assembling the shed

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This is so like my own children that I thought it would be a good thing to share. ASSEMBLING THE SHED By W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com Dear Rubbershed Company: Having run out of storage space in my garage for all the stuff we're hanging onto so we'll have something to throw away when we move, I recently purchased one of your high-impact plastic sheds, whose parts are intended to snap together into a piano-sized, weatherproof container in a process your advertising claims "takes no more than a fast and convenient 25 minutes!" I decided to assign the task of assembling the thing to my 13-year-old son, under the theory that (a) he needs to learn basic carpentry skills, and (b) otherwise I would have to do it. I thought you'd be interested to learn that the actual assembly took considerably more than a fast and convenient 25 minutes. In fact, it took my son a fast and convenient Saturday. Perhaps you should consider revising your instructions along the lines that I've detailed, below. Your Step One: Open box and remove parts. Son's Step One: Stand empty box on end and throw rocks at it from back deck, making incoming artillery noises. Jump up and down on box until it is flattened. Attempt to use the box as a sled, trying to induce dog to pull you across the yard. Get on bike and go search for runaway dog. Put some dead wood under one end of flattened cardboard and ride bicycle over it, shouting "air time!" before colliding with tree. Put ice on cut lip. Your Step Two: Determine that all parts are present. Son's Step Two: Set up roof of shed like a pup tent. Lie inside pup tent and use prop rod to shoot down the enemies. Set up walls like giant dominos and knock them down. Your Step Three: Lay floor down and insert back piece into floor slots, secure with rubber mallet. Son's Step Three: Set up floor and walls like a giant drum set and bang on them with rubber mallet. Use rubber mallet to crush some aluminum cans. Throw crushed cans into the air, yelling "pull" and shooting at them with the handle end of the rubber mallet. Your Step Four: Insert left wall and right wall into floor slot, secure with rubber mallet. Son's Step Four: Attempt to assemble entire shed in a single step, slapping up walls, doors, and roof. Frown when everything falls over like a stack of cards. Reassemble entire shed, frowning when it doesn't fall over like a stack of cards. Wade in and knock everything over like Godzilla taking down Tokyo. Report to father that construction is "impossible." Your Step Five: Slide left and right doors into hinge slots, secure with rubber mallet. Son's Step Five: Respond to father's directive to "finish shed or never eat another meal in our house" by lethargically kicking walls. Notice that rear wall has tabs which look suspiciously like they might fit into floor slots. Halfheartedly insert tabs into slots, blinking in surprise when the wall snaps into place. Duplicate the process with left and right sides, shouting "dude!" repeatedly. Put on roller blades and skate around the block. Your Step Six: Insert Roof into side and back slots, securing with rubber mallet. Son's Step Six: Search for rubber mallet, which was right here a minute ago. Find a tennis ball. Throw tennis ball at shed. Your Step Seven: Insert prop rod into side slot. Your shed is now ready for use! Son's Step Seven: Find a baseball bat. Hit tennis ball over house. Trot around imaginary bases in yard, high-fiving teammates at home plate. Pound shed walls with bat, continuing assault long after they are seated into place. Use bat as a bazooka, destroying enemy tanks, airplanes, and velociraptors. Insert doors, repeating aggressive bat use. Respond to father's inquiry about the pounding noise by explaining "stupid mallet got lost." Son's Step Eight: Turn on hose and fill shed with water to see if it could be used as a swimming pool. Stand in yard for forty minutes, spraying hose at random, slack expression on face. Son's Step Nine: Respond to father's demand to pick up the scattered tools, the hose, the remnants of the box, and everything else by packing it all into the shed. (A final note: After all this, there is still no room in my garage for my car.) Sincerely, W. Bruce Cameron