Relationships with Adult Children

As an adult child myself, an old adult child, but I have that role nontheless--I have to say I agree with you that the adult child/parent relationship seems better. I never have liked being told what to do! lol I love my mother and will usually listen to whatever she says, but may still go on to do what I wish anyway--and she knows that. I envy your friendship with your Mom. I would like to cultivate that with my daughter as well. We get along just fine, she just doesn't see my point of view about wanting an adult friendship with her. When I approached her one time about wanting to be more equal, to be friends--she told me she already has friends, but she only has one mother.

I appreciate your input as always! I had made a vow to myself when my children reached adulthood, that I would keep my lips zipped. What I told them was that they needed to make their own mistakes, as everyone does. I don't volunteer advice. But, if they asked for my advice, then they would indeed get my whole-hearted advice, just as they did when they were younger. When they were younger, I expected them to take my advice. As their mother, I felt that I always had their best interests at heart. But, I was also much more aware of all the circumstances involved then. Now that they are adults, and living their own lives, that's not always the case--and so, I keep my mouth shut, unless I'm asked.
I feel sad that you aren't able to have your family closer, so that you could spend more time with your daughters-in-law and your nieces.
It's strange how things go sometimes. You mentioned being like a second mum to some of your younger friends. I can certainly understand why they seek you out! It's also the case with me, not with younger friends that I chose on my own, but with some of my daughter's friends. It seems quite ironic to me sometimes.

As you know Holly, I am 73. It seems odd to me that apart from my hubby (the bestest of the best friends) all my best friends are in their 30s - 50s. Strange, but true. I just don't associate well with "old" people, apart from one dear 91 year old.

that's because you're not OLD.:-)
Anyway did you want me to adopt you or did you want to adopt me?
There's that dang annoying ocean though...

I have friends of all ages also--always have. I think that there is a difference between being chronologically old and spiritually old. I think you will always have a young spirit, no matter your chronological age--and that's perhaps why you are able to be good friends with younger people. I think we all know younger people who act chronologically old though too, at least I do.

Dawn, the ocean is a problem. I've wanted to find out I was adopted since I was 11 years old and first heard about such a thing. I don't think I was adopted, so I still have that yearning.

I've mentioned to you before that we share some similar background. But, in my case, I had one parent who was fairly hands off and one who was not at all. All of my problems occurred with the parent who was not hands off--and we still have conflict. Well, we would have, if I hadn't decided to stop communication altogether.
I can imagine that the sudden involvement in your lives once the children were born was hard to deal with too!
I have to be honest, I'm having some conflicts with my son at the moment. I won't go into specifics, except to say that after being a responsible parent for over 6 years, he has decided it's not his cup of tea any longer, I guess. Even since he returned home, he still isn't fulfilling his obligations to his children. I am heart-broken over it and so are his little girls. They adore him. They are too young to understand--heck, I don't understand either! So far, I have kept my comments to him to a minimum, but I am inclined to say much more, believe me! I wish someone had warned me ahead of time that there was a down side to being a grandmother.:-( Does anyone have any advice about what I should or shouldn't do?

I feel badly for your little granddaughters, but short of letting loose and shaming your son into wanting to be a father (if that would even work), probably the best you can do is just be there for them as much as you possibly can. I know I would have been happy to have a loving grandmother in my life!

No, I don't think shaming him would do one bit of good--if anything, it would drive him further away, I'm afraid. He was not raised this way, believe me. His own father may not have been physically around much, due to his love of work--but, he was a good Dad when he was with them. He certainly never left them or refused to support them. As for me, I've been actually accused by other parents of being too responsible before--that I make them look bad!
I also feel that I need to concentrate on the girls. As you know, I spend a lot of time with them, and had been doing even more so, since the problems all started. They just started school today, so I won't be seeing them as much.:-( But, their Mom and I have worked it out that they will be having sleepovers with me every Saturday night. We're all looking forward to it!
I'm sorry you didn't have a loving grandmother in your life. That's where I was very fortunate! I only had one grandmother and she had many grandchildren, over 30! But, I was her eldest one and had a special bond with her. She helped to protect me from my father and his temper many times, when she was able. Since we moved so much and often lived very far away from her, I didn't get to spend much time with her growing up, but I always knew she was in my corner. When I grew up and especially after I had my own children, I would spend as much time with her as I could, as I lived fairly close by then. I was with her the day she died, in fact there were many of us with her and I am so grateful that I got the chance to tell her that I loved her one last time and to say good-bye. It's a bittersweet memory.

My dad's parents died when I was 3. My mom's dad lived with us when I was about 6 and I have a couple of good memories (he rescued me from being sent to bed without supper lol). But he was an alchoholic and one day took my brother to the park at noon and they didn't find them until midnight - at a bar. So he didn't stay with us long. My mom's mother lived too far away and my one memory of her (other than a short phone conversation when she was dying) was of her threatening to spank me if I didn't behave and threatening to spank my mom if she intervened. So much for warm and fuzzy. lol

Richard's mom is around quite a lot and watches the kids and much as she can be really annoying, I am glad that she's in their lives. My dad's too far away and doesn't really know how to relate to kids, but at least they see him every now and then.

Well, despite it all--I think you turned out pretty well! lol Maybe because I am a grandmother, I think grandparents are very important to kids--if they're lucky enough to be able to be together at all. They make a nice buffer between the parents and the kids. Grandparents generally just love and accept the grandchildren without the baggage of expectations that parents have of their children. Unfortunately my own children haven't had much luck with grandparents either. Their father's parents are dead and my parents live 1500 miles away. They also refuse to be around my father, but not through any imposition by me. He brought it on himself. He only has 4 grandchildren, 2 that live only an hour away from him. They're all grown and none of them will spend time with him. My kids would love to have my mother nearby, and I would too. But, my parents have been together 56 years and even though they don't like each other much, they are a package deal. If we could have her without him--I think she would have been here a long time ago.
That is a scary story about your brother and grandfather! I can't say I've had that happen, but my father did leave my kids alone in a restaurant one time when they were only 5 and 8--to drive 10 miles back to my house because he forgot his wallet! It was the last time I ever let them go anywhere alone with him. Your maternal grandmother sounds like she was one tough lady! I can't even imagine threatening to spank one of my grown children, especially not in front of one of their children! It might have been interesting to see her try to carry it out! lol

I'm sure she would have followed through too!

I didn't know any of my grandparents. By all reports my mother's father was a darling but died young and her mother was a witch. I think it was because my mother was not loved that she didn't know how to love. My father's parents were upper-crust but they disowned and disinherited my father.

My only regret with my family is that they live great distances, so I only see my grandchildren once or twice a year. I wish they lived locally, but their parents are academics and live in the cities.

It sounds as though you have won your wisdom the hard way, but wise you are. I agree with you, too. I do the same with my grandchildren, as far as their parents go. I follow their parents rules with them, even when I'm alone with them. Luckily, their parents and I share pretty much the same philosophy about child-rearing. If we didn't, I would still follow their rules, provided it didn't involve something that goes against my conscience. Then, I would make sure to talk to them about it.
Your Ex will end up alone, just as my father has, as he still continues to try to run our lives, even though I'm 55 years old and my brother and sister are in their 50's as well! Unfortunately, they (meaning my father and your ex) will probably never figure it out until it's too late--if ever. Fortunately for me, I had and have a good mother and I learned much of my parenting skills from her. She was the eldest of 13, so she had lots of practice! In a backwards way, I can also say I learned much from my father, as I consciously chose to do everything the opposite from him. I hope things are better with your health!

Thank you for the best response!!

You're welcome and I appreciate the response! xo

I appreciate your insight! I'm glad you are friends with your daughter--and I do hope it remains that way. My daughter and I were very close when she was that age as well. Our relationship grew more distant when she went away to college and also because her father and I were splitting up, right around the same time. She tried hard to remain neutral and her father and I didn't involve her in our problems much, but I know it was a painful time for her--it was for all of us. She learned to turn to her girlfriends and it's pretty much stayed that way ever since. I do agree that usually when the grown children start having their own children, that helps them to finally understand and appreciate their own parents more. Sadly, my daughter may never get to find that out, as she's already had 2 miscarriages and is afraid to try again.:-( I do think becoming a parent made my son realize a lot of the quiet sacrifices that parents need to make during a child's lifetime. But, right now--that doesn't seem too important to him. I wish you and your family the best.:-)