Hi everyone.. How would you maintain your love in my situation?

..the truth is, we got married because I'm pregnant.. our family is a type who always value integrity.. And I don't like my father hearing criticisms because I'm pregnant.. If not for my father, I shouldn't have married the guy.. I'm just really concern with my father's feelings.. After marriage, I thought things could work out but it didn't.. now I'm really hard up..

It sounds like now, you have to take care of you. Doing what is emotionally best and healthy for you is also doing what is best for your baby.

Wow that's a bit harsh. I think she is looking for some advice, not a lecture.

Hi daneg!
I know she wants advice and I already said that I was blunt but unless we know the whole story it is difficult to give any advice. We need to first put 'our house in order' create a new base and go from there. If she went to a marriage counsellor he/she would also want to have more details. It is not fair that we dish out some advice without knowing the entire situation. Well, that is how I feel.

..hi.. well, I don't know if I committed some mistakes that prompts him to such things.. however, during the first months of our marriage, I tried my best to understand him because he said he is bored staying in the house.. I told him, maybe it would be nice if he will look for a job but he did not.. In the best of my knowledge, I have been good wife, tried to smile and take care of him every time he comes home even very at night.. I wake up, make coffee for him and prepare his food.. My friends says I'm too patient for him.. but I said I'm just doing my job and responsibility as a wife.. but then, right now, I'm feeling tired of what he's doing.. Maybe those months were already enough for me to give understanding to him.. he doesn't work and doesn't help me provide the needs of the family.. I wrote this to ask for advice.. suppose you don't want to answer this, you should have not commented in the first place if you think this is not a thing to be written here.. In my opinion, I have friends here whom I could rely on.. I didn't disclose my identity and my husbands' identity so I think posting discussion like this here is fine.. anyway, thank you for your very blunt opinion and I hope I've answered your question..

So you are an exemplary wife and it is really sad that you should be straddled with a no good guy. It is all the more disturbing that you did not see these signs before marriage. He did a pretty good job of hiding them. He finds no joy in you, in his child nor in any work. He therefore needs to be taken to a psychiatrist May be you could talk to one of your mutual friends who is aware of your problem and somehow have an appointment with the doctor. You seemed upset with my response but I was sincerely trying to be of some help to you. Many a time we are blind to our own faults and when I was sending that response I did not think I was doing anything wrong by bringing that fact to your notice. Now that you have clarified that you have no faults then please consider my above suggestion. Divorce would be one solution but you say it is not allowed where you live.

i know I have weaknesses too.. nobody is perfect.. but my husband don't tell me anything that makes him act that way so I presume I'm not doing something wrong.. for your harsh words, in this time of depression and confusion, maybe you should have chosen your words because you know, words hurts.. your intention maybe good but the way you say it hurts.. I hope next time, you will be more understanding and considerate because a confused person and problematic one has the chances of being sensitive..

..he chose to baby sit but I'm not happy because when he comes home in the morning, he readily goes to sleep then when I go home for lunch, I find him still sleeping while our baby is playing alone waiting for me.. I feel pity for my child because I believe she needs to be guided while growing up and I can't do much about it.. I'm expecting my husband to guide her but he's not doing it at all.. that's why I'm planning right now to find another apartment where I could stay together with my sister so that my sister can take care of my baby.. I really thank her because she like to do it..

..sorry, I forgot to answer your other question.. I'm the one paying everything including his cellphone.. He even ask money from me every time he go out and if I don't give him something, he speaks bad words to me.. I always try to explain that we have to really budget my salary because it is only the source of our income but he refuse to understand it.. he's already old enough.. my sister's husband is even younger than him and my sister's husband is very responsible..

..yes.. I've tried talking to him.. but he always deny.. before, I have the opportunity to prove my suspicion when I read his messages.. that time he was too drunk and he forgot to delete his cellphone messages.. when he was asleep, I got his cellphone and a message came saying goodnight and i love you babe.. When he woke up, I talked to him and would you believe what he said? he told me it was just a message.. my gosh.. you see how he reasons out? but that time, I tried to forget that incident expecting that he will already learn his lesson when I drove him out of the house but he didn't.. I'm really confused right now because I wanted to leave him but I don't want to hurt my father's feelings.. My father don't want our family to be broken.. and he doesn't know what's happening in my marriage life because he is far.. he just come and visit once in a while..

..thank you very much for that encouragement.. I feel like I have my best friends on my side right now.. and I'm controlling my tears.. I don't have access with my best friends right now so I just posted my problem here believing that even in this online discussion, I can find friends who will be with me because at this time, I really need friends to confide my problem and emotions.. Of course I believe in God and i look up to Him always but there is always a difference when you have someone to lean on physically.. hehe.. anyway, enough for the drama.. I don't really wanna cry coz I'm in the office right now.. yes, I'm the one earning and he's the one spending a lot.. We're 1 year and six months married right now with one kid..

hi anning.. I'm sorry but divorce is not allowed in our country..

..hi.. thanks for the advice.. I actually lost so much weight.. I'm even thinner than when I was still single.. that's why many people who knew me always ask what happened to me or what am i doing that I continue to lost weight.. I already did everything to talk to him.. I cried pleading, I talked softly, I explained how I feel.. once, he said sorry but he still continue doing those things.. for me, sorry means you're not going to do the same mistakes again but he did not..

Love yourself before you love others. Don't be martyr, you don't deserve it. Cheers!

..thanks.. well, the thing is, upon reaching home, he erases everything in his inbox and deletes the names in the call log so I can't find anything when I try to read his messages.. he chose to baby sit our child but I don't think he is really baby sitting because he doesn't take care of her.. when he arrives in the morning, he readily goes to bed.. so I left him and my daughter asleep.. but when I come home for lunch, I would just see my child playing alone and haven't drink her milk yet and my husband still asleep.. I really feel pity for my daughter.. she is so young but she don't drink her milk regularly because his father just leave her alone playing..

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..maybe you misunderstood puddytatt, we are already married that's why i'm having this problem.. but I'm considering your advice.. yeah, in due time, I have to talk to my father about my situation.. I know he will understand me when I explain the situation I'm in and allow me to get rid of my husband.. Everyday of my life, I was hoping and looking forward that anew day would come when my husband will come to his senses and realize the responsibility that lays on his shoulder that's why i was able to tolerate the things he's doing.. I tried my very best to understand him.. but now, I'm tired of hoping because nothing is happening.. So maybe, I really have to make up my mind either to chose to be crying for a lifetime or get rid of him and live my own life with my child.. I'm just waiting for a little time to have enough money so that we can transfer to other house and get somebody to take care of my baby.. thank you really very much..

sorry, i must have misread it, i really think that you should get this man out of your lie, i can see that alot of people in here are giving you some very good advice, but listen to your ad and see what he says, dads know best, he will be furious about the way your husband has been behaving, it's not fair on you or yor child, seriously, i mean what happens if tha bay gets hurt while the husband is sleeping, it can easily be done, maybe find someone who will take care of her for you while your out working, or maybe change the times in your work shifts, i would definitely see what dad says because this husband of yours is useless...sorry to say it but he really is, you will never forgive yourself if something happens to that baby under the supervision of that stupid man....i hope you think about this because he's not stepping up to the plate, he's cheating on you, the more you allow it, the more he will do it, put your foot down and get rid of him, for the sake of your baby....

...okey.. thank you.. I will think of that..

..at first, I don't really check his cellphone but when he keeps on going out at night and coming back early in the morning, I tried checking his cellphone and I do found something.. but I didn't readily accuse him.. I ask for his explanations but I don't think he has a very good reason telling me that the message I read was just a message.. will you believe this if the message is like this "i love you babe, goodnight".. Yeah, he refuse to work.. when we were not married yet, he do everything to earn money but now, he changed.. I don't know why..

..well, i think love fades gradually.. thank you..

Well in re-reading what you wrote it seems to me you have more than ample reason for your love to fade. It takes two people in a marriage working together to keep it strong. If he is not there half the time and keeps hiding something from you it is pretty clear he is not working with you.

It is so very true that how we feel about each other in the beginning changes. Just human nature. But if we really care about each other then that change will be okay because you both will move to a different place in the relationship, together.
It sounds to me like he has moved but not with you.

First and foremost you deserve to be happy. If leaving him will help you in that direction it may be the thing to do. If not then you must get him to begin working with you to get back to center. Good luck to you.

..thank you.. I do appreciate your advice.. at present, I just accepted the fact that I made the wrong choice.. I don't bother much now even if he goes out every night.. I just get contented spending my time with my little daughter alone.. I want to be happy even if my situation is like this..