If you needed a kidney transplant, would your family volunteer to be donors?
By craftcatcher
@craftcatcher (3699)
United States
April 10, 2007 11:29am CST
My best friend Kathy has a hereditary kidney disease. Her mother died of this disease when Kathy was 7. Two years ago Kathy found out she had the same disease and had to go on dialysis. After many tests, she is an excellent candidate for a kidney transplant. Fortunately we have some time, it's not an emergency life and death situation yet. Now to find a matching donor.
I volunteered immediately but I cannot be a donor because of my own health problems. I am very upset about this but there's nothing I can do.
Her youngest son volunteered to be tested but he lives 900 miles away and it would be an extreme hardship for his whole family even to be tested. So he's still on the list but he'll be a last resort.
Her oldest son refused to even be tested! I was stunned! They are very close, always have been. He only lives 3 hours drive away. His excuse... he'd have to quit his job. Now he is not the only financial provider in his household. Money would not be an issue. He would not have to quit his job unless he was tested, found to be a match, and they were ready for surgery. A lot of if's there.
Kathy seems to be ok with his refusal, so she says. I am NOT ok with this! I haven't said anything to her or anyone else about it, but I have known this kid for 32 yrs, literally since he was born and I am shocked, upset, disappointed, angry, and hurt that he will not even be tested.
How would you react?
12 people like this
15 responses
@tonyxxx (693)
• India
10 Apr 07
If I need a kidney transplant and my family members refuses to donate a kidney to me then I will be very very upset.As I have a lot of expectations from my family and refusal for a kidney will tarnish all my expectations and feelings for them.But one can never be sure unless it happens.Though now I can only tell about myself and I will be readily donate my kidney if I am in the above situation.If the family members won't help eachother then whom can one expect to help.It is really very selfish for a son not to help and save his mother's life.
3 people like this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
10 Apr 07
I agree! That's why I'm so upset about this. When we found out about her disease I didn't even have to think about it I just volunteered immediately. And though we've been like sisters since high school, she is not a blood relative of mine and it made no difference to me.
I've never thought of her son as a selfish person at all but for him to even hesitate, let alone refuse... well I guess you never really know what goes on in a person's head even if you've known them since birth.
Thanks for your opinion :)
1 person likes this
@castleghost (1304)
• United States
11 Jun 07
If it was my son who had refused to even be tested then I would respect his decision. It is a decision that he would have to live with. If someone in my family needed me to be tested and then have me give them a kidney I would do it without a second thought. I would hope that my family would do the same for me but whether or not they do so I would still respect them and the decision that they have made.
2 people like this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
12 Jun 07
I admire that you can feel that way. You are much more enlightened than I am.
I could not stand by and watch my mother die slowly and painfully if there was any possibility that I could save her life by going thru what is now a low risk operation.
It's just not within me to comprehend that.
1 person likes this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
11 Jun 07
OH my! I'm surprised at that!
I would volunteer depending on the person and how they live their life. For instance - if it were my mom I don't know. I'd have to do some real considering because she really needs to get her life together. She's not as bad as a lot of people but she needs a lot of work. So if I did they're would be things she would have to agree to do.
And my sister in law is another one I would refuse - and so would my hubby. She's got a lot of health problems and yet refuses to take care of herself. Instead prefers to get her mother all upset once or twice a year by landing herself in a coma. That's just the shortened version.
But otherwise I believe I would if I could handle the finical burden.
Why would her son have to quit is job? Surely he can take a family medical leave of absence. He might be without pay for six to eight weeks but he should have to quit his job.
1 person likes this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
11 Jun 07
I don't know why he'd have to quit his job either unless they don't allow medical leave of absence for anyone other than yourself. I could just be an excuse I honestly dont' know but to me it wouldn't make any difference. If I could I would. There are always jobs, but he's only got one mother.
1 person likes this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
12 Jun 07
In our state you can take off for medical other than your own. There's some kind of law but I don't know if it's at the state level or at the federal level.
I agree with you though - if I had to I'd quit my job too.
1 person likes this
@moumitamazumder (817)
• India
10 Apr 07
Yes, in such a crises, my family will be there to give away one of their kidneys. Also the blood group of all our famnily members is the same, so there will not be any medical barrier too. But I pray God, that such a crises never comes our way.
2 people like this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
10 Apr 07
We thought the same thing but it turned out not to be that way when it became a reality.
I also hope you never come across this situation in your family, it's an extremely difficult and heartbreaking situation.
I wish you and your family good health. Thanks for your response. :)
1 person likes this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
12 Jun 07
I'm not sure if I would take one of my families kidneys. That would be like moving from Compton to Iraq. It's a bad deal, anyway you look at it.
All seriousness aside though, I am sorry for your friends situation. The first paragraph was levity not callousness.
Minnie Mouse is HOT!
filmbuff
1 person likes this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
12 Jun 07
Thanks filmbuff. No need to explain, unlike many myLotters I have a great sense of humor :D.
Mickey's HOTTER! LOL
1 person likes this
@bcote212 (1112)
• United States
10 Apr 07
My brother has a kidney disease. Luckily it was found when he was 16 and was able to get a transplant quickly because he was so young. We have been told that there is like a 50% chance that he will need another transplant during his lifetime. i have vouged that if I am still on this earth I will absolutely give a kidney to my brother. I only have 1 brother, and I want to make sure that he is around for as long as I can have him.
2 people like this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
10 Apr 07
I'm very glad they found a kidney for your brother so quickly! I hope that he will not need another one but it's great that you are willing to be a donor.
My friend's disease didn't show up until she was 46 but she has a very common blood type and from what they said at the hospital even if she has to go on the national "list" they will probably find a match for her very quickly.
Thanks for your response.. :)
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
12 Jun 07
I would donate in a heart beat, for my family. because who has a better chance of matching if not family. I know that others can donate, and that is great, but I am like you why would her own son say no because of a job. I am sure that his job would give him a leave of absences if necessary, Companies are not that cold, I think he is afraid and maybe using this as an excuse, Sad very sad
@maildumpster (3815)
• United States
15 Jun 07
I wouldn't have a clue. I would hope someone would. If not then I would be go through stages of grief but eventually I would get a handle on my feelings.
1 person likes this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
10 Apr 07
I also hope you never have to find out. It's very difficult.
We always knew that there was a 50/50 chance that the disease would show up sometime in her life and I never had any doubt that me and her sons would volunteer immediately if it were to happen.
His refusal to be tested was like getting smacked in the face. I have always know him to be a good son, good friend, good brother and an all around wonderful intelligent person.... and now I feel like I don't know him at all, like he's a complete stranger. I don't understand, I probably never will. One of the mysteries of life I guess.
Thanks for your response :)
1 person likes this
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
12 Jun 07
I believe that anyone in my family would do whatever they need to do to help another family member out no matter what. Family is suppose to be there no matter what for one another. There are family members who I don't get along with that well but I would still do what I can to help them live.
Like you I think that it is wrong that this son isn't willing to help his mother out. After all the years that she has done for him the least he could do is be tested to see if he is able to help his mother out. Most jobs would allow a person to take medical leave in a situation like this.
1 person likes this
@elizabethbathory (1132)
• United States
17 Apr 07
You are a very noble person, craftcatcher. Very noble indeed.
My mother's kidneys failed her when she was twenty-four years old, back when I was a wee lass of one. She was on kidney dialysis for the following sixteen years, through two failed kidney transplants. She finally passed away from the cancer that developed in her atrophied kidneys.
When she was diagnosed, her brother, my uncle, immediately went to the hospital to determine whether or not he was a match, though he was not. Her sister, my aunt, however, refused to find out. She had two small children of her own and was recently divorced, which was the reason she gave, though I'm sure part of it was fear. I can understand that. My mother didn't.
Years went by before my mother was able to forgive her for not even making an effort, but she forever had a bad taste left in her mouth and never looked at her quite the same way again.
I've probably given you more details than you bargained for. I'm sorry. To answer your question, yes. In light of what happened to her, I'm quite certain that the tides have changed and if anyone was a match, they would donate.
Don't quote me on this, but the human body can function on less than one kidney, so giving one up isn't the worst thing in the world.
1 person likes this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
18 Apr 07
Thanks Elizabeth for thinking I'm noble. I didn't consider it noble, actually I didn't think about it much at all. For 32 years we've always been there for each other under some pretty bad times and if the situation were reversed I have no doubt that she would do the same without even thinking twice.
I have to say I love her son like he was my own but I will never see him in quite the same way again. It's made me lose a lot of respect for him that I don't think he can ever earn back.
So sorry about the loss of your mother in that way. Sixteen years on dialysis is an awfully long time to go thru that.
You are correct, a person can live a completely normal and happy life with only one kidney.
Thanks for your response :) And got you on my friends list now!
@carryli (875)
• China
12 Jun 07
craftcatcher,your friend is unfortunately,i don't understand why the youngest son is so willing to be the donors,and the oldest son refused actually.Some one says right,if your family don't want to give you help,who can help you?If the oldest son undergo the same unfortanate?his son also does not to be the donors,what will he think.I condemn the oldest son intensively.
1 person likes this
@HighReed1 (1126)
• United States
12 Jun 07
He might be afraid and unwilling to admit it. No one but him can really know.
I'd like to think my sons would volunteer. I hope we never have to find out.
1 person likes this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
12 Jun 07
I wish I could understand it whatever the reasoning.
I hope you never have to find out too! :D
1 person likes this
@gr8life (6251)
• Malaysia
11 Jun 07
I really do not understand why her own flesh and blood doesn't want to help her. What we are talking now is between a mother and a son. So for me it is quite amazing to hear this. Yes, I definitely believe my family will always be there when I need them. It was tested before and they were there for me either to just giving a comfort advice, or in any way possible for them to try to help me. I can understand why you feel so upset and disappointed with him. You definitely know how much your friend, Kathy had sacrifice for her sons and when she is really in need, this ungrateful son couldn't do anything to help; not to even be tested!
1 person likes this
@craftcatcher (3699)
• United States
11 Jun 07
Yes I am still upset with him about this. I've known that boy (well he's 30 yrs old now!) since he was born and I never would have believed this possible in a million years. It's like a slap in the face.
And if I'm this upset I know Kathy has just got to be torn apart inside though she would never let on.
@beautyqueen26 (16030)
• United States
6 Jul 08
If it were my kid, then I would
probably be hurt. But I guess
everyone has their own point of
view on this one.
I'm sure he has his reasons, however
illogical they seem.
Some people fear being cut or having
surgery.
Personally, I feared needles and had
to have blood taken almost weekly during
the past two months of pregnany for tests.
I had to overcome my fear for my baby.
I think your son's friend is being selfish
and should give life to the woman who
gave life to him.
That's my big fat opinion, for whatever it's worth!
