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Married someone you actually didn't love? email this discussion to a friend?

josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships3 weeks ago

Some women feel pressured to get married when they're close to their 30's (yeah, still happens in this 21st Century).

Boyfriends come and boyfriends go, but no one proposes? (or at least asks you to move in with him?) Many women start getting anxious and insecure, wondering if they will find that "special one", who will love you for who you are. Another reason is the ticking biological clock if you want to have a baby.

When that stage hits, you might find yourself stablishing a relationship with a "nice man". Despite you don't feel the burning love you're supposed to feel, or even too attracted to him, you accept to marry him. That happened to a couple of my girfriends. One is still married, the other one is having a little hard time with her husband. Has that happend to someone you know? How is it working out? Are they happy?

 
 
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PrincessThinker (166) response was accepted on 11/5/2009.
denotes best response.
tags:  marriage, love, relationships, husband, married
 
1. myLot reputation of 89/100. clorissa123 (3509)   ranked 207 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

It seems that won't work out well at all, because ultimately, you don't have the burning love for that particular person. You simply want to change your social status, or wanting to have a children to fulfil your internal wants and demands. What is true happiness, is that you found someone you truly love and want to spend the rest of your life with that person together.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

You are right. It's a lot about changing the status and fulfilling something. Also, I think is a lot is about companionship (even without the love/attraction part). I wonder how sometimes it works for some people and how it doesn't for others (like the 2 friends I mentioned before). I guess it depends on how high your expectations are, and how you can manage to be happy/content no matter how little you might have.


myLot reputation of 79/100. syndrix (264)   ranked 17,691 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

This is a case to case basis I think other countries like Europe and U.S. they don't care about age anxious. In Asian countries women are very much worried when they reached at the age of 28 to 30 and they feel insecure if they can not marry. Not only they worries about having a husband but a child too. Having a husband that they don't love it's not matter and this depends on the women in the first place because she knew what she is doing. Like most MyLotter says a men will not marry a girl if he don't loved the women. So women should be lucky now despite that they don't loved the guy whom they married but most of the situation men loves them very much and that is I think the most important for couples.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Hi Syndrix. It is true that European or USA women don't feel the SAME level of anxiety. Usually in those type of situations the man marries the woman believing that her feelings for him are stronger.


midnightbliss (62)   ranked 22,403 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

I think there's a lot of reasons behind it, this is my observation in my country. Mostly in the provinces, women marry at a young age, so when someone is at her mid or late 20's and all their friends are already married, they feel pressured to also get married, sometimes, it also became the basis of beauty. They also think that marrying will help them with their financial situation, having someone to help them with their expenses. Another reason is that, they wanted to have children so that there will be someone to take care of them when they get old.

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2. myLot reputation of 84/100. hmkoct5 (939)   ranked 1,814 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

I married someone I didn't really love. I had been with him for 11 years and it just seemed like the thing to do. It was time to either get married or move on. I shouldn't have married him. It became apparent very quickly that we were pretty much just friends. Our marriage ended after 2 years. I don't think it's wise to marry someone you don't love. I wouldn't make that mistake again.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

At least you guys realized about the mistake soon enough. That's something not many people are able to do (at least at the right time), because it takes courage to amend that kind of mistakes.

Waisting too much time before taking the right steps (to start a new life) can somewhat hurt people's confidence on starting new relationships.



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3. myLot reputation of 97/100. agv0419 (2037)   ranked 4,301 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

Some women are being practical or they are force to do that because they want to have kids. Even if the woman don't love the guy they still want to married him. My niece to my cousin is also forced to marry the guy that she don't love. The guy can give her a comfortable life and he is financially secured even if the guy is 10 years. older than her. She is practical, now she can help her family and she have a comfortable life. I don't if she is happy or not.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

It's sad to think that someone is "forced" to get married. It more agreeing to do it out of practicality or convenience, but not forced by anyone else.

That type of situations is not that uncommon in developing countries like yours or my own (Dom. Rep.).

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4. myLot reputation of 80/100. biznizman01 (442)   ranked 1,762 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

I feel sad for a woman who is force by circumstance to marry a man she does not love. But its her choice, she made a decision with her eyes wide open.

Is she want to be happy then she should make the best of her situation. The man that married her obviously love her very much. A man seldom gets married to a woman he does not love. Very seldom, next to none. Then she should make an effort to see the bright side of the guy and not dwell to much on her predicament. You did say she married a "nice man". So is being nice not attractive? Is being loved unromantic?

She now has a nice man who would take care of her financially. And a man who loves her deeply. That is more than some woman could ask for. Some women has no one to love them, and are in financial distress. That alone makes her fortunate.


smnor007 (56)   ranked 10,524 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

for my opinion we must become practical now. Even the girl not love the man and being forced to married... i think still got chance for them to be happy. I always remember my grandma said before "we cant eat the word "LOVE" If the man is a responsible and loving husband then they will lived happily ever...at the end the love will come we call it eternal LOVE.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

In a way, men can marry without love. Men's minds work differently than women's. They do MUST to feel physically attracted to the woman though (even if they don't feel "love" in their hearts).


myLot reputation of 80/100. biznizman01 (442)   ranked 1,762 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Men can marry without love but it is a rarity. There is less pressure towards men to marry. Maybe in certain cultures where fix marriages are still enforce I will concede that a man will marry without love. But the greater population of men would not chose this life.

We don't have any biological clock to worry, age is never a problem. Men can have kids even in old age. Our egos prevent us from depending financially on our wife's earning (although there are few exceptions), we like to earn and depend mostly on our own efforts.

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5. myLot reputation of 73/100. LisaGuo (148)   ranked 17,153 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

I'm still young,there're no friends of mine lives that kind life.To me,I'll never marry someone with who I'm the only one in love.Yes,I'll marry the guy who loves me.Ah,the best result is that I'll marry someone who I love and he loves me:)Ladies please don't get married just for child.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

LisaGuo, you just presented the "ideal" scenario. Young women don't even need think about this situations. While you are young, you have the time to pick and choose. Only when you are in your 30's (or close to your 40's) and no family is that you will understand why some women do it.

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6. myLot reputation of 55/100. kush20006 (338)   ranked 3,296 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

love means to live for others as well as for yourself
love can be mere just protecting the relation but it cant be a good relation if love is lacking


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Hi kush20006. Sometimes the love grows into the relationship and the couple is content with what they've got. Some people need more to feel happy, some need less.


myLot reputation of 55/100. kush20006 (338)   ranked 3,296 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

but it happens in only 10 percent of cases others result in divorce or forced living

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7. myLot reputation of 66/100. sarwanever (253)   ranked 16,243 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

yes in most of the countries ppl feel girl childs are burden they want to get rid of them soon once they attain 21 years of age they start seeing a guy for her by the time of 23 most of them are married or else are treated badly ..for this reason itself girls marry some one if they love some other even ...


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

The countries that feel girls are burden and treat them badly are mostly in the Middle East and Asia. In South and Central America you might find a couple of countries too. Is a good thing that the rest of the world is not like that.

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8. myLot reputation of 85/100. triplejazzm51 (200)   ranked 16,514 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

Yes josieyoung, that happened to my officemate. She got married just 6 months after she met her boyfriend. She was 35 at that time and due to the prodding of some of our officemates here, the two of them went on and suddenly we heard they are getting married already. The man at that time is in his early forties and a good man. He is unemployed but he has a farm that could be a source of income enough to support a family. I could see that this is the reason why my officemate decided to marry him plus of course their age, and the pressure from their families and friends. That same year my officemate got pregnant. Their life was good but i could see that my officemate is not really that happy. When she tells stories it is mostly about her daughter. Nevertheless, we are sure that they will stick together forever, both came from a very religious family.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Hi triplejazzm51. That's is a very good example of couples that make the best out of that kind of relationships. Also, like I've said before, some people are content with less. It does not require a lot to make them happy (or conformed?)


myLot reputation of 85/100. triplejazzm51 (200)   ranked 16,514 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Yup! but i still believe in marrying because of love. Thanks!

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9. myLot reputation of 94/100. PrincessThinker (166)   ranked 19,455 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

hello.

Yup it actually happened to my parents. The age gap is 18 years. Papa is older and he courted my grandmother to give her daughter in marriage to him.

Are they happy? I guess. They had six children and I am the youngest. Till now they are still together and each one never left or took for granted their responsibilities to each other and to their children. As of this moment, my father and mother were able to cope with their relationship. At times they scold at each other because of their difficulty in hearing but all things are smooth sailing. And I know and feel that we their children are their pride.

I know they learned to love each other, specially mama who is younger and a victim of arranged marriage.

Good day.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Hi PrincessThinker.

It's very nice to hear this kinds of stories. At the time of your parents this was even more common. I know for sure that after they see their children, and the joy and pround they feel, it's all worth it.

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10. myLot reputation of 94/100. Binthu (2855)   ranked 2,206 out of 23,098 in relationships   3 weeks ago

Hi Jos,

There are some girls would married a person without love
and then they are starting to love their husband, and as you have
said that there is difference between the husband and boyfriends.
Boyfriends would have the relationships with the women and never bother
about the anything similarly the husband is the term to bother about the
relation between the wife and husband in the family. So we have to appreciate
the good love on Husbands after the marriage.

Have a nice day.


josieyoung (18)   ranked 3,701 out of 23,098 in relationships  3 weeks ago

Hi Binthu.

Appreciation is a good word. For a woman, being well treated by her boyfriend/husband, with respect and love, it's priceless.

Some couples are madly in love when they get married, and a few months after, they're killing each other.

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