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If you needed a kidney transplant, would your family volunteer to be donors?  email this discussion to a friend?

myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people 5 years ago

My best friend Kathy has a hereditary kidney disease. Her mother died of this disease when Kathy was 7. Two years ago Kathy found out she had the same disease and had to go on dialysis. After many tests, she is an excellent candidate for a kidney transplant. Fortunately we have some time, it's not an emergency life and death situation yet. Now to find a matching donor.

I volunteered immediately but I cannot be a donor because of my own health problems. I am very upset about this but there's nothing I can do.

Her youngest son volunteered to be tested but he lives 900 miles away and it would be an extreme hardship for his whole family even to be tested. So he's still on the list but he'll be a last resort.

Her oldest son refused to even be tested! I was stunned! They are very close, always have been. He only lives 3 hours drive away. His excuse... he'd have to quit his job. Now he is not the only financial provider in his household. Money would not be an issue. He would not have to quit his job unless he was tested, found to be a match, and they were ready for surgery. A lot of if's there.

Kathy seems to be ok with his refusal, so she says. I am NOT ok with this! I haven't said anything to her or anyone else about it, but I have known this kid for 32 yrs, literally since he was born and I am shocked, upset, disappointed, angry, and hurt that he will not even be tested.

How would you react?

 

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bcote212 (1030) response was accepted on 4/12/2007.
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tags:  kidney disease, transplant, doners, donor, donors
 
1. myLot reputation of 58/100. moumitamazumder (745)   ranked 7,937 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

Yes, in such a crises, my family will be there to give away one of their kidneys. Also the blood group of all our famnily members is the same, so there will not be any medical barrier too. But I pray God, that such a crises never comes our way.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

We thought the same thing but it turned out not to be that way when it became a reality.

I also hope you never come across this situation in your family, it's an extremely difficult and heartbreaking situation.

I wish you and your family good health. Thanks for your response. :)

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2. myLot reputation of 96/100. bcote212 (1030)   ranked 1,777 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

My brother has a kidney disease. Luckily it was found when he was 16 and was able to get a transplant quickly because he was so young. We have been told that there is like a 50% chance that he will need another transplant during his lifetime. i have vouged that if I am still on this earth I will absolutely give a kidney to my brother. I only have 1 brother, and I want to make sure that he is around for as long as I can have him.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

I'm very glad they found a kidney for your brother so quickly! I hope that he will not need another one but it's great that you are willing to be a donor.

My friend's disease didn't show up until she was 46 but she has a very common blood type and from what they said at the hospital even if she has to go on the national "list" they will probably find a match for her very quickly.

Thanks for your response.. :)

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3. myLot reputation of 97/100. tonyxxx (583)   ranked 4,194 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

If I need a kidney transplant and my family members refuses to donate a kidney to me then I will be very very upset.As I have a lot of expectations from my family and refusal for a kidney will tarnish all my expectations and feelings for them.But one can never be sure unless it happens.Though now I can only tell about myself and I will be readily donate my kidney if I am in the above situation.If the family members won't help eachother then whom can one expect to help.It is really very selfish for a son not to help and save his mother's life.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

I agree! That's why I'm so upset about this. When we found out about her disease I didn't even have to think about it I just volunteered immediately. And though we've been like sisters since high school, she is not a blood relative of mine and it made no difference to me.

I've never thought of her son as a selfish person at all but for him to even hesitate, let alone refuse... well I guess you never really know what goes on in a person's head even if you've known them since birth.

Thanks for your opinion :)

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4. myLot reputation of 94/100. arcadian (479)   ranked 3,589 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

As to my family of origine- I honestly don't know and hope I never have to find out. My daughter and grandsons- absolutely would for me as we would for each other too.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

I also hope you never have to find out. It's very difficult.

We always knew that there was a 50/50 chance that the disease would show up sometime in her life and I never had any doubt that me and her sons would volunteer immediately if it were to happen.

His refusal to be tested was like getting smacked in the face. I have always know him to be a good son, good friend, good brother and an all around wonderful intelligent person.... and now I feel like I don't know him at all, like he's a complete stranger. I don't understand, I probably never will. One of the mysteries of life I guess.

Thanks for your response :)

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5. myLot reputation of 97/100. elizabethbathory (549)   ranked 47 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

You are a very noble person, craftcatcher. Very noble indeed.

My mother's kidneys failed her when she was twenty-four years old, back when I was a wee lass of one. She was on kidney dialysis for the following sixteen years, through two failed kidney transplants. She finally passed away from the cancer that developed in her atrophied kidneys.

When she was diagnosed, her brother, my uncle, immediately went to the hospital to determine whether or not he was a match, though he was not. Her sister, my aunt, however, refused to find out. She had two small children of her own and was recently divorced, which was the reason she gave, though I'm sure part of it was fear. I can understand that. My mother didn't.

Years went by before my mother was able to forgive her for not even making an effort, but she forever had a bad taste left in her mouth and never looked at her quite the same way again.

I've probably given you more details than you bargained for. I'm sorry. To answer your question, yes. In light of what happened to her, I'm quite certain that the tides have changed and if anyone was a match, they would donate.

Don't quote me on this, but the human body can function on less than one kidney, so giving one up isn't the worst thing in the world.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

Thanks Elizabeth for thinking I'm noble. I didn't consider it noble, actually I didn't think about it much at all. For 32 years we've always been there for each other under some pretty bad times and if the situation were reversed I have no doubt that she would do the same without even thinking twice.

I have to say I love her son like he was my own but I will never see him in quite the same way again. It's made me lose a lot of respect for him that I don't think he can ever earn back.

So sorry about the loss of your mother in that way. Sixteen years on dialysis is an awfully long time to go thru that.

You are correct, a person can live a completely normal and happy life with only one kidney.

Thanks for your response :) And got you on my friends list now!

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6. myLot reputation of 93/100. gberlin (3165)   ranked 434 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

I believe that my children would be willing to donate a kidney but if there was time, I would wait for a donor of someone who had died. If it was an emergency then I think my children would come to my aid.

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7. myLot reputation of 64/100. GnosticGoddess (3488)   ranked 4,021 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

OH my! I'm surprised at that!
I would volunteer depending on the person and how they live their life. For instance - if it were my mom I don't know. I'd have to do some real considering because she really needs to get her life together. She's not as bad as a lot of people but she needs a lot of work. So if I did they're would be things she would have to agree to do.
And my sister in law is another one I would refuse - and so would my hubby. She's got a lot of health problems and yet refuses to take care of herself. Instead prefers to get her mother all upset once or twice a year by landing herself in a coma. That's just the shortened version.
But otherwise I believe I would if I could handle the finical burden.
Why would her son have to quit is job? Surely he can take a family medical leave of absence. He might be without pay for six to eight weeks but he should have to quit his job.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

I don't know why he'd have to quit his job either unless they don't allow medical leave of absence for anyone other than yourself. I could just be an excuse I honestly dont' know but to me it wouldn't make any difference. If I could I would. There are always jobs, but he's only got one mother.


myLot reputation of 64/100. GnosticGoddess (3488)   ranked 4,021 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

In our state you can take off for medical other than your own. There's some kind of law but I don't know if it's at the state level or at the federal level.
I agree with you though - if I had to I'd quit my job too.

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8. myLot reputation of 99/100. gr8life (4471)   ranked 86 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

I really do not understand why her own flesh and blood doesn't want to help her. What we are talking now is between a mother and a son. So for me it is quite amazing to hear this. Yes, I definitely believe my family will always be there when I need them. It was tested before and they were there for me either to just giving a comfort advice, or in any way possible for them to try to help me. I can understand why you feel so upset and disappointed with him. You definitely know how much your friend, Kathy had sacrifice for her sons and when she is really in need, this ungrateful son couldn't do anything to help; not to even be tested!


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

Yes I am still upset with him about this. I've known that boy (well he's 30 yrs old now!) since he was born and I never would have believed this possible in a million years. It's like a slap in the face.

And if I'm this upset I know Kathy has just got to be torn apart inside though she would never let on.

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9. myLot reputation of 95/100. castleghost (1113)   ranked 208 out of 26,920 in people   5 years ago

If it was my son who had refused to even be tested then I would respect his decision. It is a decision that he would have to live with. If someone in my family needed me to be tested and then have me give them a kidney I would do it without a second thought. I would hope that my family would do the same for me but whether or not they do so I would still respect them and the decision that they have made.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

I admire that you can feel that way. You are much more enlightened than I am.

I could not stand by and watch my mother die slowly and painfully if there was any possibility that I could save her life by going thru what is now a low risk operation.

It's just not within me to comprehend that.

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10. myLot reputation of 86/100. HighReed1 (881)   5 years ago

He might be afraid and unwilling to admit it. No one but him can really know.

I'd like to think my sons would volunteer. I hope we never have to find out.


myLot reputation of 93/100. craftcatcher (2276)   ranked 44 out of 26,920 in people  5 years ago

I wish I could understand it whatever the reasoning.

I hope you never have to find out too! :D

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