Preparation for Parenthood

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald
was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century
sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"
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A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.
"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends
three hours every night in your apartment?"
Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a
tonic for me."
Weill and Mahoney had 21started with only five hundred dollars
between them, but they had built up a computer business with
sales in the millions. Their company employed over two
hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply,
former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill
and Mahoney blamed each other sunfor the troubles, and they
parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped
for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the
table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

"Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's 3125a terrible thing,
seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the
men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair
isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly
and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And
they've only been banged once."
Late one night, little Johnny 22woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom
light had gone on. Littlemon Johnny walked into the bathroom and
saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously 3125wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? them?"

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A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the
world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable
snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground.
The emergency brakes 22don't work, the emergency phone
doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.
The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her
clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man
"make me feel like a woman again!"
So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and
says "pick that up, ."
It seems that Abe andmon Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,
were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught
between towns during a driving snow storm.
The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally
slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.
They waded through the3125 drifts to the house, and after a short
conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to
convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.
She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and
Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.
Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room
for Abe and Morey.
The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully
pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.
Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.
Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some
chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's
bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and
hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he
admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone
number as his own.
Where upon Abe said, "That explains this letter from her lawyer saying
she has left her entire estate to me!"

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As they ped each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled, "Pig!"
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,
"!"
They continue on their22 way and as the man rounded the
next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one
afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the
horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's
fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will
be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the
Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish,
within reason, before meeting monhis ultimate fate the the
following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last
request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought
by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and
whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs
through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not
particularly distress the 3125Indians as they didn't really know what
to do with the dog anyway.

At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by
some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the
braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment.
As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy
that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too
tired from partying.

The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for
furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another
request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again
the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion
and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so
please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and
was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying22 on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled monout a spray can. She walked over to
the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
yards, turned, waved and hopped 3125another 50 yards. The man was
astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned
the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka
had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers,
the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the
seeds into their pockets."

Embarring moments The following are the top three
winners of a Most Embarring Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.

1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving*right now*,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,22 'If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
* Amy Richardson; Stafford,monVirginia
2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
we got to the bottom of the 3125stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrment
for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again."* Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag. Imagine her embarrment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"


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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the pengers on a
commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the pit crew to show
up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
the rear of the plane,23 and begin walking up to the pit through the
center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
cane, bumping into pengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co tuepilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
covered with huge sungles.
At first the pengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
sort of practical . However, after a few minutes the engines start
spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
pengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking3125 desperately to the stewardesses for
reurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some pengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne.
Up in the pit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the pengers aren't going
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

The Young Man's Big Mouth
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms
come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've
been seeing this girl 23for a while and she's really hot. I want the
condoms because I think
tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And
I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me,
she'll want me all the
time, so you'd better give metue the 12 pack." The young man makes his
purchaseand leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for
several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that
you were such a
religious person." He leans over to3125 her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a
pharmacist."

Stolen Car
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the
beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
Sssshomebody ssshtole
my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
time you saw it?"
"It wsh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
a bit too literally. About
this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
exhibited for all the
world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
GOD . . . they
got my girlfriend too!!!"

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3
children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and
there are only three
parachutes.
The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
The lawyer yells out THE CHILDREN!"
The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
company. There's
plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing
alright--but after a few
months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to
look more and more
attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this
poor guy makes an
advance towards the 23pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost
bit his leg. One day
the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
turns out to be a dinghy,
cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman,
unconscious. He drags her
to shore and brings her tueinto his hut and slowly nurses her back to
health. Finally she is
well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for
saving my life. I don't
know how I can ever repay you. I'll3125 do anything for you, anything,
just name it." The guy
thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a
walk?"