Healing vs. Losing Yourself

This is an interesting response, Angelwhispers. I don't know if I believe that we can change the basic foundation of our personality either, but I do know there are people who would have me try. It's frustrating sometimes. I just cannot believe that every supposed "negative" trait I have stems from abuse. It amazes me the types of things people try to blame on the abuse I suffered, from my interest in "masculine" hobbies to the places I like to go. I can see what you are saying about changing your reactions being what getting healthier means. That's a very important distinction I think, one that I need to mention to the bossy people who try to change me for the wrong reasons, using such excuses. I like what you said about humor, and I like this very much: "Being healthy can only make what you are great at greater."

I was thinking about this before you commented and I am going to use my middle son as an example of what I have come to believe about personalities. He is now 21, but when he was laid in my arms after the most excruciating deliveries, natural btw, he weighed in at 9lbs 2 oz's, I was so tired that I felt disassociated from my newborn. I was falling asleep, and afraid I would drop him so that I asked one of the nurses to take him to the nursery. For the first 6 weeks of his life he did not stop crying, I thought I would lose my mind. I had him to the doctor every week. At first it was colic, then it was just one of those contrary babies. Finally some of that crying calmed down but he did not. He was vocal as a young child, mischievous is an understatement. When he was 8 I became pregnant with my third son. Okay bare with me here for a few more minutes. From that point on when my last son was born, my middle son had exactly what they call middle child syndrome :)) AS a teenager he was a nightmare, now he is married and has a family of his own. He still to this day walks in a room and demands all of the attention there. My point here is , how did he know he was going to be a middle son? He was my last as far as his father and I had planned. How did he know? The thing is, it was his personality from the start that made him the way he is. Yes a lot of our family struggles were over just trying to get him through high school and grown. He still has bitterness about some of the things his father and I had to resort to to keep him safe during that time. I am not saying we did not make a lot of mistakes. I know that we did, all of the fighting and screaming, blaming each other. So again my point is that we are born who we are, our environment shapes those weaknesses and or strengths, But we are who we are. At some point the real soul emerges past what ever chit is crowded around us and smothering us.

This is a really good example, Angel! Thanks so much for posting it! I might not have a lot to say right now, but I wanted to let you know I read this and apprecated it.

I really like that quote. =) You make some really good points here. There are things about me that I would like to change, but they aren't the things that other people are telling me to change. So I essentially just need to tell the bossy people to stuff it, eh? "I've found that being true to myself means, in part, to do what I need to do to keep healing so the two are not mutually exclusive!" This is a really good point too. I feel that way as well. I know that the people who basically blame the PTSD for anything they don't like about me are wrong, but it's hard not to doubt yourself sometimes. Thanks for the reassurance!

"Only change what YOU would like to change!" I think that's some really good advice. Thanks! =) As to all the nice things you said about me, thank you. But I worry about this because I'm told that offline I can be overly serious, sort of melancholy, and not too good at social interaction on a non-work-related scale. =p

Absolutely tell them to stuff it! LOL After all, they don't have to live with you for the rest of your life 24/7s, YOU do! So which is more important? Changing to make them happy or yourself? ;) Only change what YOU would like to change! Besides, hun, how can YOU even be worried about this? I only know you from your posts here but you have got to be one of the sweetest, most compassionate, caring people I know! Nothing's going to change that :)

PTSD = Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most often it is associated with veterans who were in combat, or with victims of violent crimes, though there are many other things that can cause it. In my case, it was a severely abusive childhood and later being a victim of other violence. There are a lot of different mental health conditions that can be caused by these issues as well, and often people with PTSD are also diagnosed with other conditions. You're right, it does take too much energy to try to be like everyone else. I don't want to be like everyone else either. But I do want to be more mentally healthy, and what I'm really talking about here is balancing becoming actually healthier with not giving up your own personality in the name of fitting what other people describe as "mentally healthy" or "normal". Thanks for your reply!

Thanks for the clarification. I hope you can find the real you and live heathier.

All is as well as can be expected for the moment. I'm feeling a little under the weather, but I had a wonderful morning with my husband and child, and this afternoon has been kind of nice just relaxing in front of the computer and playing with the baby some. =) You are right about the word "normal" and how it doesn't really mean anything. I guess what I should have said was "healthy" but that doesn't really convery my meaning right either. Words can be difficult sometimes! Thanks for all your kind words. I really appreciate it. I'm pretty lucky to have a friend like you! =) I guess the things I want to change about myself are just how I react to certain situations. I want to be able to do more in my life than I do now, and most of my limitations are caused by the PTSD in some way or another. I just don't want to change everything about myself, and some people seem to think that's what I need to do, which is why I started this thread. I just get tired of anything someone doesn't like about me being seen as a result of my history, and not just part of who I am. But you're right that I need to worry less about what other peoplpe think. I am a person in my own right, and I have the right to make those decisions for myself. =)

*nods* That's true, every person has so many sides of themselves, and what each person sees depends on many different factors. Putting all of those pieces together into a whole can be very challenging. For me, with so many parts of my memories scattered, or known from second-hand information, it's extremely hard. But the main thing I have found to be the challenge is not making the "healthy" part another part, but rather making "me" healty, all of me. For a while I was doing a really good job of pretending to be okay, even when I wasn't, but it was just the face I was showing, and not anything real.

Yeah, your description sounds a lot like the one I tend to give. I didn't want to make it out alive either for a long while, and more than once I almost didn't. I've been through a couple healing stages before now, where I've learned to deal with certain things. For a long while I was pretty impossible for anyone to deal with, because I would just flip out sometimes, and no one around me would know what to do. I've gotten a lot better, and most of the time I do okay, but there are still some things I'm working on. =) Thanks for your post! I do wish you well with your own healing!

Thank you! We can get through it! Just with the help of others, and the will to be alive and well.

Thanks! You have a good point about there really existing no such thing as normal.

Thanks, xParanoiax, this is really helpful. =)

Thanks, complexvanilla. Very sweet of you. =)

You know, you have a good point about everyone suffering from PTSD in one form or another. I hadn't ever thought of it in that way. I had always heard about PTSD in terms of people who like me were victims of abuse, or in terms of veterans. Thanks for the new perspective. I am chaning and learning to cope with the new me, that's been a long and complicated process over the past few years... and I'm sure it will continue to be. I guess my question is why people expect me to shape that new self based upon what they want, and not what would be right for me.

I guess I'm trying to say that in order to heal other people are trying to convince to me to give up my real personality, when that isn't necessary for healing. Basically by claiming any part of me they don't like is "part of the problem" (the problem being post-traumatic stress disorder), they're trying to mold me in ways they prefer, instead of letting me really heal in the way that is best for me. It's not about being a good or a bad person. I am a good person, I have always been a good person, but some really bad things happened to me that caused me to just not be as mentally healthy as I should be. So now in trying to create that "healthy me" I'm being held back by people who are trying to force their own opinions of who I should be upon me.

Haha, you're off topic! No, really I get what you are saying. You have some really good points here. Thanks for your post. And may that which you hold divine be with you always, in all ways, as well. =)