How do you find common ground again?
By cynddvs
@cynddvs (2948)
United States
March 30, 2008 12:57am CST
My husband and I have been having some serious issues here lately. Actually I guess they are mainly my issues with him since things don't seem to be bothering him too much. Here is the deal. Before having my daughter I used to like going out, staying out late and hanging out with friends. And that's what my husband did too. Well every since we've had our daughter my going out days are over. Don't get me wrong I still get a night out here and there to hang out with the girls. But it's nothing excessive (maybe once a month at most). My husband however still goes and hangs out with his friends (who are all single with no kids) all the time. Now this wouldn't be an issue with me as long as he did it in moderation and didn't stay out late. He goes to hang out at his friends house 3 sometimes 4 times a week. And when they hang out he doesn't come home until around 3:30am. And until I seriously got onto him last week there were nights when he wasn't coming home at all and wasn't calling me to let me know he wasn't coming home. I jumped all over him and told him that was completely disrespectful and I wasn't going to stand for it any longer.
Now here is where I need advice. I think our main problem is that we don't seem to have any common ground besides our daughter right now. All I do is stay at home and play with her, work, and keep things around the house orderly and occassionally hang out with my friends. My husband says that he just gets bored when he's at home and he feels like he needs to get out. I don't care getting a sitter and going out every now and then. But I want to figure out some things that we can do at home to keep each other occupied so he's not constantly wanting to leave. How do married couples do it? I'm just so sick of being her by myself with my daughter all of the time. What should I do?
4 people like this
9 responses
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
31 Mar 08
When my Hubby and I were first getting to know each other we knew that I couldn't have children and he didn't want any more children (he had one teen from a previous marriage). I wanted to make sure that we had enough in common that even without kids we'd be happy and content. We both share a love of movies, pc's, books, games, opinions, views and religion. We spend 90% of our time together now that he's disabled and we rarely if ever fight. We each have our own quiet time (mine's in the morning, his is at night) but we also spend most of the day together.
My ex and I had very little in common. He was a party hog who loved to go out, shoot pool, drink, run around with his buddies and go to truck pulls. I liked to stay home, bake, watch movies, play boardgames and work on my sewing. We had nothing in common and eventually things fell apart and we split up (well that and he was a low-down cheatin' dog) :)
Anyways, find what the two of you have in common. Surely, you had other things in common before your child.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
@subha12 (18441)
• India
31 Mar 08
it is really worrying.
i think you are justified.
His attitude is not at all acceptable. he is having his blast of life despite the fact that you are at home with the kid.
He should atleast let you know why he was not able to return home.
I think have serious talk with him and decide the next move.
@chertsy (3797)
• United States
31 Mar 08
From what I have read, your jealous of your husband being able to just up and walk out for the night without any care. You know what, it's ok to be jealous, because it's not fair. What you should do is sit his a*s down and place your child in his lap and leave for a few hours, don't give him a chance to do anything about it. As your walking out, say the bottles are ready to go, she's been changed, but might need to change her in a few, have fun, I'm out and shut the door behind you.
How can a man be bored being around the woman he married and with the child he help create.
Seriously, sit him down and have a really good talk about your marriage. Honestly, if you don't you will be heading for divorce.
2 people like this
@Samanthavv (1380)
• United States
30 Mar 08
Wow. If I were you I would try to MAKE some common ground. Find something he likes to do, and plan some time to do it. Does he like watching movies? Pop some popcorn, grab a couple sodas, cuddle up on the couch and watch one. Just showing some effort to do something with him that HE enjoys, goes a long way.
@miller1978 (1101)
• United States
30 Mar 08
I would say you need to plan a night in together. Pick a day, write it on the calendar, and keep the "in house" date. You need to choose something you both enjoy that will give you time to talk and spend time together so you can reconnect with each other. I have heard over the years that many experts say that people need to still date even after marriage. I would start out with the once a month thing and step it up to once every 2 weeks if this starts to work.
Another thing to think about is to sit down together and talk about what is bothering the both of you. Don't yell and scream because he will just automatically shut down on you. Start there and work on things slowly.
Don't get to nit picky or he will take off and you will have bigger problems ahead. Hope this helps you a little bit. Good Luck with your relationship.
2 people like this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
30 Mar 08
Unfortunately everything changes when you have a child, and very usually one partner seems to grow up more quickly than the other. You both seemed to have been living pretty seperate lives before your daughter came along, but now that she is here your life has changed and yet your husband still continues to live the same life he had before. That is not fair as he is as much a father for your daughter as you are a mother, you have had to change your social life and so it is only fair that he does the same and at least compromises his nights out, and you need time together too. I am married and we occasionally have a night out together and then sometimes I have a night out with my sister in law and my husband will go out maybe once a month with his mates, we have 4 kids and so nights out are rare due to money, or lack of it. You could try having a special night once a week set aside where you do something together, at home take all the things you know he likes and the things he likes to do and put them together to make a special at home night together. Try and get to know each other, find all the things that first attracted you to each other. It is hard when the children start coming and it does feel like you lose sight of each other, a man finds it just as hard after the birth of a child as a mum does. I have been through all this with my hubby and we did a lot of talking, talking about our feelings now that we had children to consider. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say, its hard to get what I am trying to say down in words!! I hope that you can sort it out and rediscover each other and bring yourselves closer together again. Take care.
2 people like this
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
1 Apr 08
My husband and I only have two rules in our disagreements.
a) Always be FAIR and listen, be equal
b) Most logical point closes the argument.
The other day we were about to fight about car insurance. I thought it would be cheaper to stay in the carpool to work, and he thought it would be an imposition, because co-workers aren't on the same schedule as he is.
I thought car insurance would be too expensive, but he finally explained to me that if we get a USED car, we can get liability insurance, and not worry about the more expensive kind.
In THIS case he had the last word, mainly because he explained to me something I dind't know previously, and it made sense.
Another time he wanted to skip the car and just get some kind of scooter to ride in on. It would be cheaper. I worried about safety, and what if he was in an accident? A car offers more protection, AND it would not be practical to hurry, spend the money, when in another week or two we will be able to afford a car.
I had the last word in THAt discussion because I made the more logical point.
Our common ground is logic.
1 person likes this
@ximeiguang (168)
• China
3 Apr 08
Go out and support your daughter and yourself on your own effort. Try your best and you will find that charm comes back to you!
1 person likes this
@erictsuma (9725)
• Mombasa, Kenya
2 Mar 21
Don't give up just continue to let him know what you feel about his changed behavior.
