On The First Day Of Christmas, My True Love Sent To Me .  

Found this amongst all my junk...

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas..if ya dare

14th December

Dearest Darling G,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the
lovely thought.

With deep affection,
Your ever loving
P

--------------------------

15th December

My Dearest Darling G,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I'm
delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,
P

------------------------

16th December

Dearest Darling G
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such
generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

Your loving,
P

-------------------------

17th December

Dear G,
What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman
this morning.

Your kindness really is too much.

Love
P

-------------------------

18th December

My Dear G
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.

Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love
P

-------------------------

19th December

Dear G
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody
great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you
think I can do with them all?
The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't
sleep because of the noise!

Please stop.

Cordially yours,
P

-------------------------

20th December

What is it with you and these bloody birds? Now I get seven swans a
swanning about the place! Is this some sort of goddamned joke?
The house is full of bird sh*t, and the racket!!! I am becoming a
Nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these flamin'
birds!!!
P

-------------------

21st December

OK buster, I think I prefer the birds.
What the h*ll am I going to do with eight maids a milking?
It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows cr*pping all
Over the house and mooing all night long.

SOD OFF !!!!!!!
P

-------------------------

22nd December

Look d*ckhead - what are you on ?? You're having a laugh.
Now I have Nine pipers playing sh*te music constantly!!! And Christ do
they play.... When they aren't playing their soddin' pipes, they keep
chasing the Maids through the cow sh*t.

The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the f*cking birds!!!
The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

P

-------------------------

23rd December

You are a f*cking barsteward!!!!
Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these
wh*res "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night
long!!!!!
The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of
sh*t and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human
habitation.

F*CK OFF AND DIE G, DO US ALL A FAVOUR!!!!!!!
P

-------------------------

24th December

Listen sh*t face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house,
sh*gging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.

The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting
to committing s*domy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting
having been trampled during the orgy.

I hope you're satisfied? You w*nker

Your sworn enemy,
P

-------------------------

25th December

You stinking lousy sh*t!!!! Twelve f*cking drummers, banging their
f*cking drums all day long!!!! They have teamed up with the pipers,
making one hell of a noise, both lots have been b*ggering the cows and
Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably
drowned in the cow sh*t by now. The only way I have to save myself from
getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the f*cking pear tree which
has been well fertilised by all this sh*t and has now grown through the
roof!!!!!

b*llocks to you,
P