 Lost in the Forest: An Autobiographical Profile on Executive Dysfunction
For me, productivity is often a miracle of chance and circumstance. I do not consider myself lazy or stupid. No, I do in fact have great ambition and only do occasionally confess how high, as I well know how unappealing unbridled graniosity can be. Oh, I do have big dreams. When I grow up, I intend to achieve great and marvelous things. Yessirreee, when that day comes, I'm going to go out on my own, stake my claim, forge new paths and put my stamp on everything I see. Yep, surely when I "find myself", I'll do just that. Just you wait. I'll show all you "responsible adults" that I can do it!
I'm going to take the world by storm. I'm going to dazzle society with innovative ideas and thinking that is so far outside of the box that you might think Fido had torn open said box, taken out my virtual ingenuity, and had a good tug-of-war and imaginary game of chase with it. Oh, well, yeah - I'm...I'm 36, b-but...but let's not dwell on semantics. Yeah - I'm very good at the small details. And, I'm not short on wants and confidence for that things that are just half a nanometer beyond realistic. I have had many "starts", good ideas, innovations and compositions.
But what remains ever elusive is that innate ability to process and negotiate the relationship between the details (the proverbial "trees") and their service to and function within the goal - the "forest". A personality that is more Type A than mine, one that is not as aversive to (read: afraid of) risk, may nonetheless act on impulse. However, as an intelligent person, I have learned. And one thing that I have learned is fear. As a result, whatever impulsive nature I may have or have had, has and is tempered to a habit of self-restraint that looks an awful lot like idleness.
It is*not* idleness. It is*paralysis*!
As I declared above, it is not laziness. It is, in fact, fear. It's an acquired "anti-intuition" whereby it is literally second-nature for me to censor my thoughts, and hence my actions before they are ever even born - literally paralyzing me with indecision. Yes, literally.
Once, as a kid, I was in my back yard playing "jarts" (you might know this game as lawn darts). You know the game I'm talkin' about. The idea is to place two rings of maybe a foot to 15 inches in diameter approximately 30 feet away from each other and play in teams, or 1:1. Your object is to launch these "jarts" into the air and have them land in, or as close to the "ring" as you can - preferably closer than your opponent has done.
I was playing such a game, having teamed up with my youngest brother against my father and our other brother. Well, it was middle child's turn. He is often (yes, even now as an adult) in a facetious and mischievous mood. It is hard to tell when he is "serious", or getting ready to instigate some hijinks.
So, he had launched his lawn dart. Let's just say that it's path was not exactly...um, arum...
competitive! In fact, at about the halfway point, I realized that his possible points by the jart's proximity to the ring should probably not be my focus. It was heading for me. I knew this. I knew and I saw that it was coming at me and that I should, oh maybe, MOVE.
The lawn dart hit me, bouncing off of my right face having missed eyes, ears, nose and mouth my mere inches. Why had I not gotten out of the way? I could not decide WHICH way to move! That's not laziness, folks. THAT'S confusion. THAT'S fear. THAT'S indecision.
That's Executive Dysfunction. What else is Executive Dysfunction? It is starting an article on a topic and heading off on a tangent with the intention of demonstrating a key point, and having said tangent take over. It's nonetheless deciding not to edit it out, as it is a perfect meta-example of having Executive Dysfunction effect how one describes, or more aptly put,*demonstrates* its pervasive effects on concentration, attention, decision-making, fluidity of thought and action, and the synthesis of incoming information and resulting operant functioning. It is also learning the helplessness that comes from not seeing what effect your actions are going to have. Sometimes it's awfully hard to keep chugging if you don't have the slightest clue when the race (task will be finished, or how in the world to even begin gauging this. In other words - it's not know when or IF you will reap ANY rewards for hard work.
Alas, my opening claim that productivity is often a miraculous moment - that elusive meeting of potential and reality. But, why does this happen? Why is it so profound and living hell of a problem as to stymie a very intelligent and talented individual often to the appearance of mid-thirties adolescence?
It is, in fact, for lack of a plan. More specifically, it is lacking, constitutionally and biologically/neurologically, the ability to plan and organize ones thoughts -***ESPECIALLY*** is real time!!! - to execute a plan of action and get something done, even if that something is deciding on and performing a series of physical movements to protect one's own physical safety.
It is a clinically significant personification of that maxim "failing to plan is planning to fail".
Indeed.
Oh, I do have faith. It is, however, intermittent. And very, very guarded. That's the insidious madness of the thing. It is a life of drudgery and haze peppered with moments of great insight and anticipation - just enough of those moments to make it extremely difficult and laborious to decide one's "score", that is, whether "winning" can possibly be achieved - that winning being any and all of a human being's goals - graduating college, getting married, asking for that promotion, applying for that job, getting that car cleaned out and inspected, paying that parking ticket, making that doctor's appointment, or getting the hell out of bed in the morning.
It is likewise a sickeningly maddening irony that it alas hampers and hinders the very tenacity and grit that is such an absolute must - that it so undermines, and makes so very damned hard to muster day in and day out, the very determination that is so, SO vitally necessary.
It is an ebbing and flowing and has, in fact, a pretty short attention span. In many ways, it does resemble AD(H)D or Attention Deficit (Hyperactivity) Disorder. But, it is very important to draw a distinction between the two, as the emotional and motivational consequences of Executive Dysfunction are indeed chiefly attributable to the difference.
For me, where the differ is the internalization of the suppression of impulse. Yes, a very adaptive defense mechanism in many situations (yeah - like Sunday School - or boot camp!). But, carried too far and too wide, it is almost more disabling than the lack of attention and concentration that so marks both syndromes. Where impulse gets many "ADD'ers" into trouble, mine and others' executive dysfunction and its palpable handcuffing of initiative has consequences just as dire.
Of course there is hope. Once in awhile, good stuff can happen - even the writing of an article! But, that hope is fed by very hard emotional work, extremely risky (and intermittent) faith, and patience. It does occasionally reap rewards, this hope - and so madness and miracle continue their dance.
Their dance does indeed go on - somewhere deep, deep in the forest.
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