Am I being selfish? He's my child too!

United States
April 9, 2007 10:22am CST
How would you react while anticipating the birth of an unborn child something traumatic happens and the child is born early with many health problems? Would you keep the child and take care of him/her or would you place the child elsewhere? I have 2 children and during a traumatic birth my son is severly handicapped, he is almost 2 and my daughter is 5. My son requires one on one care 24 hours a day which i provide. I have been told that i am being selfish for keeping him and taking the time away from my other child and husband. I would take care of them the same if they were ill or handicapped. He's my child too. Am I being selfish and to whom because I am the one that has completely given up my life to devote to my children. How would you react to a situation similar to this or are you in a similar situation?
2 people like this
20 responses
@cdv102 (133)
• United States
9 Apr 07
No, you're not being selfish, but you are being unrealistic if you think your total devotion to one child is not effecting your marriage and your relationship with your daughter. I would say you really need to look into hiring a full-time nurse to assist you and take some of the pressure off of you. Your husband and daughter may not need you as much as your son does, but they do need you. And you need a break. You'll only be able to keep that schedule up for so long. Look into some support groups for more ideas on how to maintain a healthier balance for everyone. Good luck.
2 people like this
@avonrep1 (1863)
• United States
9 Apr 07
A standing Ovation - You deserve even more for what you are doing.
You are not being selfish, you are being a wonderful parent, you have stuck around, to give your child what he needs, unconditional love. You deserve a standing ovation for your dedication to your son. How would I react if people were tell me what they are telling you, I would cut them out of my life. I want supportive people surrounding me, not negativity. Good luck and know you are a strong woman. Only a strong woman can handle a situtation like this.
• New Zealand
9 Apr 07
Oh, wow. This kid is yours, and so you have the choice to do whatever you think is best. It will be hard for your other kid and husband, but I have to agree with you - if you want to look after your kid, you should.
• United States
9 Apr 07
you are doing the right thing my friend to be selfish would be to not keep him just for your own convenience this child did not ask to be born and he deserves a mother who loves him enough to care more for him that she does for heraelf!
2 people like this
@prue187 (518)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I would take care of my children well enough if he/she is handicapped, But I also need to make sure that I have the time for my other children and my husband. I have a little one and my eldest child is almost 10 sometimes my oldest kid want some attention in which I do provide her, I do not want to neglect her and make her feel left out. I make her understand that she's a big sister and her brother is too little to do things by himself. I understand your situation and I think your doing a great job as a mom but I also suggest that you spend time with your other children and your husband. I really admire you for you are such a strong mother to deal with this problem and I believe you will come up with a solution if the problem is just time.
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I admire your constant care for your son and that you never tire from taking care of him. I think I will do the same and give him the utmost care and attention possible but having time for yourself and for your husband and daughter is important too. Maybe you can share your attention with your husband and daughter and have them a go with caring for your son. It's also not that nice if you spoil him and it's better if he grows up like others kids too. Even if he's handicapped, he can still enjoy life like a normal kid. I hope that you and your family will be able to sort this out. Good luck and keep up the great work! Just give time for yourself and your other family too =)
2 people like this
@TriciaW (2442)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Who ever is telling you that you are being selfish has never had to deal with a hard situation in their own life. Shame on them. With that said do I think you need help doing it? Yes you do. There are ways to get that help which you really do need. First he should qualify for social security disability which can then lead him eligible for other programs. In home health nurse care and respite care to give you a break. It is important for you to have a break because I know how much it can take out of us as parents of children with special needs. Just remember as much as we want to be super mom's we do have to take care of ourselves to take care of our children. Don't worry what other people say cause you are being a good mom and as for your other child she will be a better person because of the compassion and care you are showing them by taking care of her brother. My 2 daughters are the most caring young ladies because of what they watched while their sister took up so much of my time. Neither reqrets anything that was done at that time and they have more compassion for other people then most young people I know. Take care of yourself and your family!!
@birthlady (5613)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I respect your devotion to your handicapped child. It is good for your other children to be raised with their brother. You are teaching your children unconditional love, and teaching your children that just because someone is "different" with health problems, that we don't just throw that person away. Your children will grow up knowing that all children are beloved by you, and they will not worry they will be given away if they are not perfect. You are doing the right thing. I would keep my child at home also.
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I don't think that you are being selfish, but I do think that you will burn out. You need to have time for yourself, your husband and your daughter. I commend you for keeping your son with you and taking care of him. That is what a parent should do. Is there any programs in your area that you can take your son to during the day, like a school program, that will work with him and expose him to other children? I would think that there should be a way you can get assistance to hire someone to come into your home and help with your son also. Don't take the important time away from your daughter and husband. Your daughter should be as important to you as your son, so try to get some much needed help.
2 people like this
• Canada
9 Apr 07
I don't think you're being selfish at all. We'd expect to take care of our children no matter whether they're healthy or handicapped. However, I do think it's wise to try and make time for yourself. If you're not careful you will crash and burn. I wonder whether there are any programs that you could take your son to once a week or so, just to give you some time with your husband and daughter. This doesn't make you selfish or needy either. It's a necessity. If I were in your shoes I would have done exactly the same thing, but I would also have had a look into any programs that are run that would maybe take my son while I had a bit of time to myself and the family. Good Luck.
@angelmae (351)
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
I don't think that's selfishness. But you also need to balance your time. And give some to your daughter, husband and even yourself. Or else, you may lose them. So, do something before that happens.
@ThulsZ (784)
• India
10 Apr 07
There are ways to get that help which you really do need. First he should qualify for social security disability which can then lead him eligible for other programs. In home health nurse care and respite care to give you a break. It is important for you to have a break because I know how much it can take out of us as parents of children with special needs. Just remember as much as we want to be super mom's we do have to take care of ourselves to take care of our children. Don't worry what other people say cause you are being a good mom and as for your other child she will be a better person because of the compassion and care you are showing them by taking care of her brother.
@mobyfriend (1019)
• Netherlands
10 Apr 07
You are certainly not selfish. You are a loving mom but you should get all the help you can get. If someone can help you or if it is possible that you let your child stay with someone for a weekend then you and your husband and daughter can have a breather. Taking time for the three of you is not selfish but sensible. That way you will have more energy for when you are taking care of your son again.
• Malaysia
10 Apr 07
it's a very tough decision.. but.. let's talk based on religion view.. we believe that things are granted by god right? ....it is a fate for you to have such a child.. but you must not give up ur role as a mother.. this might be a test from the god.. and if you neglect him.. what will happen to him? if we were to talk about afterlife.. then you will have a bad karma... you produce something.. and you have to accept the results right? so . do accept it.. trust me.. you'll be the best mother ever =)
@shila07 (515)
• Bhutan
10 Apr 07
YOu are not a selfish mother. I really appreciated what you do to your handicapped son. Its really great and you should continue caring him till his last breathe. You will be blessed if you do so. You know what mother cannot differenciate her children, descriminate them. You are doing right thing. Let them tell what ever they want, donot bother about them. If i were in the situation, i would do the same what you did and doing. I would care him more than other children who are normal. SO donot worry.
@Kristien (78)
• China
10 Apr 07
A great mother!!! I don't think you are selfish, but I agree that you should join some program with your son, eg. playing with other children and parents, etc. And then, you can hire an assistant to help you to take care of him, so you can have more spare time to stay with your daughter and your husband. Because a whole family is made up of you, your son, your daughter and your husband, it will be half-baked without anyone of you. My English is poor, so I hope that you can understand me, and I give all my best wishes to you, your son and your family sincerely!
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
I don't think it is selfish, it is love that brings you to this situation. If I were you, I will devote my full time to my son just to feel him that i loved him so much. Maybe my other child and my husband will also understand that extra care and love will do to comfort my sons illness, if it happens. I can express my love to some other ways that they will feel that i am not unfair when it comes to feelings. Give most of your time to your child, a child happiness is the happiness of the parents.
@bad1981 (799)
• United States
10 Apr 07
Id keep my child and take care of my child. I would love my kids regardless of what their handicap may be.
• China
10 Apr 07
I think you work hard now.We need to help others and of course you can let your husband help you,I think it is ok.
@kurtbiewald (2629)
• United States
10 Apr 07
i would try to care for him for me though, just being under 5 years old is a problem for me too loud, too needy , etc.