 I got this in an email today and had to pass it on. Hopefully it makes you laugh and you can post some new rules of your own.
New Rule
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: LUCKY B**TARDS.
New Rule
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
New Rule
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If
you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooh, you're a huge
a**hole.
New Rule
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.
New Rule
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go
nuts and eat two.
New Rule
This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up,
some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months, "27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
Please post some other rules that should be made
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