Knowing Stuff  

Knowing stuff.

That’s what becomes important to most men my age when the realization hits that we can no longer run faster or jump higher, and that anyone in America under the age of 40 has no clue what PF Flyers are.

PF Flyers, that’s what helped us run faster and jump higher though if we’re being honest here, I could never run very fast or jump very high.

Then there were Red Ball Jets, and Keds, and then of course the old standard, your basic Chuck Taylors, the Converse All Star high tops.

These were what we called sneakers before the age of Nike, Adidas, Reebok and Air Jordans, and they didn’t cost as much as most places charge for rent either. Coolness of shoe was judged by a little rubber logo smaller than a postage stamp glued to the heel of your shoe. There were no pumps back then, no gel in the soles, no zippers, or aerodynamic design, though I still have trouble seeing how an aerodynamically designed shoe could make it possible for me to slam dunk.

Give me my Chuck Taylors and a stepladder and I’ll show you a thunder dunk to beat all thunder dunks.

I bet half the people in America under the age of forty have no idea what a thunder dunk is either, and Daryl Dawkins didn’t come around until I was in college. Daryl Dawkins, a high school prep star who made the jump to the NBA straight from third period Geography when Kobe and KG were still in diapers and LeBron was just a sparkle in his momma’s eyes, invented the thunder dunk. He was also the first to render a glass backboard to pebbles too.

If Dr. J was the heart of the dunk, then Daryl Dawkins was the soul.

Knowing stuff.

It’s important to guys like me.

You see, I knew all that stuff and I didn’t once have to bring up Google or any other of the dozens of search engines out there that dummy down the mind and makes a good trivia question obsolete.

I like to know stuff.

Not your basic survive in society stuff either.

I can’t balance a checkbook. I have no idea or care to know how to apply for a mortgage loan. I can’t drop an engine or read blueprints. I don’t care how computers work. When I turn on a light switch I expect light. When I turn on the shower I expect hot water. When I turn on my computer I expect to be online. I don’t care how I get there just as long as I get there.

These are the basic assumptions of life for a Common Man.

But…

I can tell you who won the 1965 Cy Young award, his won/loss record and earned run average. I know that the library on the campus of Indiana University is sinking at a rate of up to one inch per year because when the rocket scientists who think up things like strength of foundation did not factor into their calculations the actual weight of the building when filled with books and stuff. The same thing is happening to the campus library at MIT. I know when a cockroach loses its head it will take up to three weeks to finally die… from starvation no less because it no longer has the capacity to consume food.

I know that there are more plastic flamingoes in the United States than real ones. I know math too: 111,111,111 X 111,111,111 equals 12,345,678,987,654,321.

But I still can’t balance a checkbook.

It comes as a matter of pride that I know stuff.

Useless stuff.

For instance, I know how many grooves there are in a long-playing record: one. I know what a long-playing record is, too. I know that bank tellers lose an average of $250 a year, every person has a unique tongue print, your right lung has more air capacity than your left, and that Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

Bobby Jones said the game of golf is played on a surface six inches in width – the space between your ears. I know who Bobby Jones is and I know what he means by the space between my ears, earwax and all, and I didn’t have to Google that either.

I consider “Googling” an insult to my basic ability to know stuff.

I call this stuff Administrivia: totally useless knowledge.

Somebody has to know this stuff. It might as well be me.

When you get to be my age, can no longer touch your toes and have long ago blown out your PF Flyers, knowing stuff is about all we have left.

Oh yeah, Sandy Koufax, Los Angeles Dodgers, 26-8, 2.04 ERA, 386 strike outs and a couple no-hitters thrown in for good measure. In case you’re wondering, that’s the 1965 Cy Young award winner, and back then they only gave one award to cover both leagues.

Knowing stuff.

It’s what I do.

So tell me some things y'all know.