. I can't take it anymore. We have been married for 7 years and in the beginning things were definately alot better. Any ideas how I can fix this? Anyone going through a similar situation?
5 people like this
27 responses
• United States
8 Apr 07
I am so sorry you are going through this I have to tell you, you can't change him, you can only change yourself How do you react to the things your husband says? Do you argue? get angry? Do you actively try to do things to please him? I know a lot of people will not agree with this, they will tell you to not put up with this But I ask you, did you marry him for good times only, or did you vow to be his HELPMATE through the tough times too?
@uiwwitch (892)
• United States
8 Apr 07
maybe you are experiencing a plateau in your relationship. You've been together fr too long that nothing excites both of you anymore. Also, maybe he has some valid points. The best thing would be to sit down and discuss this. But when you do, do it with an open mind as it would be better in order to understand his points. Do not be confrontational. If he has valid points the see how he can help you improve. If what he's saying does not make sense to you, explain that to him as well. good luck and I hope things get better.
4 people like this
@lightningMD (5932)
• United States
8 Apr 07
i sometimes feel unappreciated but my husband never says things like that to me ever...sometimes i just feel ignored...maybe you guys could go to counselling and try to find the reason why he feels the need to degrade you...good luck i hope thing improve for you
3 people like this
• United States
9 Apr 07
I am like you I feel unappreciated but he never says anything to me directly. He ignores me and has even says that when I am talking he turns his hearing off. He does nothing around the house and has brought up the fact that he brings more home money wise than I do. He does it in a round about way. He doesn't even change the toilet paper roll when it needs it. Even if he is the one that the paper runs out on.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Apr 07
Whenever my husband and I fight, he throws it in my face that he works and brings home a paycheck and I don't. I often fell unappreciated because I work just as hard as he does as a stay at home mom of 5 children, and a maid. You are not alone in this situation; there are plenty of wives out there that are going through the same thing. Short of filing for divorce the best thing you can do is sit down and talk to your husband about it. Do it when you're getting along, not when you're arguing as he will probably be more open to listening to you. Couples therapy might also be a good idea. This is something that I am trying to get my husband to do as well. Best of luck. Hopefully things will improve for you.
@theponch (198)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I've been through it and i am now divorced from the father of my children. When he loses interest in you and the appreciation that you can be his everything, then the choice is to stay, seek help, or leave. I have found someone who accepts my faults and the positive things i do as well. The second time around is better. I've learn from my mistakes and my ex is more forgiving of me now.
• United States
9 Apr 07
Of course I cannot tell you what to do, however, very often I find myself in the same position. I allow his comments to roll off my back, most of the time. When I'm feeling hormonal, I fight back. My Hubby likes to control everything, so I've gotten used to him telling me "how to do the dishes", "how to wash the floor", and "how to do just about everything". I really don't listen unless I hear something constructive. Usually it's all about his need to hear his own voice. Get used to it. Get yourself counselling, and tell him it's for you, to help you cope. He doesn't have to come at first. Perhaps if he sees how you're developing self-worth independent of him, he'll figure it out and go too. Most men want a wife who says, "Yes, honey, you're So Smart! I'd never think of that, and I'll do it your way, you smart, accomplished man!" Then they want you to give them a bl*w job. Please! They are nothing but men who need their Mothers. It's a problem started at birth. Don't look at it as your failing, look at it as his mental illness. Try to have some sympathy, after all, it sounds like he was abused. Keep your cool, do your job/jobs, and ignore him. By the way, has he had substance/abuse counselling yet?
• Malaysia
8 Apr 07
Hmm... i am not married. But at least i can give you some suggestion... :) 7 years is a very long journey together... i do not suggest both of you sit and discuss... each of you maybe end up shout at each other unless you can keep your calm... Why don't take a break from a relationship. I mean go for a holiday or what... Or maybe go to the place both of you met for the first time.. or do anything that remind both of you of the love that may be forgotten.. Good Luck. :)
3 people like this
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
i haven't gone through the same experience, i've only been married for a month and for now things are going well between me and my husband. we did talk about the possibility of each one of us getting tired of each other and i believe the only way to fix the problem is to be more understanding about each other. try communicating how you truly feel to your husband. being together for 7 years is amazing it will be a waste to throw that away. you can try counselling as well to help improve your lives as a couple. good luck.
@george66 (180)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I'm a luck one. My husband does appreciate what I had done for our family. For your situation, I would suggest to tell your husband about your feeling. I think if it has problem in the marriage, better to solve it earlier.
2 people like this
@tomatoe39 (298)
• United States
8 Apr 07
oh yes mine does appreciate me..he helps in housework, cooking yardwork everything and gets upset if i try to do it all
@lucy67 (819)
• China
10 Apr 07
does he really mean what he says? you know, some men like to play jokes on their wives. if he doesn't joke, you should try to find whether what he says is true or not. even if it is your fault, you can tell him you don't like his way of blaming you all the time. another thing you should make clear is whether he doesn't love you any more and falls in love with another woman. if he still loves you, have a talk with him and i think the situation can be changed.
@mansha (6301)
• India
10 Apr 07
May be its seven year itch that you are facing. even my hubby strted this seven year back btu then I realised how he wants something to be done.he might have felt it since the start of marriage but as you didn't realise now he is being vocal about it. take it in your stride and tell him that you will appreciate if he is leass criticising and siply can show you how he wants anything to be doen. this is easiier said than done but there is no harm in trying. Now after fourteen years of marriage we still have different opinions but we fight a lot less than we used to as we both realised that we are different and there is no use fighting over this.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
i think that is what most couple encounter during their 7th year. it is called the 7th year itch(?!)... and you will surely survive it :) you are in a stage where you are already too familiar with each other. there are things that you are doing but he seem to be blinded by not seeing it. i think, you should change your routine a little bit just to have a visible change. instead of preparing the usual dinner, add spice to it. rearrange your dinner table or use different set of plates. do minor change but with major effect. and talk to him. try to bond again. go out with just the two of you. have a date and reminisce your younger times. ask him what he changes you've made over the years. talk... this is very important in a relationship. i'm sure in due time, this will be settled. good luck :)
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6457)
• Canada
9 Apr 07
THis sounds like it would be very difficult to live with all the time. Sometimes I find myself getting critical of my husband, and I feel like I do all of the work. It's easy to forget how hard the other person works.
1 person likes this
@Cyklo1974 (351)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I know that no marage is perfect but i can definitly say we are both very respectfull and appreciative of eachother. I could not ask for a better woman to be my wife or mother of my children.
1 person likes this
@musu112 (528)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Hey, I think you should not worry about all wats happening, being a good human being just start appciate ur better half as much as you can in all suh situations.....try not to take on heart his anything if you are not getting it back.....I assure you once a day you would definitely gonna reach to his appreciation level very soon..........On my side, I am luckily always appecited =by my better half in all the evnts I you se to do, Thanks a alot to GOD for that....GOOD LUCK to u too
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Apr 07
For the last few months, I've been feeling like my husband has been picking on me. We've been going through some financial stress, and are needing a new car. He has been getting snappy with me, and has been grumpy a bit more. Last night, our child was standing on the couch, while I was in the shower. My husband yelled at her that she was going to ruin the couch. I asked him if he had said anything to her about being concerned about her safety, and not wanting her to fall. He said no, that we paid $1000 for that couch! I wanted to yell at him so badly, because it just seems like lately, he seems more concerned about material things. I know he loves me and our children, but he's just stressed right now, and I wish that he could talk about it with me without getting nasty or treating me like one of the kids.
@Arkento (54)
• India
9 Apr 07
i am not married how i can tell this...but still i hve 1 easy solution take divorce...n marry again....
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I feel that alot of the time. Seems like I can do no right in his eyes most times. He never tells me he loves me, never hugs me and tells me all the time he wants a divorce or for me to move in with my parents I finally had all I could take and I told him fine to get the papers and I would sign and not contest. It made him realize I was tired of his threats about the divorce just because I didn't drum to his little tune then my own. I know he doesn't love me like when we first got together but I spent 17 years with him and that is to long to just quit and give up on even though at times it would seem like a relief to do so that is when I take a little time away from him like go to my moms for a few days and help her get things she needs done but only a few days. My husband does help out in the housework when he is not working but then I have to listen to him b!tch that he did it and I didn't, even if he did it while I was still in bed. It is just me and him in the house so it doesn't get to bad unless we get company or the kids from the family come over then leave trash allover. But he does think that I should start cleaning everything as soon as my eyes are open something he can't even do he has to get up atleast 2-3 hrs before work so he can be awake enough and have enough coffee. To fix this would be to totally clean your house then take a few days away from him a Friday to Sunday night kinda thing I am not saying to go to counselling because does that really work for long? Yeah, maybe at first for a few days or months, but things always revert back. I am overweight and sometimes it is hard for me to get the things he expects all done up in the time he wants. I have to take my time usually it will take me all day to clean because I will clean one room at a time and then take a break or sometimes only that room a day. I suffer from depression and it sounds as though you may too. I would get it checked out atleast. Maybe try getting a energy booster vitamin or supplement. It may take about 3-5 days of taking it for it to show results but it does. I even drink energy drinks ocassionally. Rip it energy drink is a good one that I like it is like red bull but cheaper and taste better if you get the citrus orange one. Well good luck to you and hopefully you will get things straightened out. I think you need to make a list of the pros and cons of staying together and then work on the cons that makes it easier to know what you need to deal with and work on. I tell mine all the time if he doesn't like how I do it to either do it or hire a maid or deal with it because I am not a perfect person and yeah I have faults but I don't like having them throwed up in my face all the time. which my hubby does do ocassionally, like my weight and sevral other problems. Well best thing I could say is to tell him that he has faults also and that before he starts tossing yours around he should take a look at his own. It is considered mental and emotional abuse when this happens to us and it doesn't fix things it just makes us worse and makes us sink deeper into depression.. I have told my hubby that if he doesn't like the way I am then it's his fault because he made me the way I am right now..I am 32 years old now and i got married at 16 young I know, hold on cause 7years is a long time to have held on just to let go of, try to work things out. My husband ignores me sometimes when I try to get him to listen to me about what I think is wrong and try to fix it since he thinks he isn't the problem. I make him listen sometimes it does good for awhile.. I just want that old loveing feeling back to walk into a room and know I am loved and not judged by what I have or haven't done that day. Well, good luck because if your hubby anything like mine your going to need it. Bye.
@cabergren (1182)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I have been in similar relationships with men like that. They usually get worse before they get better. You definitely need to go to get some counseling and try to fix this problem. If not it doesn't sound like you have any chance of this marriage working out. I actually got very lucky in finding my husband. He is a very easy going kind of guy and never gets mad about anything. We get along so well. I do feel so lucky after all the bad relationships I have had.
1 person likes this