The other side
By arkaf61
@arkaf61 (10881)
Canada
February 6, 2008 9:44pm CST
OK so I've been talking about my mother in law, and God nows how much she disrupted our life and how far she went to damage my marriage to her son. But nothing is ever only black or white, there is a wide range of grays in between.
Yes she is not the nicest person in the world - quite far from it:) - yes, she is not extremely bright. Yes she is selfish and vain etc. , etc. etc. but....
She is a hard worker. Her house is always really nice and clean. She's a good cook when she wants to. ANd she is quite persistent.
I remember still back home she wanted to get another position at her work but she needed to finish grade 9 for it. She only had grade 4 but she went for it and although it took her a bit more time than it might have taken other people, she did it. Here already she decided she wanted to have her driving license. She was already almost 50 years old, and she's had never driven a car before. She went for it. She failed and failed - 5 times - but in the end she got it, even after her husband made fun of her and told her she would probably never get her license.
She's been in Canada for over 20 years. She has never been able to learn enough english to carry a conversation but she still tries and goes to night school. The reason why she has trouble with it , among other things is that she has a bit of a problem earing. SHe was operated to the same ear 3 times and still it didn't help much. But the thing is that she still tries. I admire her for that. I don't like her that much but I admire the good points she has. Other people might just give up, she never does, and that is positive some times.
3 people like this
9 responses
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I think maybe there is one more good trait your mother-in-law has--she raised you husband, right? From what you say of him, it sounds like she did a good job either leading by example or by setting such a bad example that he turned out good despite her. That is something. But she doesn't get any medals just for doing a few things right, not in my book. That doesn't even begin to undo the wrongs she has done to so many people. In addition to being persistent, she needs to get a life. You are obviously way nicer to her than I would be.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
12 Feb 08
I"m afraid it might have been more being a bad example enough. I often think that both he and his sister came out ok given the examples they had.
SHe does need to get a life. And that brings us to something that is not necessarily positive but important for me to keep in mind: she never really had much of a life. For various reasons some even her own doing but still, it is a bit sad.
I know I have been called a softy before for tending to balance what she does and is, but the truth is that a lot of what she is is what she learned from experience from her family as well.
Still she's not completely there ... and she really is mean LOL
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169439)
• United States
7 Feb 08
It is good that you can see and name the good points about your mother in law. You are right, she may have had something happen when she was younger that has made her slow, and strange. I know that it makes you feel better to recognize her good points, it makes you not feel quite so mean spirited. She does have good traits, and would you say she raised a good son?
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
7 Feb 08
I always try to be fair to people even when they're not my favorite people in the world.
She does have some positive traits everyone has and it's fair that I point them out here since I pointed the negative ones too.
As for her children, they do seem a bit saner at least so far, although her daughter is pretty much like her in terms of being a gossip and always ready to talk about others, she is a bit smarter doing it that's all.
Hubby is more like his dad and his dad's family which is really , really good, believe me LOL
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
10 Feb 08
Well I have to agree with you that yes other People would have given up by now
I mean I am that way to I will not give up no matter how long it takes and there is only 2 things I have failed to get there and that is my Marriage that I was trying to fight for and I tried to make it work for 20 years did not succeed failed that one
And the other thing I failed is to fight the Illness to make it disappear and let me go to a normal life well that will never happen either
But I do fight I will not give up and many a time it has been hard but I go there
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
12 Feb 08
Being persistent can be both a blessing and a curse, but in any case it is something that I admire in my mother in law.
I"m glad to read that you are persistent as well and remember failure is nothing to feel bad about, the fact that you tried is what's important :)
@Fishmomma (11658)
• United States
8 Feb 08
I'm glad you let us know the other side of her life. Its never easy to learn English and starting to learn it later in life makes it a bigger challenge. I am glad she keeps trying and doesn't let others make her give up.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
12 Feb 08
No it is not easy specially when your own ears working against you. SO it certainly is something I admire her for. Of course the main reason why she doesn't let other make her give up is because she doesn't really give a rats a$$ about them, but hey it's one of the things that make her have the strength to try over and over again and to improve herself, because even if she's still struggling with it, she is learning something each time.
As much as I might like to find only negatives in her, I couldn't nobody has only negatives, like nobody has only positives. It's the balance of the two that counts.
@david2005 (798)
• Canada
8 Feb 08
I think that it is good for someone to try and try to get something that they truly want cause it shows that they are not going to give up no matter how many times they fail at it.
1 person likes this
@blogger_29 (99)
• Philippines
12 Feb 08
am happy that despite her meddling in your marriage you still manage to see good points in her. and you even admire her for countless reasons. Just always remember that an in-law would always be an in-law and i guess you know what i mean by saying this. just try your best to get along with her and am pretty sure everything would turn out great. :) happy living!:)
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
12 Feb 08
REgardless of what she might have done to our marriage, I have to be fair, and she does have some positive things.
I agree with you that a mother in law will always be one and I am not rude or disrespectful to her, but I"m afraid that is as much as I will do right now. I tried for over 15 years. I was abused, lied to and put down. I became depressed and for years was afraid of even cooking for my family and friends after years of hearing her talking about my cooking.
I saw her treating my kids unfairly and being put down at times that they needed encouragement.
I am done trying my best to get along with her, and I have been in peace for the first time in many years. But, I will always treat her with respect and will help her if she needs. That's just about how far I will go now.
@misheleen73 (6037)
• United States
7 Feb 08
It's nice that you can look beyond the negative and see the positive. A lot of people wouldn't be able to do that. More or less, she is who she is and you have to take that at face value. Regardless of whether or not you like her, she's going to be a part of your life. Its best to work with what you'v egot and not let it upset you too much.
1 person likes this
@Perspectives (7131)
• Canada
12 Feb 08
When I read this discussion I must say that it says a lot about who you are...and your ability to accept the 'shadows and light' within your mother in law's makeup. Whenever we have personal issues with anyone it can be challenging to 'get over ourselves' enough to acknowledge their good traits.
In my view your presentation here of what you see in her that you respect speaks volumes about how fair-minded and objective YOU are. I respect that and say...good for you Arkaf61! It is regrettable that someone with the qualities you have stated here is also insensitive to the effect they are having on their loved ones. It takes courage and an ability to 'get real' with ourselves and when we are not ready to do so mirroring from others can be very uncomfortable.
Hopefully with your presence within that family dynamic she may eventually accept your honoring of her and eventually feel emotionally safe enough to work on the parts of her personality that have a negative impact on others.
Anyway, I appreciate your objectivity and ability to accept what you cannot change...at least for now.
Warm and caring regards,
Raia
