Shattered dreams of childhood memories.  

Hi everyone,

I am a 40 year old woman who was born and brought up in India. Our family was not very privileged and we could only manage to make two ends meet. Time passed, I finished my education and got married to a very sweet and kind doctor. We now live in the UK and are fairly well off, him being a Respiratory Consultant. I try never to forget where I came from.

Last month I was in India with my 12 year old daughter who wanted to see my childhood home. It was a small flat in a very poor part of the town. I had vivid memories of this place, the children, the trees, the fruits we picked, the games we played. However miserable it was, it still was my childhood. But, as we got off our car and began to walk about the streets, several pairs of eyes started to stare at us. Maybe, we appeared very foreign to them. I was no longer 'one' of them.

Soon we were stopped by a very loud and rude resident, who started to question us about our purpose for wandering in that place. I was speechless and chose to ask him to stop bothering us. People gathered up to watch the drama. The man kept pestering us to get a reaction and I nearly broke into tears telling him 'this behind me is my childhood home and this here is my daughter who has come with me to see it'. The man and the crowd to my surprise was very unsympathetic and wanted us to leave the area. I took a last look at my house and left the place crying.
Wondering why we were recieved with such hostility!

Before this incident, I used to often dream of this place where I am still being the little child that I was, with my young parents in the background. But last week I had a very depressing dream where my daughter is standing by me in a very similar surrounding and I am begging a stubborn old man to let us pass so we could have a look.

I am unable to disassociate my childhood memories from this bitter experience no matter how many ways I think of it. My daughter who had gone with me to have an experience of her own came home extremely sad. I feel especially sorry for her who did not deserve it in any way. I had plans to ask the local people about my long lost friends, but that sounds illogical now. I do not 'want' to go back to this place but the thought of not being able to revisit a place from my youth is very unsettling.

Any advice, counselling, input or criticism to change the way I am taking all this is welcome.

Kindly comment.
Hugs
Autumn