Am I a bad daughter now?  

hi Ocean, thanks from all my heart for the card and your loving comment. Of course there is govt assistance but my aunt who will be mothers main caregiver did not want to apply for this yet. As she is the main caregiver and I only step in from Mon to Wed so far as its planned, after work, so she will decide whether she needs that govt. help in the long run.
I mean, most other daughters with that biography of emotional abuse would wash their hands in the statement of, I have my home and marriage elsewhere so I cant care for my mother other than contributing financially when this needs to be done.

I am willing to try to help care for her but I guess when she has snapped at me for a few consecutive days telling me what are you doing here I dont want and need you here then I plan to give up and not let her trample on my emotions any more.

thanks for your prayers I think they also help lots

I agree with Oshy, Book... maybe there is some home health care that can help take care of her when she gets home. If she is in the hospital, there are nurses to take care of her.. you don't have to put yourself through this abuse.

hi Oreo my aunt the main caregiver does not want home health care to be in the picture right now, only when the family as a whole cant cope with the situation. So we will see how things work out.

Book, that is a bunch of malarky. There is no way the family should be a slave to the illness of your mom until they cannot take it any longer. It will cause hard feelings and it will not allow people to relate to her in a family way, but only as caregivers. That is really not fair to anyone involved. I do not understand you aunt's rationale on this one.

Yes, Oreo and GG, I can't see the Aunt's thinking is very clear on this one.

I don't think your Aunt knows what you are getting yourself into. Yes your husband is understanding you right now but you will need to take care of your family now. Your Mom is in serious illness and though she doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, it still hurts. Job and taking care of her and sleeping in the hospital just for her will really take a toll on you not now but later.

I pray that she will get well but its not wrong to ask for assistance from other people outside your family. You do not have to stress yourself and do things that are not healthy anymore for you.

Yes you are a daughter but you are also a wife, mother and lover. Don't forget that. Be honest with your family. If they don't want to ask for help then tell them to do the things you are doing right lets see if they are up for it.

My prayers are with you and your family.

hi freymind my Aunt knows very well what I am getting myself into. She just aims on shifting the whole responsibility for my mother on my shoulders as I am the daughter and she is only the sister.
But she fails to realize that SHE lives in the same house as my mother whereas I am in different city a 3,5 to 4 hour drive away from what I once called home.
Plus she thinks she can shove me around only cause I still work in my old hometown (I commute 4 hours to work then work 6 hours and commute 4 hours back)and we married too late to have kids.

Oh Book, she is in the same house?
Well, this is going too far!
I am so sorry Book!
You need to lift yourself out of this situation, someway, somehow my friend..that is atrocious..what suffering on you!

hi OceanTiara, yes my aunt is in the same house as my mother. On one hand its good cause so my mother is not alone in the house and can be found easily when she falls or anything like this happens like Feb 1 and on th other hand its not so good cause of all the pressure that woman puts on me I had to see to it that I find me a small hotel so I can relax and unwind a bit after a hard day at work plus then so far two hours with my mother in hospital directly after work.

Book my friend..it is amazing what hardship a daughter will put on herself because she is made to feel guilty for her very existence...how sad this is and what a caring good soul you are. I love you my friend and you have a lot of friends here who care for you.

hi Ocean thanks for your heartfelt loving comment, I am sending tons of hugs your way. Mom is out of hospital since Thursday that means I will help taking care of her Mon to Wed after work and Thu I return home to hubby.That makes an additional evening for us, woo hoo

So happy now to hear she is out of the hospital dear friend and that she is possibly doing a little better to relieve you of the stress, at least some of it, and provide some time for you to see the hubby. God Bless you Book my friend and I too send all the love and hugs to you both too! Thanks for the update Book.

hi Ocean Tiara thanks for your loving words. I am also glad mom seems to be a bit better. Hubby is glad I am home for the weekend as well

Dearest missybear, the travelling is not the problem but the problem is my mothers attitude.
She was a perfectionist when she was younger and I never could do anything right in her eyes no matter how hard I tried.
You are right telling me that dementia is hard to cope with but my mother abused me emotionally and showered me with psychoterror and pressure all my life so its nothing new.
My question was rather aimed at the fact I was giving up my own life now for four weeks already for someone who is not thankful and does not appreciate all I did which is
change my work schedule
live in a small motel Mon to Fri which costs MY money not my mothers cash
put my marriage to danger with only being home exhausted on weekends
or to put it differently, does dementia earn my mother the right to trample on me as she desires and get on with that emotional abuse?How much is too much?

No she doesn't and you shouldn't be abused like that but does she really know what's going on anymore?

Dear missy she is not one of the poor souls who doesnt know who she is and who her kids are and doesnt recognize her family. Last Thursday, when I almost cried, my cousin whom she likes a lot also had come to see her.
She was talking very lovingly to my cousin on purpose letting me stand there like an intruder, saying things to her like, what you have been up and running for 14 hours now so you must be exhausted. No need visit me daily with all the stress you are facing. please get home and get some rest.
She did that on purpose to make me (who had also worked and been up and running for 13 hours by that time) even more worthless compared to my older cousin. And when my cousin had left the ward and I wanted to go too cause visitors time was over she did not even say good bye to me.

As I said I come from a lifelong emotional abuse by my mother and feel I really should not use her broken hip, her dementia and her old age as a shallow excuse to let it go on.......

Not everyone that suffers from dementia suffers from loss of recognition, or fails to recognize *everyone* in their lives.

You're not going to like to hear this, but despite what has happened in the past, you are her daughter, not a cousin, not an aunt. She raised you, no matter how good or bad it might have been. You can approach your mother as "Mother I need to go home and get some rest as well, I'll be back at XXXX day and XXXX time to check in on your" and walk away without listening to any argument that she might produce, or you can stew on it and continue to hold the grudge that you've very obviously been holding for a long time.

I've dealt with people like her all of my life, and being a part of the older generation, I can almost assure you that she feels that through the expression of an emotion that might be considered, "weak", such as happiness, sorrow, or having to swallow pride and ask for help, much in the manner that the stereotypical male ego works. As horrible as it sounds, some of the most thankful people I've ever met are those who don't express it - because it makes them feel weak and / or they've never learned how.

I think that if you completely abandon your mother right now, that you will really regret it, and that it will affect you in a negative manner. I suggest that you simply reduce the time that you spend with her right now. Ask other family members to pitch in and help - Cousins, sibilings, aunts, uncles, whoever is available.

I'm sorry but you gotta let her go. She's not worth your money, your family, or whatever you have. Let her be by herself.

If I were her daughter I would just leave her if that is her wish then so be it. G

God has given us parents to nurture us and make us a better person but if your Mother is like that I'll be praying for her soul. She knows who you are, what you are doing and still manages to hurt you by what she is doing.

Leave her. Just do it. She is your mother, yes but enough is enough. If she says again that she doesn't need you then pack your bags and say your goodbye. No explanation needed since as what you describe her she doesn't have compassion in you.

You have your own life now. Be busy with them. With your loving husband.

But ask yourself if you will regret it.

Zoey is right. If you really cannot leave her then try to visit her a couple hours only.

Don't stress yourself too much. At least you know in yourself that you did everything you could for her still she is ungrateful.

hi freymind thats what I am planning to do when she repeatedly shows that cold attitude as soon as she is home again. When she shoots at me saying what did you come here for or what do you want here I will really turn around and say, okay I leave again when you dont want me around, and that will be it.

And from what I did not only go through in my younger years but during these last four weeks when she was in hospital I will sure NOT regret when I care about my husband, my health and my work first.

hi zoey, you dont sound rude any smallest bit. In fact I took the time and read two books about dementia and know that these mood swings are included. Sadly my mother is NOT one of these who will storm at me and after five minutes has forgotten what went wrong and will smile at me again. I also know that these attacks of anger and rage will even become worse with the time passing if thats possible. I think what is happening now is bad enough.
In fact old age plus dementia only bring out the worst in her controlling attitude towards me. I am the "dear daughter" when I do what she wants and I do it NOW or even before she asks and I am the devil in person when I do not comply to whatever she has in mind.

please read the last part of my answer to missybear so you see how she treated me last Thursday fully aware of what she is doing.

And, no, with her behaviour as it is it would not make me guilty to not see her at all. I am not going to sacrifice the weekends cause thats the only time me and hubby have to remember we are married as normally I leave the house 5 am and come back 8:30 pm from work.
thanks for your response.

You misunderstood part of my post, or I didn't convey my message well enough.

I was insinuating that you should move back to YOUR home, and visit your mother, for example on a Wednesday evening after work (even if it makes for a late night) and or one day on the weekend. If you do that, you're not really losing any more time with your husband than you are now.

And I hate to say this, but if that's the only time you "have to remember that you are married", you have other things that you may need to think about. Any strong marriage, will overcome anything.

I've dealt with my own illnesses, caring for both the mental and physically ill, brain injury, age difference, long distance... If it's strong enough, you'll make it through 5-8 weeks of only seeing each other a little bit. There are MANY families that deal with this not for weeks, but for months or years at a time, such as the families of soldiers, celebrities, and politicians.

hi zoey, I think I did not misunderstand, but you also got to know that my husband has an illness himself and is disabled. Luckily he can manage quite well on his own during the work week and I dont need to be frantic about him not being able to cope. But I am aware of the fact I could and should not live this way for months and years, especially not when its not appreciated at all by the person its directed to and done for...... my mom.......

Again, you're holding a grudge, and if you're not careful that grudge will consume you and hold you down.

It's not a matter of feeling appreciated. Not feeling appreciated sucks, but face the facts: We deal with unappreciative people in EVERY setting... In our shopping experiences, in our government and community, in our workplace, and yes in our family. Have you ever just up and confronted her about her behavior?

It's a matter of doing what is right and trying to stay sane doing it. If you think you know what you should be doing, take that plan and make it into an action instead of stewing over how unappreciative that your mother is or that you believe her to be.

Give some of my suggestions a try. Start calling or visiting other family members and ask them to help, and see how they can help.

zoey7879 - I'm not trying to be rude to you in any way however, walk a mile in her shoes OR mine then you'd see things in a different light. Trust me on that.

I have and I continue to do so every day.

It's NOT difficult to ask others for help, it's NOT difficult to confront someone about issues you have with them.

It's fear and and anger that prevent people from doing this when those options are feasibly available.

Hi Book I agree with the first set of mylotters. You do not have to put up with that abuse for NO reason. I am a Bible reader and I take it literally. It says once a man is married he leaves his mother and cleave to his wife and I do believe that goes both ways. Zoey you can't say that it is not hard to talk to someone about how you feel because you dont know their history or relationship status. I would like to know why should Book change her life when the Aunt is there and can take care of her sister. I say that Book should go on the weekends to give the aunt a break and take care of her and her husband during the week.

D'oh.. I had this post all typed out once, and then realized too late that I wasn't logged in xD

Yes, actually, I can say that it's not hard to talk to someone. ANYONE can talk to someone, if they are willing to swallow their pride and brush their fear aside long enough to do so.

Despite my own personal opinion of the matter(which would be her and/or any siblings taking care of mother before other family members pitch in), I did make the suggestion that the OP go back home to her husband and commute to visit her mother one to two times a week. Each time, her anger and pride get in the way. In dealing often with people with brain injuries, mental illness, and general poor attitudes towards others, I've learned to generally just ignore the crap. There are times when I haven't been able to do so, but I don't react where the person instigating it can see - I only react in private, away from their eyes and ears.

I have made several suggestions to her, which DID include going home to her husband and either visiting her mother one day on the weekend, visiting one evening during the week, or each one day during the week and one weekend day. Her response is that she doesn't want to give up her weekends with her husband. If she's home with him all but two days a week, is that not a different situation and improvement than as opposed to how things are now?

I've also suggested asking family members for help. The responses usually tend to just state "unappreciated... by my mom". I may have something else to add into my points on this part of the thread, but I need to go through, re-read the original post, as well as other posts that the OP has made.

Pride has nothing to do with how a person will respond to the person talking to the person receiving the message. If someone is not willing to listen then there is no reason to waste your breath.

I have been and still is in the situation that she is in. I was living in Texas and trying to do all I could do for my mother in Louisiana. Which is the same distance she travels everyday to work and her mother. My mother did not appreciate NOTHING I did. That included taking all 3 of my kids on the road to take care of her. Once I told her how she was treating me she told me I was full of s**t. So you tell me how to talk to her when she tells me how I feel. I have valid feelings on top of that I am married with 4 kids now. I moved back to Louisiana to be closer to her so my kids did not have to travel that much and it's the same old s**t. So pls tell me how to speak to someone that is so close minded like her mother??

Dear nikkij I am sorry that you are reated like this too by your mother and I hope that you can bear the emotional hell that is breaking loose for you being treated like dirt.
I admire you for moving closer to your mother thats something I wont ever do simply cause my disabled husband has good doctors here and a job in a place for the disabled and also a self help group and I am not going to uproot him from all this.

nikkij.. Pride has absolutely ALOT to do with how people act towards other people and respond to them. To think otherwise is disillusionment.

My mother is just as closeminded and you either deal with it and move on, or don't deal with it appropriately and let it drag you down.

zoey7879 all I can say is this, if you can put up with such degrading remarks time and time again with no end in sight, you're a bigger woman than I'll EVER be. Sorry but I'm human, she's human and our feelings do get hurt just as yours or anybody else does. If you can handle such treatment, go for it. We respect ourselves much to be subjected to such treatment because we deserve better. Now that's not to say we wish for them to bow down to us but good grief!, love, respect and some appreciation would be nice.

Well, good Tuesday morning to everyone! I just thought I would come by here and see how this discussion is going. We probably should cut Zoey a break... she doesn't know Book, nor does she know you Cats (I can guess this just by zoey's lack of compassion for Book's situation). It's all well and good to preach forgiveness and all that. You can forgive and still not want to be abused. Dementia or not, some people with dementia know what they are doing. Some individuals still know how to control and manipulate.

Book has ALREADY explained that she cannot give up her weekends to sit with her mother. Book lives far away from her mother.. she has had to rent a hotel to stay there for 3 nights a week and leave her husband alone... and that is after working all day for long hours at her job. Her job is closer to her mother, so it makes sense to stay during the week when she can... BUT... if Book doesn't care for herself and give herself a break, she won't be able to care for her mom. Her weekends are needed to be with her husband and to rest and recuperate.

It's really easy to preach forgiveness.. to preach about holding grudges... but.. remembering being mistreated in the past isn't necessarily holding a grudge... We all remember things that have been done to us.

Just to make an example of what I just said, I will put it this way: If we have been molested by a parent.. we won't forget. We may not wish any ill will on the person who molested us.. but we sure as Heck won't forget unless our mind totally blanked it out.

I had an abuser.. who was my father.. he physically and mentally abused me. I cared for my father until it became too much for me. My dad was on dialysis.. he wouldn't follow the doc's instructions.. he would drink and drink and drink... he made home made beer and drank it... then on dialysis days he would go into shock from them pulling so much fluid off him.

I worked nights.. my dad would find my car keys while I was asleep and take my car and forget where he was going. One day I was woke up by a phone call.. it was the police telling me that dad had run over someone's mail box. That was it for me... I put my dad in a personal care home, because I could not work and see about him too. He got to be too much for the personal care home and he was put into a nursing home. About a year later he died from an aneurysm, which was probably due partly to his own abuse to his body in the past, and the dialysis.

My dad wasn't really a drinker until he went on dialysis. That was the worst time of my life and his, I think. I don't hold a grudge against my father anymore.. (I used to hate him as a child).. but I would never let him get away with abusing me as an adult. When he tried, he got as good as he gave.

Cats, Book... no one needs to take that kind of abuse.. it is up to you when you draw the line.

hugs to you Oreo and Cats for coming and answering here too. I will keep you updated if I find that additional time this weekend, I will do my best.
Mom is out of hospital since Thursday and is feeling much better being at home now though she got to get used to walk a little slower than she did before. however she doesnt use a walker at home and thats quite a good sign.

Despite differences, I'm glad to hear that your mother is doing better. I hope that this has helped improve your situation as well!

Hi Jo its very comforting to know someone was in my shoes before. I mean I dont live in my hometown any more and I dont plan to relocate cause its much too expensive there.
Its touching for me that not only my mylot friends but total strangers like the person who runs the small hotel where I stay during the week say that I am doing far too much in this situation and that I should not forget to also take care of myself so I dont break down and my marriage wont break down from all my absence during the week.

I would hope something like your mom being sick would not put your marriage in any kind of jeopardy. It sure shouldn't.U will feel good about yourself when something does happen to her. I think anytime u gice your all in a bad situation makes u feel better. Good luck.

hi Jo the situation does not put my marriage in jeopardy now, I am just aware of the dnnger lurking round the corner if that situation with caregiving will go on for months and months and is not only very temporary.

I would hope he'd be understanding no matter how long it went on. Life can get tedious for sure Hope everything works out good for u , your mom & your hubby.

hi Thoroughrob, I know you are caregiver to your son and I believe its hard work to keep it up and do all that needs to be done. I would only be assistant caregiver, so to say from Mon to Wed after4 pm when I get there from work. I stay in a small hotel overnight so decent sleep for me would be cared for too.

The last four weeks were everything but easy and I will at least try to care for her part time as lined out above but when she will tell me all the time she doesnt want me around and be overly critical of what I do then I will certainly not renew the weekly contract for the hotel room which costs me nearlyl 100 Euro from Mon to Fri but then I will stay home.
You are right, my health and marriage also should matter to me.

thanks for backing me up sudiptacallingu. Yes you got that right, I am an only child and so from the time I started working and earning money with 22 I put back money for when my mother needs help or care so I am not penniless then. I made a lot of sacrifices she never was aware of or interested in.
Other young people enjoyed their life, got married much earlier in life, and traveled the world and what did I do, save up for dear mom who now treats me like dirt everytime I wont do what she wants.
yes I always was taken for granted. Everything I did was either not worth mentioning or plain wrong. Your mom also had this distorted picture of what a good child is, always obeying even when you are an adult and live your own life. I know these huge scenes, been there done that not only in my teens but we had it last Thursday and I am 47 now and start having grey hair myself. For more info read what I wrote to missybear.
Its so comforting to know someone else has been through this too. It feels good I am not alone in this.

As I live 350 kilometers from her so it would however be different when she continues to treat me like this when she is in her house again. I would give her time, one or two weeks and check her behaviour but no way I am going to waste my money on a hotel room for Mon to Wed when she always tells me what are you doing here and I dont want you in here. Then I will give up, definitely.
I think I am not doomed to risk my health and my marriage.

h tingtong thanks for your post. I am sorry to read it happened to you too and you took care of your dad who was in bad shape.
I know that time will help me get over what happened. My parents divorced when I was a small child not even 2 years old and my father has put me through emotional torture too. He threw me out of his house when I was 25 and I never went back, he died 15 years later and I dont regret anything.
If my mother goes on like this she will have the same fate as my father, then me saying I dont go back to where I am emotionally tortured.

Yes. You have to take the decision. Either way it will remain as a hurting memory. If you have your own children love them and show them that you love. You are going to get some good days. All the best.

hi free_man and thanks for your reply. Thanks for stepping by.
Yes I know that broken hip wont heal soon but she is able to walk using a walker now and she is doing good at it.
Right I cant afford to let that diabetes get out of hand cause of all the stress thats involved with the way my mother is treating me. Plus the herniated disc is getting very painful again with me carrying that travel bag twice a week, Monday to old hometown Friday back home........ like someone trained in the army, lol.
Thats why I started the discussion. I am one of the rather strong persons saying I will roll up the sleeves and do what needs to be done when there are obstacles but in the four weeks that passed since she fell and injured herself I have asked myself numerous times, is it worth it when she only treats me nice to get her will done and treats me like an intruder when I dont comply to her every wish.

I can call myself lucky cause my husband supports me lots, he is disabled and so HE is the one who needs me most. My mother has her younger sister in the same house plus then other relatives nearby who could go there and help and its not all on my shoulders. But the extended family tries to put the load on me as far as possible.

Hi Book. I know what your going through my mother was a mean person too. She was abusive to all of us when we was growing up. I hadn't seen her in 20 years cause of the abuse. My siblings called me cause I was the only single person and that is the reason they called me to take care of her the last years of her life. She drove me nuts. I couldn't stay with her cause I still was hurt. But I did go there daily to clean her home. I don't know if I could handle it these days. You got to think about your health and your husbands health. I would look at the family that lives close to her and tell them you just can't do it any more. I am sorry and I know you love your mother but this is just too much for you to deal with. Your health should come first at this stage in your life.

hi free_man I blew the last opportunity I had to put and end to the abuse with just leaving her to her own fate three years ago. She always got from me what I called the Old Age Bonus with how I was raised..........
meaning I could not cut the ties though it would have been the best thing for me to do. In earlier years I always said I will not be her caregiver when she is old as she would be nothing but mean to me if I tried to and look at how she treats me now when she is only in hospital and the actual care is done by professional nurses. I wish I had had the chances not to see my mother for 20 years to break free from that abuse I suffered.
The extended family will step in, my aunt who is 15 years younger than her and lives in the same house will be her main caregiver and I intend to do the afternoons from Mon to Wed from 4-8 pm after work that is, and take an emotional break from what she will put me through from Thu to Sun.

But when I see my blood sugar acts up as it did for the last four weeks most of the time, due to stress I will quit and not risk becoming insulin dependent too early in life.

Hi Book. Your a good woman. You should be concerned about your health. It is easy for me to say because I am not in your shoes.

hi Trensue thanks for commenting..... I didnt know about your mom, sorry to hear she is no more.
thanks for your encouraging post. During the last two weeks I definitely thought I am wasting my energy, time and money and I am afraid to put my marriage at risk with what I do right now. I asked my husband to please speak out and tell me before its too late.

hi Pat, I know you are older and I know you are mentally fit, LOL, and you know I admire people like you.

As I said she was like this to me all her life. She was a perfectionist and so it was almost impossible to get any approval from her unless it was good grades in school. Sadly enough her behaviour is not just triggered by dementia, it would be nice if this were the case but I got emotional flack and abuse all of my life just for being ME.that makes things so difficult now.
I dont know how to put it into words, but its difficult to know where to draw the line and to say till here and no further.