|  i honestly believe that i don't think i can become a musician with all the discouragement i've been getting lately.
Jazz Band has been complete hell, and there's some evidence to prove that:
I had a test on Green Dolphin Street, no biggie, + improvisation. I prepared, spent an average of two hours working on this, for about oh I don't know, a week or two. And when it got time to step into the room where he held the test, apparently, I had practiced the whole timing wrong (Abersold play along goddamn), I started 6 times over, and I couldn't play it the way I wanted because he was just such an a s s, imposing the square page notation, which i had already memorized because of the many times i played it. He claims I didn't know the song enough to play it the way i wanted which was a jazzy in-time version, (excluding some nervous mistakes i made while doing it, he's a very intimidating person mind you). It was ridiculous, and I felt so inept, so stupid. My improvisational technique wasn't any better either. he stopped me in the middle of my solo, (i got lost in the chord changes apparently. i do that often when the tempo is fast and i lose track of where the chord progression is. you're soloing and thinking what notes would be good, while looking at the page, while tapping your foot to feel out "oh i change chords... now"). He stated plain and simple I was bullshitting my notes halfway through the chorus. It was true although i still tried making it sound good, however being the man he is, he was the last person i wanted to hear it from.
Oh and then of course you have the lead-alto player.
I don't mind people who are better than me, in fact, i look up to those people. what i despise however, is when I am overshadowed and my teacher does not throw compliments in my direction, slingshotted across to the lead alto player, who shall remain nameless. my teacher just dies over him, and it's quite annoying. i feel not important at all, being 2nd, i don't mind, as long as i get my time to shine, which in this case is non-existent. However i did learn i did keep the section balanced, after being absent from a rehearsal. although, thats beside the point, because no one ever looks at people in the sidelines. and because i did so horribly on my test on Green Dolphin Street, I don't want to be placed in anxiety and embarrassment again once i "attempt" to solo. I have a good plan in my mind of how i want it to sound. I haven't soloed in my high school band ever, more often in eighth grade. It's about time i do and i want the spotlight, (and no, that is not being selfish or obnoxious) however lately, being that my teacher is an a s s, i don't think soloing will give me anymore happiness than getting my head thrown in an oven. although, i do play for myself and only myself, so my teacher doesn't need to know that i do indeed practice an hour or two a night, or that i want to get into music in college. i don't care what he thinks anymore, but i do care that he understands where i'm going.
I am indeed taking private lessons, which is great because there's more individual focus. thats the only music class i look forward to. although, it isn't enough, even though i take them, i take one per month, which is bad, but i can't pay for more than one a month. i feel like my goals are even farther now because i feel like i don't have enough time before college to become better in my teacher's eyes. and since he's a high school director, he's nothing compared to college directors, or people with higher standards.
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