HowTo: Survive the Rosie O'Donnell Assault  

First let us refresh our minds with some pointers about O'Donnell..

Favourite insult:

She calls everyone a moron but pronounces it "macaroon". Incidentally, this (and cheese flavored planets) is her favorite food.

Favourite colognes/aftershaves:

-Jack Daniels Barbecue Sauce
-Pinesol
-Heinz 57
-Log Cabin Maple
-Mazola
-Kraft Ceasar Dressing
-Fry Sauce
-Pennzoil

Frequently Asked Question:

Boxers or briefs? Jell-O or Pudding? Fat or Big-boned?

Rosie O'Donnell's Most Famous Appearances:

-Free Willy - as Willy the whale
-The Land Before Time and Jurassic Park- as the hungry T-Rex
-Star Wars Trilogy - as Jabba the Hutt
-The Matrix Reloaded - as the truck in the car chase scene
-Pokemon - as Snorlax
-The Superman movies - as the ornament on top of the Daily Planet

Being Attacked By Rosie O'Donnell?

Here's a list of reasons why you are being attacked by Rosie O'Donnell:

-She is hungry
-you have food on you
-she, like her magpie ancestor are attracted by shiny objects
-You're a ching chong and that upsets her
-she wants your child, as children's souls taste sweet to her.
-you did not buy a Tickle-Me-Elmo for your kids, or any kids, or any child-like adult.
-you're a Republican, conservative, or libertarian
-you told her you saw "Taboo", it sucked donkey-balls, and you want your money back.
-you're going to/coming from the fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Iran. Rosie O'Donnell, like Michael Moore, sympathizes with the terrorists.
-you hated her TV show
-your name is Donald Trump, and you're going to have some of your friends steal the Beast's wife away.

What To Do When Attacked By Rosie O'Donnell:

- Drop any and all food items you are currently holding. The Rosie O'Donnell is known for her ravenous appetite, which is comparable to that of Oprah. Dropping food items will cause her to eat, and give you enough time to run away.
- Throw all shiny objects far away from you. She'll be distracted by the flash of light long enough for you to get away.
- if Rosie is still attacking you, raise any children above your head, kick Rosie O'Donnell in the testicles, and run like Hell.
- if Rosie is still attacking you, call upon Chuck Norris and prepare to get roundhouse kicked.
- If Rosie O'Donnell is attacking you because you're a Republican or a soldier, pull out a gun and shoot her, or call in an air-strike. If need be, use the "Uncle Jimbo defense" ("Oh my God, it's coming right for us!")
- Accept the fact that you are soon to be absorbed by her blubber and regret the fact that you gave her work in the first place (Barbara Walters solution)
- If she happens to have a Fudgie The Whale cake nearby, smash it into her face and then headbutt her with your hair. This seemed to have worked for Donald Trump.

Good Luck!