A shining star of hope, the first Christmas without Mom  

Hi Gert: I'm sitting here reading your email and tears are running down my face. I do not have children, so like you, my house is completely bare of decorations. The only thing I did is put some candles in the windows for my neighbors (which are all very into the decorating). You are right, it is nice to share your troubled heart with someone who feels the same.

I love Xmas too, but this year is different. Last year was when she got sick. On Xmas Eve last year she was already in the hospital and they found a clot in her lung and leg. My husband and visited her on Xmas Eve and it was so sad, I can still she the look of fear on her face. They treated the clots and she was fine, came home from the hospital and was doing really good. She was diagnosed with COPD so she was on oxygen at night. About mid-January she wound up back in the hospital due to low oxygen levels, they got her back on track and moved her to a rehabilitation hospital. She was due to come home around 2/2. On January 30th, we got a call that she had a bad night and was being sent to the emergency room. By the time we got there, she was already gone. So noone from the family, including my Dad was with her. That absolutey kills me to think she died alone in an ambulance. That was a Wednesday that previous Sunday I was with her at the rehab hospital watching Titanic together. She looked at me that night and said I just want to go home. I have often wondered now if she was referring to my parents home or "heaven". My Dad thinks she meant heaven, what do you think?

And another reason to not be in the xmas spirit was also on Xmas Eve last year, my Dad's brother had been sick (he was 83) and we got the call that he probably wouldn't make it through the night, he died xmas morning. The hope in this, he was a Catholic priest (Father Tom McCarthy). If that's not a direct ticket to heaven, I don't what would be.

Hi gerty and tmelzard,
My dad passed away May 13, 1999 and I miss him every single day. He loved the holiness of Christmas and singing old time Christmas carols. He was raised in the Salvation Army church and played tuba in their band and sang in their choir. He taught me the song, "The Tennessee Waltz", when I was 2 years old. I told my mom that when I grew up I was going to marry my daddy. She asked me what about her, and I said that she could stay but I would be married to him. Not long after he died, I had a "dream" that I went to talk to him like I always did sitting in the chair beside his bed. We talked for a long time and when I went to leave he started to come with me, but when we walked out of the bedroom it turned into the morgue and a guard there said he could not leave with me. He had to stay there. I was already out the door and I couldn't even look back. I think God let me have that time with him because I needed to talk to him. He had been in hospice care for only two days and went quickly. I needed to talk to him. I don't think it gets any better, especially on holidays. I have no children either. My first was stillborn and I had two tubal pregnancies. I feel the same about losing my babies too. The feeling of loss never changes, you just learn to live with it because what choice do we have? I know I will see him again one day in the perfection of Paradise. I lost my only sibling, my older sister in 1995. I really wasn't ready for that. We were supposed to grow old together. My mom now lives with me and my husband, moving in with us from the house next door where I grew up, after daddy died. She is 82, has COPD and several other health issues, but I hope to have her around as long as possible. My husband is disabled with uncontrollable diabetes and the complications that come with it and even though he is five years younger than me I don't know how long I'll have him. He and my mom along with our pets, seven dogs and eight cats keep me going. Thank God for them all.
Good luck to you. It may get easier as the years pass to live with your loss, but like I said, the feeling really never changes. The hurt and feeling of loss will never change. Merry next Christmas to you and God Bless you.
Carol