The Power in Forgiveness.. how did you claim yours?  

I don't think it is ever easy to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply. But forgiveness frees you, and that is what the miracle is... When you harbor hurt feelings the only one you are hurting is you... and forgiving sets you free.

It doesn't mean that person has to be your friend... it just means that you let the matter go and it has no power over you anymore. I had a bitter heart for many years but I am glad that I let it go... I am happier for it.

When I speak of forgiveness, Lecanis, it is not to free the other person. They have to live with their guilt and shame until they deal with it themselves... but forgiveness frees me from the torment and the anger I felt. The anger I felt was tearing me down and making me sick. I couldn't even have a relationship because of the anger.

Forgiveness set me free of the bondage from the other people. I have learned to process it and go on. My parents never sexually abused me.. but I was abused just the same. My mom abused in her own way... which hurt me more than any hits or blows could have.

My mom always let me know I wasn't good enough. I didn't measure up, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't ever enough. That is all I can really remember of my mother is that she never thought I was enough.

I was able to get passed it though. My dad broke my coccyx by throwing me when I was 12. That was the last time he ever laid a hand on me, but before I was a punching and kicking bag.

I was able to forgive them. God tells us to turn the other cheek, that is for sure.... but he doesn't tell us what to do after that... so I can choose to do what I will. I don't have to like them... I don't have to love them.

I only love them because I know they didn't know any better. My dad was abused and so was my mom as a kid... so I guess they didn't know any better.

I respect your path Lecan.. and I know you do mine as well. That is one reason I love you so much as a friend. I love seeing your avatar, it just lights up my heart to know you are one of my friends.

Cookie

I'm glad to hear that your way works for you, and that your forgiveness set you free.

I've heard that my whole life, in various counseling and victim's groups, which is why I guess most of that stuff doesn't work for me. I simply don't see it that way. I'm lucky to at the moment have a therapist that understands my way of thinking and can work with it. :)

The "didn't know any better" thing bothers me because it's the abuse I suffered that makes me so against abusing anyone else. I know how it feels to be hurt like that, thus I don't want to do it to anyone else. I would never, ever harm my own child. Everyone has personal choices to make, and if I can make the right choice despite abuse, my family should have been able to make the right choice as well.

*shrugs* I'm not trying to say you're wrong, but I'm sure you know that. I do respect your path, and I do cherish your friendship. Even if we walk different paths, we can share our hearts. :)

Yes, Lecan we can always share our hearts. Always! I will always be your friend. I know what you mean about choosing not to abuse your child... I could never harm my daughter. I think my dad had his own set of demons. I'm glad though that I didn't let what he did to me stay with me at the forefront of my mind.

I remember my dad saying my daughter aught to be horsewhipped! Do you see the similarity?... that is what happened to him. I told him he wasn't to lay one hand on her. I told him he would never mistreat her like he did me. He would have never seen her again if he had.

This may surprise you Lecan, but talking with you and knowing your story actually BOOSTED my own power of forgiveness. Weird?

I know people hurt and plenty of times I read it from a distance, or I get to see it more firsthand (family, friends, acquaintances)... then there's myself of course... A few "dark chapters" to put it in a sociable way...

Also Champ Oreo helped me out too with her talking and story, along with Cia.
I bet I won't have much else to post for a "my own" response, but I had to get this out.

Oh and know that I can completely agree with what you are saying Lecan. Heck, some have said I'm way worse and way more cruel not to just those that hurt me and my loved ones, but also to people who do wrong...and I've never even met. No matter the opinions, I'm still me, you are still you, Oreo is still Oreo. Forgiveness will come in different shades among the people. Even others may take a different view when learning and knowing the experiences of others in this matter.

Thanks Programer. I think so much of both of you. I think we all deal with our hurts and angers in different ways. We heal and the scar is still there and always will be, but it is a scar.. so tough that the wound will never bleed again. We all have our walls that we erect and boundaries we form. Those boundaries are good to have. So I see what Lecan has stated as just as healthy as what I have stated. There is no right or wrong.. it is what is right for us. I have boundaries that no one will tred past either. No one will walk on me like they did. I am a changed person from what I used to be.

For me forgiveness is not turning the other cheek and letting someone walk on me. I will put that person out of my life. That forgiveness is just letting go... it isn't for the perp it is to free me.

Love you both very much! I love seeing your avatar too Programer.

Pro... I love that you told me that. You have no idea how much that means to me. Because what it does for me is prove that we can help each other even when we are on different paths, or our ways of doing things are different.

Also, I might say "I don't forgive" because I don't like some of what "forgiveness" means to me, but you also don't see me out there abusing the people who abused me. So while I call it "channeling the negative energy to positive outlets" instead of releasing it, in a way it's not all that different really. :P

I love that we can all be friends. :)

Very well said Lecanis. I love how you explained that... and I believe your belief is very similar to mine, yet I just call it by a different name. The only ones I have ever let back into my life are those that have truly turned their life around and how they treat me. Those that have not earned my trust I will not let into my life again... and at the same time I don't belabor the anger either because that would only hurt me. I think I try even harder to be kind and respectful to people whether I know them or not.

Cookie

I think everyone misunderstands forgiveness. They expect to forgive the person and you be friends again. Not necessarily! Probably most times not. I forgave my husband for cheating on me but I still divorced him. What I am saying is forgiveness is to free the individual... me... It isn't to make the perpetrator feel better or not. They don't have to ask for my forgiveness for me to forgive them.

Whether you forgive and they don't change... is irrelevant... I wouldn't let them in my life to upset it again, but I would still forgive them... and that is just to say.. "I don't hold any bad feelings against the other person. I free myself of these angry and hurt feelings".. it isn't so "I forgive you so you can stomp on me again."..

I have just learned to let things go so they don't fester in me like a wound. I was wounded for many years, and it only hurt me. It didn't hurt my abuser that I was wounded and carrying hard feelings... but when I forgave I was free. That is what forgiveness is to me. It is a gift of freedom the Lord gives to us.

Holding a grudge against someone is only hurtful... but that person doesn't ever have to be invited into your life ever again. Forgetting is just not bringing it up.


Say you are married and your spouse cheated on you... but you forgave. You stay together as if nothing was wrong because you forgave. Then one day you are in a bad mood and throw all the garbage back into the spouse's face when there is an argument... that is the opposite of forgetting. We cannot forget as God does. He forgives us our sins and sees them no more. He throws them into the sea of forgetfulness I am told. ( I don't know if that is scripture or home spun scripture).. but as long as we have memory we are going to remember. We just choose not to use it as a weapon against the forgiven.

These are my thoughts... I absolutely agree with you that forgiving doesn't mean to come back to more abuse. I usually forgive and then leave them out of my life if I didn't want to deal with anymore abuse.

To me that is the only way. Well, depending on the situation. But usually. I will forgive, but then don't go back. IF they want to come to me and try again, they do so on my terms. They will have to earn my trust again.

I agree! They would have to earn trust back.

My mom and dad were part of the cycle of abuse. I made up my mind my daughter would never go through what I went through.

But yes I forgave but it took a long time because I always let it eat at me. It was when I realized there was a little boy inside my dad that had never been held or loved by his dad that I realized he was in pain all those years. My dad was whipped with a bull whip when he was little. His father would say "let me see you dance" and he would crack the whip and wrap it around his ankles.

I think how I was able to work through the hate and love them was when I realized they were wounded too and didn't know how to live without the pain.

I am glad they didn't go to their graves with me not loving them.

The good news is they can't hurt you anymore. You are grown now and you have such a loving heart for helpless beings. God is using you in a mighty way, and I do believe some how you will be able to heal from this. It wasn't your fault... and I would have hatred too if that happened to me. Sometimes the bad things that happen to us can be turned around to help someone else. I think in a way you are already doing that. No one was there to help you, but you are there to help others.

I want to tell you about a young man. He is 35 now I think... but when he was just 4 and 5 years old he was sexually abused by teenagers. They put him in a burlap bag and tied it up with a long string and they would throw him in the water as if to drown. They pulled him out slowly. That was the torture he went through and he was continually raped.

He grew up drinking and trying to forget what happened to him. Every time he was drinking with his friends he started preaching. He would say "We got to stop this drinking or we are going to hell!" and he went on every time he got drunk he preached.

Now he doesn't drink but he is a pastor. He has a heart for kids that have been abused and he has helped them find peace. He feels his calling has been with him all his life and he didn't know it.

What those devils did to him was terrible, but my pastor turned it around to serve a good purpose.

I think in a way you are doing the same thing. You have a ministry also. If you weren't such a loving heart, you would have never taken my Sassy in and loved her as your own.

I love you CatsandDogs!

Cookie

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It's odd he should ask you that too... like what he did deserves to be forgotten. Sure he would like you to forget because then he doesn't have to think about what he did.

If I were to forgive I would not forget something like that and my daughter would never be around him. What kind of man would touch his step daughter? What is the attraction? I just don't get it.. they don't love their step kids?

Anyway it is your choice to forgive and it is to help you not him.

Just wanted you to know Oreo that I'm not ignoring you with not continuing on with this. It's just that it's struck a cord with me and I haven't been able to get past it.
(Gotta tell ya, Sassy just jumped into my lap! She must know I'm talking to you! lol)
Anyway, I just found out something and I'm really down in the dumps now. I'm just so tired of being sh*t on and for no reason at all. I'm hurt when I know I shouldn't be and should just let it roll off of my back but for some reason I can't. I try to be the best person I can be only to get treated like some contagious disease. So that said, it's hard as hell for me to forgive anyone in my past when the present treats me like they do. It's hard. But you know, I still won't change. I mean, it's hardened me yes but it won't change my "way" with people. I'll continue to treat others as I would want to be treated but at the same time I can't trust like I once did. In other words, I don't know if this person or the next will be a true friend to me as I will be to them so in a sense my guard is up. This is the very reason I live in seclusion. I fear people. I fear that I'll have to defend myself once again and I hate doing that for I feel I'm on stage when I'm put in that situation. Again it's another vicious circle. Around and around I go.

Maybe Sassy is responding to your need right now. You need a hug and she is there to give it to you. I'm proud of my Sassy for being such a loving girl.

I think if we were closer in proximity we could be friends. I too like seclusion. I can be around people, but I choose the ones I am around. I don't like being around a lot of people. I watch people and I listen and I decide if I want to be friends. I don't just accept everyone at face value. I will pass and repass with anyone, and I can be friendly without being friends.

My true friends I can count on my 10 fingers I guess. I've made some really good friends here in Mylot land and I think of you as one of those friends. I would love to get to know you better.. but I would never push myself on you.

Give Sassy a hug for me. I can love her from a distance, my friend. I will never stop loving her.

It's good you can talk about it Marilynut. The more you can talk about it the less power those memories have on you. I think that is what helped me with my father. I actually cleared the air with him several months before he died. I resented having to be his care taker since he was so abusive. I think talking about how I felt... how he made me feel was key to my healing. It still took a long time, and I still have memories, but they don't consume me.

Parents and stepparents don't know what they do to their kids sometimes. I think being abused myself made me a better parent... it gave me an example of how to never let myself become. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

During my angry years I went through 3 husbands. I was so unstable because of my hurt. But now I am stable, even if I am alone. I have come to a place where I like who I am and no one will ever hurt me again. I hope the same for you dear Marilynut. NO one to ever hurt you again.

Yes, when I forgive someone something really bad i do jut let it go and never let them in my life again. I have forgiven so I don't cry over the pain of it, and now it doesn't bother me.

We all forgive, Programer, in our own way. I let things go, but I don't forget. What I don't do is ever use what i have forgiven as a weapon. Never. If I would feel like that, it would be better to let that person be out of my life completely, because that kind of negativity would only hurt me.

It would be stupid to say you forget in the normal term os what forget means to us. We don't forget unless we have memory problems. What we do is put them away and choose to not hold it over someone's head. If that was the case I wouldn't have forgiven in the first place.

To constantly hold something over someone's head is to say You are guilty and I'm not going to let you forget it. I don't play those games. I walk away and never look back. I let the transgression go, but they are not in my life again unless I feel I can trust them. If I can't I cut all ties forever.

I agree Annie. And no matter what path someone is on the word may be different than forgiveness... but I think it all comes to healing in some way. I am reminded of what the bible says about all things work together for good. I don't think it matters whether we are talking about religion/s God/s or what... but all things have a way of balancing out so that we can heal eventually.

You are right Aries. Forgiveness heals you. It heals me. I don't like having bitter feelings and a negative attitude because of unforgiveness. Letting it go can make a difference between sickness and health.