More assertiveness needed
By arkaf61
@arkaf61 (10881)
Canada
March 14, 2008 3:31pm CST
I am quite assertive, when it comes to my friend, my job or any outside relationship.
But when it comes to family I am sadly powerless.
I even know in part why, and where this comes from. But it doesn't make a difference because I can rarely fight it.
I have helped hubby's aunt as much as I possibly can. I do my share of staying with grandma even after I come from work, so aunt can be out to do things she needs. I have even stayed there for the night a few times when aunt had to be away.
Sometimes I had a rough day at work and all I can think is about coming home and relax and then get a call from aunt asking me to please stay with grandma because she has to go to a funeral home or a doctor's appointment. I go willingly because I know that it's very difficult to take care of grandma 24/7 without being able to go out and do even the small things that are needed.
But this week... it was my week. I planned to rest. TO really relax and de-stress.
Plus her son came from Japan on monday.
She called me twice this week to stay with grandma for a bit. I know it's not a big sacrifice, but I really was counting on the march break to recharge my batteries. I had things to do at home that I was doing slowly as I rested. Going there to stay with grandma even for 3 or 4 hours only changed my rhythm and unbalanced my plans.
Both times she wanted to go somewhere with her daughter in law. But her son could have stayed with grandma. It's her grandma too, he is away so he never stays with her, and he can do the job as well or better than I do. He's certainly stronger to move grandma from the bed to the chair if needed.
But I still have trouble saying no. And I rarely do.
WHich is a contradiction with the way I am able to say it if it's not family related.
Anybody else that struggles with this issue?
What are ways that you have been able to deal with it?
1 person likes this
3 responses
@theprogamer (10532)
• United States
16 Mar 08
Seems like you might be facing more than one enemy here. On the inside its guilt and obligation to your family. On the outside, it might be the expected reactions from the family if you say "no" (shaming, vitriol, less contact, etc).
It takes quite a bit to fight both for some people, but you can get over it. You do need to voice when such arrangements are very trying to you. There is no sense in taxing yourself excessively for family. If its too much you have to let them know and you need to voice this.
Alright, if that doesn't work lets think of it this way. It's impossible to say "no" to the family... is it also impossible to say "help me" to them too? That's what family is supposed to do. They should help you out with your problems as you have for them. If its not reciprocal, then you have to re-evaluate the situation overall. You have a right to be heard by your family. If they won't hear you out, if they won't be reasonable, then you really shouldn't have restraint saying NO! It does not make you heartless or cold. Family members have to say no at times. Being asked to do straining, difficult and nearly impossible things should merit "no" without any regret and without holding back (or at the very least the CHOICE of saying no without problems from the family).
Yes I struggle with this issue, and I'm still trying to assert myself. Its far worse for me since everyone is getting so old (borderline to full on senile) and the mindset is more of a "do as I say no matter what" type of thinking. "Swell..." -_-
2 people like this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
24 Mar 08
I'm horrible about these things family, friends or strangers I'm not at all assertive - this is something I have tried to work on for years because I know a lot of times I'm being taken advantage of because I'm not more assertive.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
30 Mar 08
Once I started working I learned fast that I needed to be assertive or else I would always be taken advantage of - I like to help and I do it, but on my terms.
But with family I was never able to do it and I have to really work on this. I have been better for the past few years but still not assertive enough :)
@Winter08 (441)
• Canada
16 Mar 08
Do you remember that slogan that went around years ago? 'Just say no."
It sounds good on the surface. But just try doing it and it very quickly becomes apparent that "just say no" just won't cut it when we are heavily emotionally invested in the situation.
And family tops the list in emotional investment.
I started saying "no" about the time I realized I was just too physically exhausted to do anything for anybody. And angry because of the tiredness and because of my disappointment with myself for not saying no when I knew I should be saying no.
It took me a long time to be able to do it. And a lot of guilt about doing it. And I still don't do it well or gracefully. But I could not handle the anger I was feeling. I had to count myself as just as important as whatever was being asked of me.
I wish you all the best is discovering your best solution.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
16 Mar 08
I know. It's something that should be easy, but ends up to be extremely difficult.
I have been able to bring myself to say no a few times but it was really complicated.
I am sure that I will be able to deal with this at some point, but still can't.
However I am very close to the point you describe.
1 person likes this
