Dealing with special needs children
By soccermom
@soccermom (3198)
United States
May 4, 2007 7:15am CST
Last night I was put in a situation. I coach U12 soccer, most of these girls are 11. We have one girl who is not really part of the group, she is "slow" mentally, and always seems to have a problem.(the mothers words not mine.) I have talked to the rest of the girls about making her feel like part of the team, and they are doing their best. This girl has a brother and sister that also play soccer and the schedule is hard on her mom, a lot of times she drops her daughter off and runs to another game or practice. Monday at practice her mom brought her, and the girl told me she's not feeling well. Before the mom took off I asked her if her daughter was feeling well enough to practice, she said yes, that something always seemed to be wrong with her and to just ignore her complaining. So we started practice and this girl comes up to me and says she wants to be called "Bill" the rest of the practice. Okay, whatever, we'll call her Bill. Then I notice she's not with the rest of our group. She was off to the side of the field with a bunch of dandelions, lying on her back, dandelions on her chest. I asked her what she was doing and she said,"can't we just lay her and pretend we're dead?" It was creepy, and I told her no and she started to cry and refused to participate. Last night at our game we put her in as a midfielder. She walked off the field in the middle of the game, crying and freaking out. I asked her what was wrong, was she hurt? She starts screaming at me that she wanted to play defense and we always put her in as midfielder, I told her this was the first game she's made it to, the first time she's played this year, and that next time she can play defense. She got so riled up she started to almost hyperventilate. I sat next to her and told her to breathe in through her nose, out through her mouth and relax, she needed to calm down. She told me she can't breathe through her nose, she has a cold and the snot will get stuck in her chest, and on and on. Then she starts screaming at me that she hates soccer, hates her mom, her mom is never at her games, nobody cares about her, etc...I was trying to comfort her and here comes the dreaded golf cart carrying one of my fellow board members. She asked what was going on and I told her, her answer was "what can we do to make this more enjoyable for her?" The answer is nothing. I told the board member I was going to talk to this girls mom, this girl has been in this league for 3 years now and obviously hates it, and if she wants to quit we will refund the money. All I was told is be careful what I say to the mom. The mom came, picked up her daughter before I could talk to her. I plan on talking to her at practice Monday if she shows up, but what do I say without losing my temper? I'm angry that the mom is putting her two "normal" kids before this one, and honestly the team doesn't need these disruptions. I'm irritated that there are 3 nights to choose from to play, yet the mom signed up for her kids to all play the same night. I understand it may be more convenient, but what about her daughter? How would you handle this?
4 people like this
9 responses
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
4 May 07
From what you described I believe that this little girl needs to speak to a professional. I would contact social services to see what they would suggest. This girl has mental problems because of how her mother has treated her over the years. By you speaking to the mother you could make things worse for the child at home. By contacting social services they can get the mother as well as the child the help they need.
3 people like this
@KissThis (3003)
• United States
4 May 07
The reason why I told you to contact social services is because I think that the mother is having trouble dealing with the day to day life of raising a special needs child. Social services can help her find "respite" care. This is when a parent can take a break for a day or two while someone else takes care of the child. It is not only beneficial to the parent but also to a child.
3 people like this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
4 May 07
Sorry I think I misunderstood your first response. i never thought of it that way, by the looks of the mother I'm pretty sure she would welcome a break.
2 people like this
@mamasan34 (6518)
• United States
4 May 07
I don't think your over reacting. I think that you need to treat this with kid gloves. There is no telling what "mom" might do. From the response she gave you about her being well enough to play, I would say she is a bit calloused and resentful towards this little girl. Obviously the child doesn't need to play soccer, she needs to find something she enjoys doing. It apparently bothers her that he mother doesn't pay attention to her and doesn't attend the games and she is feeling left out at home and it is carrying over to ever other aspect of her life. I hope you can find a solution to this problem. Maybe social services is the answer. This woman might need some intervention about some new solutions in her life.
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
25 May 07
Being a mother of a child with special needs, I would never leave my son with anyone that was not comfortable and had not been told how to handle different situations. On top of that, maybe it isn't the game she hates, from what I read, it sounds like maybe she is longing for Mom's attention and approval. Mom or someone special to her should be there to cheer her on. Mom should have known better and it is sad that she cannot see it. Maybe in her mind she is trying to give her independence, but on the other had, the girl sees it as being deserted.
I think I would sit down with the Mom and have a heart to heart with her. I would tell her about what the daughter has said about not being at the games and no one caring about her. I would be very gentle and feel things out. If you feel like you are getting nowhere, maybe a guidance counselor or advocate could help. I am sorry you have been put in this position, but it really needs attention. Just make sure that you act like you really care and are not demanding.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
5 May 07
Well I have to say that is very disturbing as it is obvious that she is not interested in her Daughter and that she is getting away from her
This is a terrible thing and the Girl will get worse
Why make her do something she does not want to do?
I would handle it by having a Word with the Mum as careful as Possible but I somehow get the feeling that the Girl will suffer through it for making a scene
I really hope that you can sort this out without the Girl getting more grief
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
20 May 07
How extremely sad- Sounds like her parents (or mom) is just looking for a way to drop her off and be without her for a bit- It's too bad! If you have a special needs child you should make it a point to be there in case something goes wrong- It is not the coaches responsibility to babysit- It's good that you give her special attention- but the mom needs to be there too- I would tell the mom that there are too many disruptions and that it isn't safe to sit with her child and leave the rest of the team- that she needs to be there or her daughter cannot participate anymore- If not the mom then someone in the family to take care of things when they go wrong- I once coached a boy on t-ball who was a bit slow- His mom stayed right there in the ballpark- she walked while we practiced but checked in several times a practice- He had a few bad days and she took him home- but other than that he cried when he stuck out - but usually had fun and did well.
@leabarton (2)
• United States
5 May 07
I sounds like she has some serious social skills/emotional control issues, or even impulse control issues, and need professional help. Unfortunately, many parents would rather live in the dark on a special need issue than face the fact that their kid has an issue. I have a son with special needs, and while it's hard to accept the special needs, it's even worse, long-term, to ignore it.
I hope the mom gets the girl the help she needs.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
5 May 07
Welcome to MyLot lea. I have a hard time believing any parent could turn a blind eye to this behavior. I don't want to accuse her of anything because I don't know her situation at home. I just can't even look at this girl and not think her poarents have to have gotten her some sort of help and we're just not aware of it. I don't know, I guess I'm going to have to speak to the mom and find out what the deal is.
@gifana (4833)
• Portugal
5 May 07
You surely do have a problem and I am sure it is very difficult to not get riled up over the family situation. While it might not be relevant in this case and perhaps wouldn't work out but let me tell you about my soccer team here in Portugal. The young man who takes care of the uniforms and equipment is mentally retarded. The other team members love him and "play" with him. Every once in awhile he will train with the team as well. He goes every where they go. He has received several awards and he gets his medal when the team wins cup matches. I was just wondering that instead of using this young girl as a player she might not be able to do some other important job. It could also be that her actions may be based on the way the other team members see and treat her. I sure don't envy you but I would just try to keep my head while all others were losing theirs so as not to turn the whole issue into a war.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
15 May 07
Oh wow this is a hard one and You have probably already talked to the mom and handled it just right .What do you say to a parent that has one special child . She should pay some attention to this one and stay for her games has she ever stayed to watch her play?
This is so sad I just cant think of how to say how to handle it but I know you will do it right have faith in you
@miamilady (4910)
• United States
5 May 07
I'm sorry to hear that your board isn't backing you up. You signed on to coach softball, not to be a counceler and babysitter for a special needs child.
I'm the first person to be sympathetic towards kids and parents in difficult situations, but it it isn't fair to you, to be expected to work with and entire team and deal with a child who clearly needs extra attention. If a parent wants to try to mainstream their special needs child, then they also need to help accomadate that child. I feel for her mother also, I can't imagine having to raise 3 children, including one who has special needs. I saw a suggestion above that you contact child services. That might be a good idea, or you could suggest it to the mother. I would also talk to the board members of your league again and try to get some support from them. How many of those boardmembers have worked with this child. It's a lot easier to tell someone else to coach the child than to actually do it. Good luck. I hope you are able to find a good solution.
