Traumatic Family events still Occuring!
By jennybianca
@jennybianca (12912)
Australia
November 1, 2007 10:51pm CST
Some of you know that hubby & I sent his kids home to live full time with their Mother. This was a result of the false allegation they & their Mother made to Police against my daughter. We hired a lawyer for her, but nothing has happened. It is likely that the Police will drop the matter, but Hubby can't wait any longer to see his kids. He has not seen them for 3 months, & desperately wants them back. So he doesn't want to wait until we officially hear that the matter is closed.
He wrote to his ex & said that he wanted contact with his kids to recommence. He rings his kids at least every 2nd night, & last night when he rang, his 14 year old son wouldn't talk to him. That means hubbys ex has received the letter & has told her son bs... about it.
I think it's disgusting the way my step son treats his father. I can't stand it to be honest. He has done this sort of thing to his Dad many times, & hubby always forgives him.
Now hubby made me ring another lawyer to go back to Family Court to not only get his kids back (including his son), but to extend their visits to half the holidays too. He has a right to do that. It going to cost us thousands,& there is a reasonable chance of winning.
But at what cost? Does he really want his agro 14 year old son back? To put up with constant rejection?
The whole situation is having a traumatic effect on both of us, is making me very emotional & my husband sometimes takes it out on me.
7 people like this
10 responses
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
2 Nov 07
Hi Jenny, I'm so sorry you two are going through such a time. His exwife will be the one who pays in the long run but getting there is the hardest part. However I do have some advice for you. Support your husband no matter what. The reason behind that is if he makes a decision and finds it to be the wrong one, he can't come back at you with it. It's ok to tell him what you think but ultimatly it has to be his decision to do what he thinks is best. Also, know this, what ever decision you make and if it turns out the be the wrong decision later on down the road, remember this - it's the right decision at that time so it's never a wrong decision. Just be there for your husband and support what ever he does. One thing you'll know for sure while in the midst of this mess - Right is right and wrong is wrong. There is no way around that. YOU do the right thing and you'll have nothing to worry about. Ok? I hope I've helped in some small way. I dated a guy who had two young boys for almost three years before he was killed so I do know some of what you're going through. Bless you both!
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
2 Nov 07
Thank you very much for your kind comments. The whole situation is incredibly difficult. I have been supporting my husband, but sometimes it is very difficult when he defends his son, knowing the boy has done very wrong.
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
2 Nov 07
That's the painful father figure in him. He's going to defend his son even knowing he's in the wrong because it's him, his dad, he's hurting. Now if he were to commit a crime, his dad may not be so defensive of his son. Please, for the sake of your marriage, support your husband in his time of need. The more you criticize the more you're going to get the brunt of his anger. Love works in weird ways. Support him and you'll see a difference. Don't say anything negative about his son but say something along the lines of "I love you and stand behind what ever you decide to do just please think about what you do before acting upon it." I'll bet you'll see a big difference in him. At first he'll probably be speechless then he'll be so grateful to have such an understanding wife.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Nov 07
Like I mentioned in my rwesponse the son may be getting directions as far as what he says and or feels in a way. Just my feelings is all.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
3 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
2 Nov 07
Teenagers and Exs are a very troubling combination. I can fully understand why your husband would want to see his kids, even if it costs thousands. My husbands's sister, went through a divorce and her son chose to live with his father. His father is very dominating, and gives his son the choice of going with his mother. He chooses not to because he knows if he does, he will pay for it later. She makes him stick to his visitation sometimes, but he makes it so miserable, that alot of the time, she just lets it go. It will be a hard decision to make, but one that no matter what, you need to stand behind your husband on. Be there for him. Talk to a friend about the situation, but make it a friend that can be objectionable, and will just listen, so that you can keep your sanity. Even if it is us. Know that your husband probably doesn't mean to take it out on you and that he is just going through something that he is not in total control of. If you don't have a friend to confide in, please remember that you have us, and we would be happy to listen. Good luck and hopefully things change soon.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
2 Nov 07
This is very kind. I am trying to stick by my husband, in fact I think I do 99% of the time. Unfortunately if I think he is going about something the wrong way round, I usually so say, & this makes him angry.
I am just very concerned that his 14 year old son will let him down, again.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169439)
• United States
3 Nov 07
I do not know what to say because I have not been there. I figure if you do get the kids, you, personally, will probably resent them, and so would your daughter. She is yours, not yours and his, correct? He probably, in all fairness, deserves to have his son with him, and daughter, but would you be able then to isolate them from that trouble mongering ex- wife of his? If so, there might be some hope, if not they will continue to cause both of you lots of grief.On the other hand it might prove to his kids that he really loves them. It is such a hard decision,but you probably need to let him know that you support him in whatever he really thinks is best. Good luck to all of you, and I hope there is some peace of mind out there in all of this.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
4 Nov 07
Yes, she is my daughter, not my husbands.
I have always been able to seperate the kids from their evil Mother.
What I find very hard to do is seperate myself from my steps sons lies & obvious support for his Mothers tactics.I resent him calling the Police. I resent him not talking to his Father on the phone, & lots more.
Hubby wants them back, & I have supported hiom writing a letter to demand their return this coming Friday. As I will be the one to pick them up at changeover, if they are not there, which is likely for the son, I will have to go to the Police, as it is court ordered that the kids have contact with their Father. It could get very messy this Friday!
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
4 Nov 07
If only we could isolate the children, particularly my styep son from their Mother. My husband would love to do that. Tonight he rang, but his son still wont talk to him.
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Nov 07
I was wondering if this situation had been cleared up or taken care of legally. I just hope that this new approach will get you guys advanced somehow. One way or another something needs to be done soon for the kids sake really. The son seems to being pushed or profdded as to waht to say or not say and what to believe in this situation. I feel for you and you and the family are in my thoughts and prayers.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
Legally, no, not yet. One legal aspoect where we had to employ a criminal lawyer is nearly solved I think. I hope to hear the results of that soon.
The next step is a Family Lawyer who I have just made an appointment with. If it means we have to go to Family Court again, which is what my hubby wants, this could take some time & money.
You are verry right that the son is told what to say about his mother, to such an extent that he now firmly believes it.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
It has been my belief for some time that he needs to see a professional, but at the moment because we have no access this can't be done.
His mother would NEVER take him to a child pyschologist, & even via the family court, it is unlikely that we can foirce the issue. However, we are seeing the lawyer in 9 days time, & it is worth me checking with her if a court can have a child assessed.
@dbmax41 (585)
• United States
3 Nov 07
Counseling? To be correct about handling any situation regarding kids and accusations, everyone should be in counseling before authorities step in. Noone is above good counseling. They offer discount rates at most offices. I was in a situation like this once. I did what my very expensive lawyer said, I went to counseling and sent my kids there. It was all over in just a few weeks because who can contradict a psychologist? NONE! Gave me better parenting skills to. Hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
Counselling and/ or seeing a pyschologist is a good idea as I hasve just related above. But the police do not require this to occur, & there was no way we were in a popsition to force the issue.
I am hoping that a Family Court can force a child to be assesed & couselled, if not, wee will have to wait until we have access & take him ourselves.
@Countrymom (371)
• United States
3 Nov 07
It is always hard when you blend two families. You do not mention if your daughter is yours and your husbands or just yours. Its hard when dads can't see their kids and difficult for kids to understand. It sounds like the 14 year old boy is harboring some ill feelings (perhaps persuaded by his mom) towards your hubby. That is so sad. I hope you have great legal counsel and that things work out well for you. Its hard to spend money like that an dnot know where things will end up. Its very tragic when adults cannot get along at least for the kids sake. I wish you the best in dealing with this and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
1 person likes this
@suscan (1955)
• United States
2 Nov 07
What a hard situation. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. It is so sad when a child treats a parent like that. It must be very hard for you to watch your husband being treated badly by his own sad. Hopefully it can be resolved and as the son matures he will realize that his Dad loves him and things will change.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
I hope his son matues too, but I think it will take a very long time before he is not influenced by his evil mother.
@coffeeshot (3783)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
Wow that's pretty intense Jenny. Right now it seems that your son in law doesn't want anything to do with you or his dad but he is at an awkward age. Also, his mother probably has told him untruths. When he is older, he will look back and see that his father made an effort to spend time with him, a big effort in fact. This will hopefully mean a lot to him and can only be positive for their relationship. Also, I think it is natural for your husband to take things out on you. Don't take it to heart-he is probab;y even more stressed out than you. Just let him know that you're there to support him. It sounds like a tough situation and I wish you all the best. Remember that once you've hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. I hope things start to get better soon, hang in there!
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
Step son, not son in law.
Yes, he has been told lots of untruths, in fact his mind is being twisted as badly as his mothers. By her.
I am trying to support my husband as much as possible.
@ctrymuziklvr (11057)
• United States
2 Nov 07
I'm so sorry your family is having to go through this. Mine has been through much the same with my kids and now my daughter had to give up custody of her 13 year old son because he was physically and emotionally abusing her. It's a sad state of affairs to say the least. I can't imagine what your husband is going through but he has to do a lot of soul searching to figure out the right thing to do. I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you by his side....I wish you both good luck no matter what happens....
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
That is terrible that your daughter had to give up custody of her own son, because a 13 year old was physically & emotionally abusing his own Mother.
Our situation hasn't got to the physical stage, yet!
@theprogamer (10532)
• United States
2 Nov 07
And to think... plenty of people say I'm lying whenever I say things like this happen. It happens all of the time, and its terrible!!
Jenny, I can't really say anything to this, but I do want to wish you and your husband strength and hope in this matter. And one reason why the stepson might be acting up is because of either the situation itself or his mother is poisoning him mentally, warping his mind about your husband. Some divorced wives do this with their children.
I'll tell you this. You and your husband need to be careful in court. The courts, lawyers and law lean towards the mother's favour. You have to have a good case and evidence if possible. Also know that some courts will believe what the mother and her witnesses say (be it true or not).
I'll close by wishing you both the best in this. I'm here if needed.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
3 Nov 07
Thank you, yes. It is true that many organisations & individuals believe the mother, no matter what. However, courts in Australia have been legislated that Fathers have equal rights. In fact, the Federal government have brought in a new act that gives tremendous support to Fathers.We will see!
You are also quite right that the mother is poisoning him mentally, has been doing this. Now my step son firmly believes everything she has told him.
