loosing our loved ones. suddenly or expected?  

I don't know about measuring the pain, when you lose someone you love, it hurts no matter how they go but I have been in both places. My dad was killed in an accident when I was 17 and my mother when I was 22. Both times in an instant my world completely changed, without warning.

A few years ago I spent 12 weeks nursing my mother-in-law at home through the last stages of cancer. We knew when we began, what our destination was going to be.

The glaring differnce in the 2 scenarios is regret. With my mother-in-law I have never felt any..we said everything we needed to say, I knew how she felt about everything, what she wanted after she was gone, I got to tell her I would miss her, and I helped her make memory boxes for the grandchildren she was leaving behind. I got to help others say goodbye to her and knew who would need me the most when she was gone. And we laughed alot. I still miss her from time to time but thoughts of her are always pleasant and never tinged with guilt or wishes of things I had said or done.

With my parents, the loss is different..there are things I wished I had said, questions I will never have the answers to. Thoughts of them are always followed by regrets. I don't know if it makes their deaths more painful, but I know for me it makes them more unsettled.

I understand what you are trying to say. Something similar has happened in my life. I was living alone with my four year old son, separated from my husband. One day my husband came over and took my son away to his place. I still remember the day vividly. I was shouting 'get out' when he picked up our son, put him in the car and drove away. I stood there in a shock. It has been more than five months since I saw my son last. I am now fighting for the custody of my son. It is taking time because out of faith and stupidity I had signed on some papers that I shouldn't have signed. My son should be with me in another two months. Then everything will be allright. I am praying hard and keeping my spirits high

A quick death where I don't even have a chance to realize I'm dying is the preferable way for me. In my sleep would be the best. Suffering and I have had my share is not pleasant at all, even if I don't know I'm suffering it would be painful for others and they don't need that.

I am sorry for you losses as well as your fiance's losses. I too have a hard time dealing with holidays especially Christmas. My uncle passed away December 9, 2007 due to liver trouble. He suffered over a year and was constantly in and out of the hospital. My uncle had lost his hearing so I was unable to talk to him.

My husband's mom (well at the time he was my fiance) was terminally ill during the last six months of our engagement. I had moved in with my fiance and his mom before we had gotten married because she needed round the clock care and the nursing home in the area was terrible. If it was not for his mom being ill I would have not moved in until after we got maried.
I never had the chance to say goodbye to my uncle which was difficult for me. It was hard seeing him suffer. I did see my husband's mother suffer as well and it has hard. We never had a chance to say good bye because the hospital had a rule that said when the staff changes everyone needs to stay out. Unfortunately, she had passed away before we got back to her room.

Loosing your loved ones so sudden felt more pain than that of expected. Yes we all die, at a certain period but what I mean is when you already knew he was gonna die, you'd feel less pain, right? Somehow you've already accepted the ugly truth that he's gonna leave you in 10 days or in 5 days. But you would really feel more lonely when just yesterday you were hugging him or her, having party, laughing with each other, and now he's gone. You would ask yourself, "why so sudden? why'd you leave me?"

Hi dracoserpintenes, you give terrible choices. I'd prefer my loved one to be around as long as is possible. Who knows, may be v both could go together, and not feel lonely up there. Quick death makes you feel cheated.

i believe whatever you choose,losing loved ones only leads to pain.losing them suddenly ,you will regret that you can not met him when he's dying,while losing them as expected,you can not bear seeing him suffering torment.