Tough situation, what do you say to your kids?  |
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 There are times in our lives when things happen to people we know that will need (in time at least) be addressed with ones own children. Many times the ones we want desperately to hide will come out whether we want them to or not. The situation that I will need to discuss with my kids to some point (vaguely as I can) did not happen to my kids but to involves their cousins who though they live many states away they are very close to and speak to several times a week. The 4 kids tell each other everything that happens to each other, everything (things I wouldn't tell anyone out of embarrassment..lol) they are very very close.
So this is what happened. The cousin live as I said many states away, their father is on the other side of the nation completly.(TG) The father was arrested for sexual assault of a 6 year old girl. The cousins had spent time with him over the summer and will be told more then anyone wants as they will be questioned by the DA's office. There is no chance that they will not say anything to my kids as I said they tell each other everything. I know their mother will be making sure they know as little as possible but they will know that their dad is in jail for hurting someone very badly, and hopefully in questioning they will not come up with their own conclusions about how. The cousins are 8 & 12.
So how do I prep my kids, or answer questions when they ask? I cannot cut them off from their cousins as they are all best friends and until they moved a year ago (to get away from father as much as possible do to his drug use) they where very rarely apart from them. I know it will come up.
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1.  Hatley (19992) | 4 weeks ago |  hi opinionatedlady How do you tell them, you tell them
the truth, what else can you do? You can be gentle and
you can tell them that some people become sick in their
minds and do things that they no longer know are wrong
But how can you sugar coat the fact that the father
sexually assaulted a child? Further more this would be
a good time to stress that a child should not ever
keep quiet if a relative touches them in an inappropriate
way, and also to run not walk if any male relative even'
tries to touch anyplace that is inappropriate.
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 olydove (487) | 4 weeks ago |  Perfect advise Hatley except I would say "if any male or female".. we must not forget that though less common there are also female sexual offenders too.
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| 2. debrakcarey (1351) | 4 weeks ago |  I agree with Hatley.
It depends on how much your kids know about sexual stuff...as to what details you share. I would also add, that you make them feel as safe as possible, let them know along with the inappropriate touching warning, that you will always do your utmost to keep THEM safe. Keep an eye on their behavior and eavsedrop on the conversations they have with their cousins...you don't want any misinformation getting spread.
God bless you and your babies...and I pray also for their cousins. Hugs, Debi
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| 3. PeacefulWmn9 (2495) | 4 weeks ago |   Hi Lady. I'm saddened to hear of this whole situation, but the a similar one arose when my own children were young. Depending on the ages of your kids and what the cousins do tell them, take your lead from them.
Answer as best you can, with honesty, the questions as they come up. This is also an opportune time, if you haven't already, to discuss with your children that their bodies belong to them and are not for others to touch in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable, or that if someone tries, they should shout for help...things such as this.
You know your children best, and hard as it is, I think you will handle this fine.
Hugs,
Karen
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4.  jodylee_04530 (509) | 4 weeks ago |  I say stick with the truth. Keep in mind their ages and maturity level but be straight with them. Try and teach them through this moment. Our family's all have difficulties and it is important to learn to grow through adversity. I think your children could be a huge benefit to their cousins if you arm them with the tools to be respectful and empathetic.
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| 5. solared (844) | 4 weeks ago |  Your just gonna have to be honest with them, an tell them he did a bad thing, it would be best if you told everything before they spoke to their cousins.
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| 6. celticeagle (4466) | 4 weeks ago |  The truth is best. And better they not come up with their own conclusions. I wouldn't just blurt it out but I would certainly tell them the truth in a tactful way if the need arises. I would inlist the help of a child counselor or psycho-therapist ASAP! They are going to need all the help they can get and you will to. I would see one right away and get their input and the kids will have their support and then you know you are going about it in the right way. It is never easy but doing it the right way will help everybody in the long run. Good luck! (Usually the school counselor is a good place to start. You don't have to tell them the entire story but just tell them you need one and they can refer you to one.)
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| OpinionatedLady (632) | 4 weeks ago | Yes after a conference with a counselor (the cousins as their drug addict father certified they would need one for other issues) it has been decided that all the kids will be told that he was arrested again for drugs (something they are used to and understand) and that he will no longer be allowed even to speak to any of them (his kids mine I don't let him anyway I don't have to via the courts) because he is no longer safe. The counselor does not believe they are old enough to take in and digest what he has done so that for now the main points are to be left out. The truth will be told just not the gory parts. As for school counselors both my cousin and I home school,we are the counselors....that's why we called a professional, the last thing we want to do is make it worse by screwing up what we say. | |
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| celticeagle (4466) | 4 weeks ago | I had no way of knowing you home school and school counselors are usually the best place to start. I am glad you were able to find a way to address this issue. Not fun. | |
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| 7. macdingolinger (1180) | 4 weeks ago |  Like you said, I wouldn't cut them off from their own cousins. That wouldnt' seem fair as the children have done no wrong. It would be an unfair punishment! I would talk to my own kids openly and honestly about the situation. I had to deal with a similar situation with my kids. I told them just what they needed to know then answered any questions. I am finding that if they know enough to ask a question then they deserve an honest answer. They may not ask any questions for awhile.. they have to process information just like us! Talking to your kids is usually the best answer no matter what the circumstances are!
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| 8. sid556 (10475) | 4 weeks ago |  You have to be blatantly honest. As hard as it may be to talk to them about this, I see no way around it. You have to let them know and tell them that their uncle is a very sick man which I'm sure they have figured out by now. Then just let them know that if they have any questions or just need to talk that you are there for them.
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| OpinionatedLady (632) | 4 weeks ago | Lucky he never became their Uncle, (TG), we have been able to cut him out of our lives (minus B Day parties for cousins) for many years. Since the moved cross county we haven't had to see him at all. Honesty yes but how much do you have to tell them. Thank God for counselors (see above post as to what he said) because we where lost on this one. | |
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| 9. triplejazzm51 (213) | 4 weeks ago | Hi OpinionatedLady, I hope i can give a very wise advice because the situation is very difficult. Children involved in here are minors and i just hope they are intelligent enough to undertsand the situation. If i am the one into your situation, i would tell my kids the truth for soon they will know also. But i will explain to them that no one intended this things that to happen. There are times that we cannot control circumstances and that is a fact of life. Present the side of the father who is in jail. Tell the kids that, that man was under the influence of drug when it happened and he has to be punished. Present also the lessons they should learn out of the bad things that happened. Explain to them the reasons why their cousins have to go away from their father. Explain also that things will come out right though it might take a long time. Ask them also to support their cousins and seek God's help. | |
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| 10. Bluepatch (2447) | 4 weeks ago |  Only tell them if it becomes truly necessary. Don't assume that it will either. And if it does tell them like it is. Don't mince on the words. This world today is a very frank and forthright world so you tell them exactly as it is. But only if truly necessary.
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