What Are Your "Eight Simple Rules" To Prevent Cooking Disasters?  

I learned how to cook almost before I learned how to ride a tricycle, and most folks who know of my adventures in the kitchen also know that I blew up the kitchen (Along with my younger brother) at my first attempt to use something called a "Gas Oven"...

Over the years, I have come to a point of "Graceful Refinement" in my cooking techniques, recipes and presentations, and stuff like that... And I have also learned to keep kitchen disasters at bay with a modicum of prefunctory rules such as follows:

1. Never, ever think that polenta, grits or oatmeal are not dangerously explosive substances, these bubbling, volcanic masses should never be cooked when you are in the nude.

2. Fire, Cornish Gamehens, Distractingly Good Sex and a few drinks of Southern Comfort- Can suddenly conspire to instantly burn up your kitchen, and cause a raise in your insurance rates.

3. Certain high protein fibered foods like Conch, Shark, Calamari, Rabbit and the like are meant to be gently "Kissed" by flames, and not "Cooked" in the classic sense, unless you are trying make building materials.

4. A Microwave oven (It was invented by Aliens, by the way) is just another way of saying that you actually HATE food.

5. Never, ever attempt to cook a gourmet meal for those little folks that people call "kids ", if you truly value your sanity.

6. Any pet that apparently has been graced with a cast iron stomach, and the digestive abilities of The Blob, can become a loyal buddy when you accidently substitute salt, for sugar while attempting to make something called "Cupcakes".

7. Trying to remove the smell of 6 lbs of burnt macaroni from your home in less that 90 days is absolutely impossible. Just simply pack your things and move.

8. Be sure to gather up all of your Julia Child cookbooks and video tapes, and take them to your local Kitchen Witch Doctor to be "De-MoJo'ed". I loved that old gal, but she could be a real klutz at times, and she might have left some clumsy residue behind when she left for the Spirit World! :)

So my fellow foodies, and kitchen Gods and Goddesses, what are your eight somple rule for kitchen safety and excellence?

Tip:

Doesn't have to be eight rules, it could be more or less! I want everyone to have fun today! :)

Some laughs to get you started! :)

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