Yes Officer I Did It On Purpose.....  |
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 Last night my internet was acting up.
So I decided to rearrange the living room and bedroom furniture.
I had a plan honest I did, but it kinda went walk about after a few too many homemade sangria's. My son and I had been playing "I'm a better bartender than you" in the kitchen and we got rather carried away.
The soon to be ex had left for a night run (fuel driving) and we were celebrating 12 whole hours of freedom. At about 11pm the power went out due to a huge storm happening to the north of us.
Have you ever tried to navigate around misplaced furniture in the dark with enough alcohol in your system to fell a horse? Funny, painful on the shins, and totally not recommended.
We finally negotiated our way out of the living room and proceeded to wreck bad placement havoc on the master bedroom. By the light of a few candles it actually looked rather romatic in it's new configuration. The bed was on the other side of the room framed by the silk curtains and the slipper chair was in the corner next to the wardrobe where I'd always wanted it. It was rather a tight space between the foot of the bed and the end wall, but I liked it.
Well the soon to be ex came home earlier than expected. I had fallen asleep on the couch and didn't hear him come in. Well I didn't hear him at first.
I don't like the 'f' word and hardly ever use it, so it came as shock to spring awake with it being bellowed throughout the house. I closed my mouth and listened and realized it wasn't me or my son. I picked up a pewter candle stick and snuck down the hallway. The bedroom door was open and a lump of what I took to be a person huddled on the floor moaning and swearing. My son appeared with a flashlight and the first thing I saw was blood on my bed cover and the footboard of the bed.
Further investigation showed a gash in the soon to be ex's forehead. Ouch! and a big Ooops from me! With no power, he'd walked into the room and thrown himself across what he thought was the centre of the bed in his exhaustion and desire to just fall asleep. With the bed moved, he connected instead head first on the edge of the footboard and smacked himself silly and bloody.
When he was able to stand and work his way to the kitchen for cold water, ice and a cloth, my son retreated to his own room and closed the door and I began to casually move the living room furniture back to it's original places. Finally the soon to be ex says, "Forget the furniture, it's too late, I'm calling the cops, I think you're trying to kill me, sh*t my head hurts, I'll probably need stitches, where's the aspirin, do we get 911 up here, WHERE THE H*LL IS MY CELL PHONE!"
It was a long night. The cops showed up, listened to our stories and tried to convince my soon to be ex that it was an accident, he didn't need stitches, and to calm down and just go to bed.
One of the officers took me aside and asked me if I was ok. Rumours had spread about the problems between me and the hubs and he was concerned. I reassured him that I was fine, but, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, "yes Officer, I did it on purpose".
He cautioned me then to behave myself, but what a hoot it would be to have a domestic case he could honestly file under "Death by Furniture Displacement".
It's a good thing I know his mother very well, or my sense of humor could have landed me in the local klink for the night! LOL
After they left the soon to be ex inverted the bedroom door knob so the lock entry was on the outside instead of the inside, and went to bed after a lot of heaving and crashing the furniture back into it's original position. Before he left today, he locked the bedroom door from the outside, pocketed the key and went off to work.
D*mn, some people just love to spoil your fun, don't they?
My questions is......anyone here wear size small ladies Fruit of the Looms? I can't get at my underwear now!*pout**sigh**sob
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1.  Trace86 (3407) | 2 years ago |  That is an awesome story and a great hoot. Can you get a butter or steak knife from the kitchen to pop the bedroom door lock? Or, just kick it in, that's what he would do.
Isn't it great when you accidentally get even with someone?
So, after his is really the ex instead of soon to be, who gets the abode?
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 sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Custody of the abode is under negotiation, so the less damage I'M responsible for the better chance I have. I'll leave the jimmying of the locks and such to him.
And honestly, I wasn't trying to get even with him for anything - it was the sangria, really, it was the sangria! LOL | |
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2.  Tallymommy (1907) | 2 years ago |  Good lord he sounds like a drama king! Try water in a bucket on top of the door next time, lol!
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | But I wasn't trying to hurt him! LOL Really. I wasn't.
Tally my friend, what happened to your star? Good heavens what a horrible shade of blue! Who's 'furniture' have YOU been messing with? LOL | |
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| Tallymommy (1907) | 2 years ago | I had some crazy chick in a bikini following me around for a while, who knows? I feel sorry for them, I like this shade of blue!! LOL!! | |
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Well as long as you like it, then I won't complain. But I have to wonder - what happens when you've lost so many points there's none left? Does your star disappear too? And how would you get it back?
Oh dear, I"m really upset now. I need to go move furniture around and work up a sweat for some sangria ...........................lol | |
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| Tallymommy (1907) | 2 years ago | I'd love to come have a drink with you, how about a long island? | |
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Good Lord woman, you believe in having your coctails all in one glass don't you? LOL
Ok. It's a date. I've the vodka, rum and tequila. You bring the gin and the Coca-cola and we'll REALLY rearrange the furniture! ROFL | |
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| Trace86 (3407) | 2 years ago | Can I come too? I will bring the stuff to make chocolate martinis, once I find out what I need.
I am very good at rearranging furniture. My sister enlists my muscles every time I go to her house. I remember measuring my room and my furniture in high school to rearrange my bedroom. | |
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Hey Trace, come on down! The more the merrier for sure, for sure! LOL And yes, younger muscles always welcome, nudge, nudge, wink, wink! ROFL | |
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3.  clemorswhomp (460) | 2 years ago |  HHmmmmmm! sounds to me like you could be getting close to being the lead character in your own very episode of forensic files.
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Good thought. I should start keeping notes for a series of screenplays.
But first I have to buy tight fitting rubber gloves! LOL | |
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| 4. mrsfrodotata (1394) | 2 years ago |  OMG OMG OMG OMG, ROFLMAO!!!
Now that I have collected myself I can type. I have tears in my eyes I am laughing so hard.
'Death by furniture displacement' That is the best thing I have ever heard by far. I must say at least you got to get your fun in for the night. I would jimmy the lock. No man is going to lock me out of my own bedroom. You gotta stop letting him push you around. Soon to be ex or not. Take a stand and tell him you ain't some random B word that he can treat like 5hit. Where did you sleep!
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Have you stopped laughing yet? LOL
And I won't be jimmying any locks. Not worth it. I sleep on my big comfy couch because there are no ice cold feet in my back pushing me off. Who needs that?
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| mrsfrodotata (1394) | 2 years ago | Push him off. Hes half way out the door anyways. No just kidding. I see where your coming from. I am definitly not as strong as you cause I would have went nuts on his butt by now. Or shoved some nuts( in shell) up his butt!!! LOL I still laugh when I read it. Which I do each time I get back on here. Come on now. Death by furniture Displacement. | |
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | LOl - 'nuts in the shell up his butt'! You wickedly lovely woman! | |
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | LOL - you're best is very good indeed!
Tonight he plugged up the toilet and I had to borrow a plunger from a neighbour to fix it. I'm thinking that those 'nuts up his butt' wasn't a dream last night after all? ROFL | |
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| mrsfrodotata (1394) | 2 years ago | Eeeeewwwwwww That is so gross I would have plunged his face when I got done, now that would have made me feel better. LOL, That is so funny. I am so gratful that I don't have to put up with crap like that. I guess it just makes me realize more and more how lucky I am. I have got a really great guy.
You know you put a smile on my face everytime I get a comment or a response and it is awesome to know that people like you are in this world. I just really want you to know that. Forgive me but I don't have to many friends so its kinda cool to have someone to make me laugh everyday. I am really glad I met you on here. We will have to have some drinks over the internet to celebrate the finalization of your divorce from satans son. LOL I don't know how but I am sure that we could make a party of it or something. I'll bring the cheesecake and the ice cream plus some tequila well I guess whatever I want for the event and you bring what you want and we will post a party type discussion and well party! ROFL | |
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| 5. Angelwhispers (4595) | 2 years ago |  Sparks, I am not sure if I should stop laughing now or cry for you. Oh my gosh how hysterical. Sparks I honestly admire you so very much for keeping a sense of humor through all of this. He did not really call the police did he? Oh man I can not believe the stupidity that men show when going through a divorce or break up like this.
I might have a pair of Victoria Secrets that might do ya:))) Told ya to leave the sangria to me:))
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Yeah he called the cops (idiot!), VS undies, overnight express please, and the sangria thing was all your fault anyway! LOL You gave me the idea. Too funny.
Angel, if I didn't have, or couldn't keep, my sense of humor which goes a long way to maintaining my patience, I'd be a basket case and he'd have won. Can't have THAT can we? | |
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| Angelwhispers (4595) | 2 years ago | "Go pawn some of his stuff and buy new underwear!" Rotflmao what a grand IDEA! Love it love it love it:))) | |
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | What a grand idea indeed! LOL
Too bad there's no pawn shops handy and I've no wheels to get to any.
And yes he called the cops. Too funny. You should have seen the looks on their faces when they heard what had happened. Country cops are really not very good at hiding their reactions to things! One poor cop laughed so hard he fell against his cruiser's door panel and left a dent! That set the soon to be hubs off yelling that HE'D probably have to pay for it to get fixed, and it was all my fault, blah, blah, blah. And there's little me, just smiling and looking innocent and helping the poor young cop up off the ground. You know, I'm beginning to see why I frustrate the soon to be ex................LOL | |
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7.  AnnieOakley1 (1685) | 2 years ago |  Yes, I am still laughting my a$$ off. I can't stop. roflmao.
He actually called the cops?!!!
Blood?.... sorry, can barely type, still have tears in my eyes, laughing so hard. Can't stop.
Should have brought him to the 420 celebration yesterday downtown. Mellow him out.
Did you tell him you are somewhat obsessed with rearranging furniture. It is sort of a hobby of yours anyway. The fact that you did it at home, whilst playing "I'm a better bartended than you" is just so much funnier. Then, the power outage.
lmao. sorry, still laughing.
Gotta try to collect myself. It's hard.
Wait 'till I tell the SO() when he gets home from work tonight. He will also lmao.
JUST TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!! PRICELESS!!
Where are the pictures? I want pictures!!
YEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWW!
Maybe a hairpin will work on the door and he will be none the wiser? Eh?
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Hey Annie, yeah it happened and yeah he called the cops. I WISH we'd had some mellowing agent for him! LOL
YOu'll be getting the storm soon that swept through here, so get out your flashlights.
And he knew about my obsession for rearranging furniture. It had just been a few weeks since the last time and I guess he forgot about it! ROFL Silly man! | |
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| 8. snapple (10) | 2 years ago |  Hmmm death by furniture the corner would have loved that one. LOL!!! I think if you pick the lock move the furniture and take the light bulb out and replace it with a burnt out one and then relock the door. That would be a blast. Make sure it would be sharp and pointy this time. LOL!!!!
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Oh my you have a devious mind! LOL Then when the cops came my saying "Yes Officer, I did it on purpose" would be the truth and I'd end up in jail! Can't have that. No more opportunities for fun if I'm locked up! ROFL
Welcome to mylot snapple. Glad to see your first post was in the humor section! LOL | |
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| 9. Anhedonia (1776) | 2 years ago |  Death by misadventure, or negligent homicide lol. I think I'd just kick him out, but I can see you had fun with it, haha!
I'm afraid of lit candles when someone's inebriated, but of course that was always when I usually did light them because of the clouded judgement.
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Candles and wine have been a pairing for centuries! LOL
I keep mine lit behind hurricane glass covers, so no worries. I would have made a great pioneer! ROFL | |
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| 10. novataylor (2144) | 2 years ago |  Sparky, I'm so sorry that I just now saw this. My god! What a story! I LOVE that he hurt himself, I absolutely LOVE it!!@!!~! (that's emphasis) Bas tard! And what a tiny little girl he is, calling the cops, for godsake! What a baby! But I'm sort of glad he did. Now they can see for themselves what kind of jerk he is, if they haven't already, and they have a better idea of what you're dealing with out there. He took the key for the bedroom....SOFUCKHIM!, Spark. I don't know how you could stand to be in the same bed with him anyway. Ya know, I do believe it might have been a bit of rare, but delightful, instant karma there, Spark - his getting whacked in the head and bleeding. Serves him SO right! But I think you're gonna be going commando for a while, darlin. No fruit of the looms for you. That's ok, the weather's getting warmer, and you can put on extra other stuff, I guess, if you need to. But he's not going to break you, nope, not on your life. That's what he wants, but he's going to be sorely disappointed. You're stronger than he'll ever know, and you're way more woman than he is man. He's nothing, he's roach spit, he's vermin droppings. You, on the other hand, are a queen among women and I say BRAVA darling, for your sangria inspired, farcical, and hugely funny bit of revenge that was exacted upon him. Maybe he'll develop a serious blood clot or an aneurism or something from it. We can only hope.
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Well I didn't set out to hurt the guy! LOL But even the cops found the whole thing hysterical when they heard my side of it! LOL
The storms and winds we've been having these last three days might just blow him off the road tonight like they nearly did last night. That would solve a lot of probs, except that then I'd definitely have to jimmy the bedroom door lock to get at my undies. Can't be identifying a body 'commando style' can I? After all I've got class! ROFL
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| novataylor (2144) | 2 years ago | Class is one thing you most certainly do have, Spark. And I do know that you didn't set out to hurt him. But, come one, didn't it cross your mind even once, after the lights went out, that something like that might happen? If it did, then good for you. And if it didn't, then keep it in mind and do it again. And as for the wind blowing him off the road, BLOW, WINDS,BLOW,LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BLOWN BEFORE! Boy, good thing I'm not up there. I want to kick his sorry behind so hard, he'll wind up smack in the middle of next week. We are gonna have some amazing party when he's gone, babe. Talk about cause for celebration! But for now, we'll take a deep breath and continue, because that's what we, as real women, do. | |
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| bellaofchaos (3116) | 2 years ago |  You know Nova my dear I think if we went up for a visit and while he was out rearranged all the furniture and put a little crisco on the tile or wood floor depending on what they have and then give him a little kick we might be able to get straight into He!! what do you think? It's a mission that I'm willing to help on what about you? Giggle giggle giggle.
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| sparkofinsanity (3542) | 2 years ago | Nova, Bella, you are both welcome anytime. We could have a right old party moving furniture, and this time Angel's sangria's all around! LOL
You two realize that before you are done, my dark side is going to rule my lighter side, hmmmmmmmm? LOL
Nove, the gods have heard you, the wind still blows! | |
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| bellaofchaos (3116) | 2 years ago | Don't worry I have experience in bring people back to the light side after they have gone all the way into the dark side. LOL!!!! | |
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