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myLot reputation of 76/100. headabnger2884 (205)   ranked 2,552 out of 6,402 in writing9 months ago

Just the first few paragraphs to my story for Creative writing...I dont have the tittle for it yet.... The story might go many different ways from here onwards im not sure

He tilted up his lips revealing gleaming white canines. He ran at me. You could hear a metallic rattle as he moved closer. I took two steps back. Just before he was about to reach me his neck was yanked and he stood up on his hind legs. Barking most viciously at me. As soon as his paws touched the ground he jumped up again as though trying to pick me out of the air.
Being a chain dog all his life he would have hardly known better then to attack any intruider. He looked sick and starved. I wounder does he feel abondoned, betrayed or does he know that his owner is most likelly not coming back.
A slick black Mercedes stood in the snowed up drive way of the seemingly abondoned mansion. Leaving long fresh tyre tracks behind it. Where the hell where Yuri's men? Im sure the dog has maide enough noise to bring my arrival to the attention of everyone. I ran up the driveway to the front of the mansion. The door was open, with a gentle pull i let it open uo in front of me. I slovly creeped in to the door with my gun in my right hand guiding my way. There was not a person in sight my hope was dwindling. I walked through the main corridor past an empty living room on my right. Then all of a sudden I noticed a blood trail leading in to the kitchen straight ahead. I followed it and saw a man sitting in the corner of the room with his head hanging down, with two bullet holes in his chest.



 
 
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tags:  writing, story, good, spelling, grammar
 
1. myLot reputation of 78/100. Spook619 (277)   ranked 429 out of 6,402 in writing   9 months ago

It sounds pretty cool, I would spell check it though... there are quite a few errors which I'm guessing are from fast typing.

The violent begining suggests that it would probably follow the path of overly graphic violence, a pleasure to write... but not allways so fun to read.

Best of luck!

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2. myLot reputation of 88/100. NuttyMomma (651)   ranked 1,515 out of 6,402 in writing   9 months ago

aside from typo's i was enjoying it. you're good.

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3. myLot reputation of 72/100. irishidid (3043)   ranked 157 out of 6,402 in writing   9 months ago

I going to be blunt. Don't take it personally, I'm really trying to help.

First off, your sentences are choppy. They need to flow better. Watch your spelling, even on a rough draft it is good practice to get into the habit of spelling correctly. Some of your descriptions are confusing-i.e. "He tilted up his lips" doesn't make sense. Pay attention to the details.
This might not be what you wanted, but I just had to say it. happy


myLot reputation of 76/100. headabnger2884 (205)   ranked 2,552 out of 6,402 in writing  9 months ago

thats alright...I take it you wouldn't read on?...MY creative writting teacher didnt complain said it was a very effective beginning XD


myLot reputation of 72/100. irishidid (3043)   ranked 157 out of 6,402 in writing  9 months ago

I might read on. The beginning isn't bad as far as content goes, it's how you wrote it. You want to hook the writer and the better the beginning, the better your chances of doing that.
I understand your creative writing teacher is trying to encourage you, he/she should also be encouraging you to improve. Work on your descriptive voice to make the reader see what you want them to see. Buy yourself a thesaurus, you'll benefit from it. Add some dialog too. If a dog is lunging at me, I'm not going to be quiet.

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4. myLot reputation of 99/100. AnythngArt (1678)   ranked 2 out of 6,402 in writing   9 months ago

I think this would make a powerful beginning to a mystery story. I like the description of the rabid dog. However, I have to agree with the other commenters so far...it needs work on the spelling (like "abandoned") and there needs to be a little better transition in escaping from the dog and entering the mansion.

This work has a lot of potential but it needs some serious attention too. The problem with bad grammar and spelling is that it detracts your readers from the story, instead of drawing them in.

Good luck with your writing.
happythumbuphappy

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