A Tale of Traveling in Modern Day Mid-America  

-DAY ONE-
At about 3:30 pm CST, Tuesday April 29th, Ozone hits the highway in Olney. After about an hour standing there, one of his friends sees him and gives him a ride to Noble IL (8 miles). Stood at Noble for about 15 minutes and was picked up by a woman (who shouldn't be picking up hitchhikers; she has one arm in a sling with a torn rotator cuff) who took me 13 miles down the road to Flora Il. After about 45 minutes standing there, we arrive at the first Police Incident. A Clay County Sherriff Deputy pulls over to run me for warrants and such, and then informs me it is illegal to hitchhike. (Oh, really?) So he puts me in the squad car and takes me to the county line (about 5 miles)with a stern warning not to be seen hitchhiking in his county again. So there I am, at the county line; BFE basically. So I start walking. About 2-3 miles down the road, I finally get a ride to Salem IL (21 miles farther). This is where I plan to get on the Interstate; unfortunately, it is now dark. After trying in vain to get a ride for 2 1/2 hours, at 10:30 pm I call it a night. Luckily, my step-son Joe lives in Salem, and was pleased as hell for Daddoo to show up. We smoked and talked 'til about 2 am and then I crashed on his couch.

-DAY TWO-
Awakened at 10:30 am Wednesday the 30th. My stepson insisted I stay for breakfast, and I LOVE food, so...got on the Interstate (57 South) at about 12:30 pm CST. Wasn't maybe 15 minutes a van stopped; some dude on his way to Arkansas. He was able to take me the 20-odd miles to my next highway interchange which would be Interstate 64 West. After being dropped off, I started walking (again; this will become standard practice as the narrative continues). After walking a couple miles, I was picked up by a guy heading for St. Louis. YES!!! So I arrived in St. Louis at about 3:30. So the first 140 miles took 24 hours; but I'm not worried. I KNOW things are gonna start moving now. And they did; right on past me. I was dropped in downtown St. Louis as rush hour(s) was beginning. From the 249 mile marker on Interstate 70 West I begin thumbing. No one pulls over. After about 45 minutes, I start walking. The next 4 hours would consist of walk a mile, stand for awhile, then walk again. I covered the next 9 miles in this fashion (all on foot) to arrive at the 240 mile marker near Pine Bluff MO which brings the second Police Incident. A few minutes before 8 pm, a Police van pulls up about 30 ft up the road from me. Being wise to all things police related, I already had my ID in hand as I approached. This was one cool cop, really. After a 2 second glance at my ID, he hands it back, says he isn't gonna run it but they had had several calls reporting a pedestrian on the roadway and he was checking to see if I needed help. I explained what I was attempting, and he wished me luck, shook my hand and let me go about my business. About 1/2 mile later I got a ride; short one, maybe 20 miles, but I was ready for it. After being dropped, I once again began hoofing. After a couple miles, I got another ride by someone who said they would take me up a few exits to where I'd have a better chance of getting a ride (it was by now dark and he almost didn't see me). This was not the blessing it appeared to be; the exit he dropped me at had no safe room on the shoulder for a car to pull over. TIME TO START WALKING AGAIN. I walked until about 12:30 before giving up for the night and curling up in the tree line along the Interstate at about mile 211 on 70 West.

-DAY THREE-
"Up with the sun, gone with the wind..."
Thursday May 1st, 6:25 am CST. Awaken to the same sound I fell asleep to; vehicles speeding down the Interstate. Get on the road and start walking, always hoping the next exit will be a better place for a ride. After about 4 miles I get a ride; only 5-6 miles, but that first ride of the day is always the most welcome. Dropped off near Hannibal MO turnoff. Start walking; and waiting. Isn't much longer 'til a car pulls over; a guy going to Kansas City Kansas. My longest ride yet; about 210 miles total. I'm thinking this is going to be a good day. Get dropped on the Interstate in Kansas about 1 pm CST. Let's walk awhile shall we? But not too far; here comes Police Incident #3. A Kansas State Trooper pulls up to inform me hitchhiking on the Interstate in Kansas is illegal (DUH!) and then informs me he'll take me to the next exit, but if I am caught back on the Interstate I will be taken in. So now I'm stuck on the ramps. After about an hour I'm picked up by a chick who says she'll take me to a better ramp. (I've heard this before and should know better). So at 3:30 pm I'm standing on a ramp near the Kansas Speedway. At 6:30 pm I'm still standing there. About 7:00 it starts to rain; this actually gets me a ride to Junction City Kansas. By the time I get there, it's 8:30 and the sun is going down, but I'm next to a truck stop, so....4 hours later, I'm still there and it starts to rain again, so under the overpass I go for shelter and to sleep. At this point I have covered 500 of the 2000 miles of my trip.

-DAY FOUR-
Friday morning, May 2nd. Was windy as hell last night; the cold woke me several times. I woke up at about 6:30 and couldn't shop shaking for 5 minutes as my body tried to warm back up. We're talking the full fledged type, where you look like you're having some kind of fit. Time for a serious reality check. It's still 1500 miles to Tahoe and I have less than two days to get there. Considering it has taken me over 2 days to get where I am, I am forced to come to the decision to turn back in defeat. And so I begin my homeward trek. I get picked up a few hours after I start thumbing. Due to Interstate restrictions, I decide to go out of my way and travel on 2 lane highways that I am allowed to hitch on. This means a longer distance and slower travel speeds, but offers more chances to get rides than standing on the ramps. I cover the distance from Junction City Kansas to Atchison on the Kansas/Missouri border. Which brings Police Incident #4. After standing along the road and fighting the wind to fold my map, a police officer pulls over to tell me he saw me stashing my sign, to which I reply with a dumbfounded "Huh?" After finally showing him my map (not a sign) he tells me I can't hitchhike in the city limits, but if I keep heading in the direction I'm going in about 3 miles I'll be clear (he COULD have given me a ride). So...walk some more. Cross the border (GOODBYE KANSAS!!!!) into Missouri. Four more rides (including 1 guy who bought me lunch and a pack of smokes and one guy who got me SERIOUSLY stoned) brings me to Boonville Missouri. Here we go walking again, and we will get no further rides this night. 12 miles of walking (including a night-time walk across the Missouri river bridge with nothing but two lanes of trucks flying past at 70 miles per hour on my left, a concrete retaining wall on my right, and only 3 feet between the two to walk on; scary stuff) brings us close to Columbia MO where we once again climb the hillside to sleep in the trees.

-DAY FIVE-
Saturday May 3rd. Up at about 6:30 as a light mist begins. Cloudy and chilly again. Smoke a cigarette and stumble down to the highway. Begin walking. About a mile up the road stopped by Missouri Highway Patrol (Police Incident #5). They're good guys, make sure I'm not wanted or in need of assistance and we part ways. About another mile or so and my first ride; 3 guys heading to some drag races in Illinois!! Good Deal! Hell, that'll put me in Illinois by noon and probably home by 6 or 7. And there's BEER!! Hell, these guys were without a doubt my favorite ride. Good people, good LOUD rock 'n' roll playing, beer flowing freely-they even had one of their buddies snap pictures of the four of us together, arms around each others shoulders and stuff and halfway lit at one of the piss stops we made (it was a three car convoy). Definitly made the whole trip FINALLY seem worth it. So about 15 after noon I'm back on the highway feeling pretty good until-POLICE INCIDENT #6. I know I'm about to get lectured for being on the Interstate; what I didn't know was that this time it would come back with a warrant out for me and I'm to be considered "Armed and Dangerous". Talk about a total freakout. This cop was all cool as he went to his car to run my ID; he came back with this weird look and his hand hovering near his gun as he asked if I was carrying any weapons. I told him a pocket knife and pulled my shirt up to show; he shouts "Don't move!" and quickly snatches my knife. WTF!!!?? Turns out the warrant is strictly local; I don't have anything to worry about, I just owe $63 dollars on a fine back home and he's not arresting me, but the "Armed & Dangerous" code has BOTH of us freaked out. So once again I'm "escorted" to the next entrance ramp with a warning that I WILL be arrested if they find me on the Interstate again. So much for a quick trip home. (And he kept my knife!) I do manage 3 more rides before it becomes too dark to travel again and finally curl up next to the road about 70 miles from home (Vandalia IL). At least I know this will be the last night out here for sure.

-DAY SIX-
8:00 am CST May 4th, Vandalia IL. Slept late today; woke up to sunshine and warmer temperatures than the last couple days. So; on the ramp, thumb up. Ramp travel is SLOW!! About 2 hours later, I get a ride about 10 miles to the St. Elmo exit. More sit and wait time. About 3 hours later, I get a lift to Greenup IL and the exit to Olney. It's now only 36 miles home, and I give up hitchhiking to make a phone call to a friend to PLEASE COME RESCUE ME!!! I've walked unknown miles over the last five days, I have had enough. At 3:30 pm, 120 hours after my trip began, I climb into my friends van for the final leg home. So ends the hitchhike of Ozone, who is a little worse for wear and tear, but now knows this much-NEXT TIME TAKE A BUS!!!!