Taking Aim At Starbucks  

I should have posted this one instead as my 500th discussion. My other one is tanking
This is from a column I wrote recently in my newspaper.
It's called "Taking Aim at Starbucks."

That and a quarter will buy you a cup of coffee.
Remember that old saying?
That saying started off with the cup of coffee costing you a dime, but then was updated due to inflation.
If you were to say that today, you’d have to say something like: “That and four bucks will buy you an iced mocha frappucinno grande.”
It is being reported that Starbucks announced recently that it plans to raise prices of its lattes, cappuccinos, drip coffee and other drinks 5 cents, or an average 1.9 percent.
I’ve got to hand it to these guys; the folks at Starbucks have elevated the whole marketing Three Card Monte trick to an art form.
You walk into any Starbucks and you see this grand, or using the Starbucks vernacular, “grande” menu behind the counter that offers this wide assortment of beverages both hot and cold.
You take a look at their menu and then the whole rocket scientist set up they have going on behind the counter where five associates work maniacally to prepare your chosen beverage just the way you like it, and you can see why Starbucks chose to bump their prices a nickel.
These creations are hard work.
I can save Starbucks a slew of money here, and save y’all that extra nickel for a cup of Joe. I can certainly save them money on their marketing costs, particularly in the new menus that will appear in the kajillion or so Starbucks located on every street corner in America and beyond.
I could put their entire menu on a simple business card to fit easily in the palm of your hand.
It would read like this: Coffee and milk, price: a nickel more than last week. Sizes: Big.
Take a look at the different products offered by Starbucks. They have lattes, cappuccinos, coffee, iced mocha frappuccinos, mocha cappuccinos… I could go on all day.
What you see there is basically coffee and milk hot, coffee and milk hot, and coffee and milk cold, and lastly, coffee-flavored coffee and milk frozen. The mocha cappuccino is basically Arabic coffee-flavored Italian coffee and milk.
I looked it up.
Mocha in the dictionary means a rich Arabic coffee.
How many of you thought mocha meant chocolate?
Here’s a more specific breakdown of Starbucks treats. You can Google this if you want to see that I’m not making this up.
Café au’ lait – that’s coffee and milk; the milk is steamed and you get half coffee and half milk.
Cappuccino – milk and coffee with foam; pretty much you get a shot of really strong coffee or espresso and about a quart of steamed milk. I call this coffee flavored milk. You can get the foam if you want it.
Latte – coffee and milk again; it’s espresso with steamed milk and foamed sans sugar. Didn’t I just say cappuccino was espresso and steamed milk? I asked and I stand corrected. Cappuccinos are espresso with steamed milk, foam and sugar. So if I add a teaspoon of sugar into my latte I don’t have a latte anymore I have a cappuccino, right?
I’m getting confused.
Macchiato – coffee and milk but with a squirt or two of vanilla for your trouble.
Americano – espresso diluted with water so it tastes like regular coffee. Isn’t espresso diluted with water regular coffee anyway? Oh yeah, you can add milk if you want.
Mocha – see above first, but it’s on the menu. Mocha is just coffee, but they throw that chocolate in there to confuse you, and milk.
Espresso – just espresso. It’s really, really strong coffee and you can buy a shot of it for about four bucks. If you’re really brave, you can order a double. Espresso is just that coffee that’s been sitting around in the bottom of your pot for about three or four days. Yes, it will put hair on your chest.
Espresso Macchiato – this is a shot of espresso dropped into foamed milk, just the foam not the milk. Still, what do you have? Coffee and milk.
Espresso Con Panna – this is a shot of espresso dropped into a pile of whipped cream, and what is whipped cream class? Milk. What is espresso? Coffee. Again, coffee and milk.
And now Starbucks wants to charge a nickel more for all of this?
You know?
We should charge them a nickel just for the trouble of trying to decipher their menu.
That and a quarter will buy you a cup of coffee.
Do you know what you can get for a quarter at Starbucks?
Laughed at.


Related Resource: chocolate milk