|  A house, a motorcycle, cable television, and unlimited internet priveleges, with the fastest possible connection available? All this came about from sitting down indian style and staring off into space?, you ask. Yes, it did. And more. Much more. You see, what we believe about this world is, in a word, wrong. I discovered this through intense contemplation of my situation at that time; I was homeless, living in a shelter in Norristown, with some mentally challlenged individuals. The chief aim of these people consisted of how much they could loaf around and still get government assistance. I was in a deep depression, being all of 26, and no direction in life was presenting itself. I felt like a failure in the worst of ways. I had let down my girlfriend, my father, and finally, myself. I lost everything, and I mean every thing, but the clothes in my black, plastic garbage-bag and the ones on my back. I had no money, no resources, except for this shelter, and it was fast becoming the middle of winter. What was I to do? I didn't belong with these losers. Or maybe I did. A few weeks went by until I started becoming wise to the ways of the system. You could get things in advance, if you knew the right person. Keeping your nose clean, and doing favors, moved you up in the ranks. This provided you with the means to a few hour's extra sleep, to sleep in areas you weren't supposed to. To keep certain individuals from throwing out your stuff when you couldn't fit it into those shoebox sized lockers they gave you. Icy showers greeted the newbies, and food was eaten quickly if we got any at all. You might be asking yourself what this has to do with meditation. Well, I'll tell ya. When you're stuck in a place with no job, bored out of your gord, and sick of being cooped up inside; you go exploring. Fortunately, our shelter was located right smack, dab in the middle of a state park. Streams with ducks, geese, all manner of wild birds, fish, sqirrels and deer loved to hide out in the woods. It became a habit for me to stroll along, and oftentimes I would be graced with a spectacular show. As I became more bold, I learned how to get around the rest of Norristown. I took frequent trips to a local library I had discovered while runnning, one day. This became my favorite haunt, for the longest time, and it was here, that my life began to change, unnoticeably, at first, but as the weeks went on, I seemed to grow inside myself in knowledge and awareness. I had been doing daily Tai-chi and Aikido excercises that I had adapted to make my own, from the very few classes I had taken before I lost my job. This kept me calm, and probably lead me to start choosing books of a more metaphysical bent. I was interested in those people who had turned failure around, into success. These people all seemed to have two common denominators. Mainly, a positive attitude and good character. I wondered if it was possible for me to do the same thing...to be the same kind of person that they were; that they had been. I reasoned that since they had failed, we were at least starting out at about the same place, and if all these people could do it, certainly, with enough desire and will power, I would be able to do the same. So, where did this character come from? It didn't take me long to figure out that good character seemed to stem from a faith in the spiritual world. A strong spiritual connection, or at least a strong desire to experience this, cultivated what people on the outside, called, good character. I was drawn in, almost without being aware of it. I started to re evaluate those things that I held in such high esteem. One day, coming back from the library, I discussed a book I had been reading with this jewish 88 year old man, who had been through world war two. He took an interest in me, especially when I brought up the term, Zen. I had seen this word before, and kinda thought I knew what it meant, but I was wrong! Zen can not be explained in words. As soon as you start to, you are explaining what it is not! The only way to explain Zen to someone is to have them experience it. "Do you know what a koan is?", he asked me in his gentle way. "Ah, no. What is it?" He replied, "A koan is a puzzle that you meditate on; that can not be solved by words. Logic is useless. You must ask yourself the question and then listen intently for the answer." Well, you can imagine what I thought of that. It sounded like something you'd hear off of that T.V. show, Kung Fu. I don't know what let me know that I could trust this old man, but I did. It was probably the best thing I could have done with my life. He gave me a koan to meditate on, and so I tried to meditate. At first, it was so frustrating. Sounds were all around me, my mind was whirling on merrily on its own, and didn't want to lose its momentum. Thoughts would chase away the peace I had started to feel, and I'd have to start all over again. Ah, my leg is itching, gotta scratch my nose, my butt's getting sore, my foot is falling asleep, what should I eat, why can't I do this, so stupid, ahhhhhhh!!!! As I practiced, I learned to tune this out, and then to focus on one thought to the exclusion of all others, and let it go. After a few days, I was starting to get the hang of things, and I began to focus on my koan..."What am I?" A Simple question, it would seem, but not so simple when you try to answer it with labels. What's a label...anything, really. Let's see, the more common ones are: I'm Dave, I'm a guy, I'm a waiter, I am an animal, I am human. None of these are satisfying answers, because they point to a made up ego. A construction of my mind. They are labels, and when I choose to lose them, I can. People seem to need labels to define themselves. Here's another one: I'm a mother, father, daughter, married to so and so. None of this really matters, and once you fully realize this, you will be free from the prison that you have built; the wall that you have erected between the illusion that you think is you, and your true self. Realizing this is what meditation is truly about. There are many, many different ways to meditate, but none can be wrong! Does that amaze you? How can it be wrong, if you follow what your intuition tells you to do? Somewhere, inside you, is a higher knowing; a being of infinite wisdom who is connected to the divine. I know, you may be saying that this is pretty hokey stuff. Maybe so, but it works. For some reason, that I have not quite gotten yet, the universe wants to give you everything you desire. In fact, that seems to be it's prime goal.
But back to what actually happened to me. I had always been one to have a short temper, and being uptight was my normal way of expressing myself. I knew no other way. This began to change. People...the sane ones, started noticing little things about me and they would comment on them. One guy said I seemed to be happier. Another person swore that they could feel a different energy coming from my body. If this didn't convince me, then all the little "coincidences" began to. It became easier for me to speak my mind. Arguments died away, and I found myself drawn to those who I could help or who could help me. As my meditation went on, I remember one day that shook me to my foundation. We've all heard of those parent voices inside of our heads that seem to berate us for foolish actions or for even thinking of doing something that they would consider foolish. I remember lying down on top of my sleeping bag on the floor, and starting to have a negative spiral of thoughts concerning the new job I was hoping to get an interview at. In an instant, my mind seemed to switch, and a kindly voice said, "It's alright. I love you no matter what. Your worth is not tied up in winning or losing. So don't worry." Hearing that and feeling such a deep calm come over me was a revelation. I don't recall much more, because I promptly fell asleep and did not wake for another few hours.
Weeks went by and I was still meditating. I now had a job as a waiter at Friendly's and had a poor opinion of myself, at times. I kept comparing my results to those who had been there for quite a while longer. This particular day, a guy that I considered as goofy as me; he made balloon animals for the kids, asked me if I wanted to go have coffee at the diner up in Eagleville. I was eager to make a new friend and to see what this guy was like behind the clown mask, so I agreed. Over some hot chocolate...I don't like coffee all that much...I found out that he had been watching me and noticed how well I got along with the customers. I was friendly and outgoing. He said that he was hoping to get an extra roomate to share the expenses of his house. Four or five college guys lived there, and the place was absolutely gorgeous! No one ever got in anyone else's way, because the place was so huge. I felt compelled to say I was interested, and he offered to let me stay there for relatively cheap rent. He knew that I lived in a shelter, and he thought that I would be able to contribute a lot to the household. To wind this down: I did start living there. Everything held as promised and I became comfortable with my new lifestyle. Then impatience struck, I wanted to make more money and aquire more things. I stopped meditating, my moods shifted dramatically from one extreme to the other, and I started to constantly worry about one thing or another. Shortly thereafter, I lost my job, my car...actually his, and my new place to live. Meditation is now, more than ever, a way to visualize what I truly want, and also an alternative way to pray and thank who ever's out there for their abundant generosity. If you've gotten this far, I appreciate the time you took to read this. I'm currently days away from becoming a massage therapist, which I believe is also a result of meditation. I hav
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