Do you read your kid's mail?

Of course your opinion still counts!! I agree with you for the most part. I think it would be a huge head's up if my young child began getting any sort of mail from a strange source, including credit cards. I would not open it until I asked them about the source! If I ever felt like there was reason for alarm I would be asking them tons of questions for them too!:) Thanks for your response!

Would it be okay if they picked up your notes laying on the table and looked through it? I know if they are smaller that is one thing, but when do they get old enough to have their own privacy? I know there are times parents are concerned if there are huge swings in behavior and stuff like that...Would they ever be able to become responsible enough to prove that to you as their parent?

I don't view children as small adults. I view them as children who need to be guided through life into adulthood. How can we do that if we don't know what's going on in their lives, and expect them to just tell us everything?

What if your 13 year old daughter is kissing her boyfriend at school? What if she's keeping that from you? Don't you want to know about this? Are you just going to sit back and wait for her to tell you she's sexually active... or worse yet... that she's pregnant?

On the other hand, you could read it in her diary, know what is going on in her life, and discuss these things with her so she fully understands the gravity of particular actions.

How we raise our children, and how we treat them is up to each individual parent. You want to be your child's friend and allow them full privacy... that's your choice.

I realize we don't live in a perfect world, and peer pressure is a powerful motivator. So I want to know exactly what's going on in my child's life, and I am not going to trust that my child tells me everything, because I know for a fact I didn't tell my parents everything!

I do understand what you are saying, however, if my child does not trust me because I went through her stuff uninvited she not only won't tell me things, but she'll also make sure to hide her diary and keep things like that hidden at school or somewhere that I cannot retrieve it, making the matter worse. I still haveto vote for the trust issue... the other things will come to light in major behavior swings or moodiness or withdrawal... keeping up with where your kids are and who they are hanging with come fro being with them not simply reading a diary it's a moment by moment adventure....

As I said, I'm not going to purposely snoop through my child's belongings, unless I have good reason to. If my child starts acting strange, then yes, I'll start pulling books out of their book shelf and flip through them.

I'm saying if my child leaves something sitting out in the open, I'll flip through it. I won't make a huge deal out of everything I read, unless I feel it needs attention.

I think this is okay, and this is how I choose to raise my kids.

I know for a fact that no matter how much my kids trust me, and vice versa, they won't tell me every tiny detail of their lives. They're still very young right now, but anytime I turn my back they're doing something I told them not to do. It's in a child's nature to do things like this. It's also in a teenager's nature to do things their parents may not approve of, and then not tell the parents. I for one would prefer to know about it and be the judge as to whether I should intervene or not.

What you say is true... that's why we kept things public... they did not have a phone in their room, nor a tv, nor a computer.. they were not allowed to live separately from the family.... helps prevent a lot!

I am with you there Snow White.... agree completely that to get respect you must give it. I used this philosophy in teaching school too and it worked there as well as in my home. My children and even my students always showed me a high level of respect....:)

its not good to don't trust on ur children ... i prefer not to read but as a parents ppl have to moniter their kids too sometimes as kids sometimes don't know wats better or bad for them ... but once they r elder enough to choose good or bad for them u just have to share ur experiences with them n guide them wherever they r wrong or need ur help ...

I feel that as a mother, I shouldnt have to EARN my child's respect. They should respect me because I feel and clothe them, give them everything that they want and need...so I should get respect automatically!
They are a CHILD...when you are under 18, you don't have the priveledges and rights as an adult does. This goes for everything. SO if I choose to go through their stuff, then I have every right to do that in my home.

I am an adult. If the police suspect that I am doing something wrong, they are allowed to search my home for evidence...

So If I suspect that my child is doing something wrong, then I am allowed to search her belongings for evidence. Simple as that.
She is not an adult, and I have all the say because she is not yet mature enough to make decisions that are the best for her well-being and safety.

I have no doubt or question about me, as the parent possessing the right to search anything in my home. However, the police are not going to just come in and search because they have that right, that's an abuse of power and I would actually lose respect for them. It is really a fantasy world that a child will respect you simply because you feed and clothe them.. it just doesn't usualy happen that way! Respect is modeled and learned.

I understand your viewpoint. . .I am just saying that for me, my attitude seemed to work with my kids. They didn't seem to be afraid to tell me things or confide and it all worked out. I recognize it doesn't for everybody. Thanks for your input.

yeah, there's no handbook you get when you find out you are going to be a parent!! We all have to figure out how our homes run and what works for us. Actually, each child is so different, we have to treat different (or even similar) situations separately! Thanks....

I agree that it is the parents job to find out whats going on, this is why I think this is okay to do.
You sad "How can I expect them to respect my space if I don't respect thiers" Well, thats easy. There is a difference between me and them. I am the parent, the adult...and they are the child. Their personal space is not a right...its a luxury. If they give me reasons to trust, then they dont have to worry about me going through their things.
But I look at it this way.
Would I rather know what my child is up to all the time and save them from dangerous situations?
Or would I rather have my child respect me...but run off and get hurt from the things that I have no knowledge of.

They may not respect me, or think that it is fair, but at least they are safe...and to me thats better.

We are indeed responsible to keep our kids safe. Part of those responsibilities are that we model and teach trust. When you build character and trust with your kids they will learn trust and respect. It will avoid many situations when you can keep communication open with your children and as long as they trust you... communication will continue.

To add to what she is saying, I understand that I will always have a right to my own space, since I am the parent. A child does not automatically get those rights... Right now my son is three, he doesnt have any privatcy.. but when I am in his room, I still respect it as such.. if I have his room set up a certain way and he would like this toy to go here and that toy to go their instead... I allow him to make that change... Granted it may seems small to most people but to my son it gives him a little control over what is going on in his room.. Its a game of give me take me... if you always take and never give back... meaning the child's space, the will grow to resent that later on... During the teenage years... It wasnt that long ago when I was a teenager... about 15 years ago, my mother would go into my room, and read my diary, go through everything just because she could. It was not because of the fact that I was doing drugs, or anything else that would get her worried enough to go through everything... She just did it.. And it made me feel so small, like I was someone that didnt have any rights, that could be walked on.. etc.. These are not feelings that I want to give my son at an older age.. When I became a mother one of the first things I was taught was that your child will grow up and one day face you on what ever decisions you make now... So make sure that if you had to face your son in the future you can stand by your descision.. and not be one of those parents that say thats just the way it was, or there isnt anything that i can do about it now... ways to get around telling them the truth...

True... on a very shallow level... if we remain very involved with our children and know what they are doing and who they are hanging with it will stop a lot of that. My kids never went to someone's house I did not know or had not met. When they played sports I or a family member was there to watch. I took them where they needed to go.. or where I desired for them to go. I did not send them. Many times they did not get to go somewhere because I did not trust the people hosting the event. In hanging out with my kids and not working 24/7 and making sure that I knew where they were 24/7 I knew what was going on because I was involved with them and they were involved with me. I took them with me everywhere I possibly could. They did not always like that... but that's the way it was... and this kept us all in communication.

I would rather my kids hate me and be alive and safe,...rather than be the cool parent and allow them to hide things and get hurt.

The funny thing is.. they will be more likely to not write the stuff you are so worried about... still involvement is the best medicine! And trust is the best prevention in my opinion!

I have a level of understanding of what you are saying, however, I did some things that help prevent some of it. For instance, any computer activity was not done off in their room, it was kept and used in a very "family public" place with everyone around. I also sould have definetly done something differently had one of my children recieved some way strange piece of mail. I would not open it until they came home, but I may have had them open it in my presence and ask them to let me see it... if there was some reason for any suspicion. keeping things pubic really helps with a lot of those issues....

You see, I figure if you are more connected with the child,you won't have the "need" to snoop. It is a basic trust factor and if they cannot trust you they will hide even the little stuff. If they trust you they will share even the big stuff!

Absolutely if they were in danger, but then there's no gaurantee that it would be found in a diary or notebook if they were. I'm with you my kids continue to tell me all those things I don't even want (or need) to hear... but there is still open communication and that is worth a lot! My son used to come in late at night and plop on the end of my bed and strt talking.. no matter how tired I was... I listened.. and he's still talking to me today!

you've made a very good point, we do tend to judge others by our own actions and intents! Thanks for sharing!