I Hurt. Why Does It Hurt?

Wow, my friend, this is one heck of a situation to be in, but you obviously love your husband, in that you want to get counselling and try to keep your marriage alive. The way I see it, your hubby cares for you, but he's not considerate of your feelings as far as his sons are concerned. It's only natural for a mother to love her own son more, when she's with him every day, and only seeing his other son at weekends, or alternate weekends, especially as the other son is intent on causing problems for you. Also, you didn't know the other son until he was five, and you missed the mother/child "bonding" process, during his early years. I'm trying to think of a way for you to gain the other son's respect, but he's obviously "jealous" that his father is with your son constantly, and he only gets to see him at weekends, so he's trying to get his dad's attention, and get "one up" on your son by tittle-tattling to his mother. I think, perhaps, rather than taking yourself and your son away at weekends when the other son visits, it might be worthwhile chatting with your hubby about ways to bond the family and welcome his son in more. If your hubby knows you're trying, and have agreed on a strategy, then the ex's complaints will be so obviously unfounded. It needs working at, but if you really want to stay together and form a tight bond which she can't break, then I think this is what you have to work on. I'll try to give you some suggestions... I used to be live-in housemother in a children's home, and sometimes the kids used to fall out. I had my own two boys there, and obviously, I loved my own two boys more than the other kids, but I had to try and find "middle ground", so that the other eight wouldn't feel left out. I had two days off each week, where a stand-in came in and looked after the kids until I came home at night, so I did get two days a week quality time with my own boys, and I had a separate room, where I could take my own boys for a couple of hours family time. Ok... for the rest of the time, when we were all together, I gave the kids their chores, just like I would have done for my natural family. They rotated from day to day... things like laying the table, taking out the dirty dishes, putting the trash out, washing and wiping up, etc. etc. If they didn't do their chores, they didn't get their pocket money, but I rarely had any trouble. Whilst they were doing their chores, I would hang around them and chat with them, in an attempt to make chores an enjoyable thing. I "involved" them and taught them to work together as a team. They all attended school, so at weekends, I would pack a picnic, with their help, (they'd each have their own backpacks with their picnic in, and all the same, unless they had a dislike for a particular item, which was then replaced). We'd set out for the local park, more often than not... sometimes to the adventure playground, in the woods... where we used to have great fun. Nobody was given anything more than the others and they were all encouraged to join together and have fun... which they did. Ok, we had little minor disputes, but they were soon sorted when I found them something to do together. The park is sort of cut into the side of the hills, so there's a high bank, all the way round. Now, don't laugh, but I used to join in with this, as part of my bonding process... I was only 26 at the time, but I thought they'd enjoy themselves more if I joined in, so "fate to the wind!" ha ha ha. I joined in walking to the top of the bank, and rolling down with them. It was frightening at times, but they thought it was great that I joined in, and were more willing... even the withdrawn little girl... to play together. We also played football and other ball games, as a team... nobody was allowed to stay out. (Sorry... long story). We'd have caravan holidays too, and great times on the beach, collecting shells and unusual stones in a bucket. Obviously, with little money, you couldn't afford a weekend away or something, but you could put nature to use, in a bonding process between the two boys. Rather than take your son away when the other comes for the weekend, tell your hubby you think the marriage is worth saving, and that you want to try your best to welcome his other son as a family member, and to gain his trust and respect; that the constant divide is giving you pain. Love is a different thing... you can't possibly be expected to love him in the same way as you do your own child, but you can love him as a child, as I did the kids in the home. I'm assuming from your post, that his other son is an only child, and is used to not having to share with other kids, except when at school, so he's claiming his dad and his territory, I think. Well, make your presence felt, and that of your own son's, but try to welcome him into the family, and teach him that you'll care for him, unconditionally, and that going home telling tales to his mother won't wash with you. Make it a two-way thing... you try your best, and involve him so that he tries his best too. Give him something exciting to go home and tell his mum. You could even do as I did, and give the boys pencil/pen and an exercise book, and each time you go out, encourage them to sit down and write about what they enjoyed about the trip, what made them happy, whether they would like to do it again, what they saw, where they would like to go next time... the same place or somewhere else, etc, etc. Obviously your son can't write but he can draw pictures and they'll tell you a story. For instance, if he draws the both of them playing together, you know he enjoys the other son's company. There are lots of things you can do for free, the park, the beach (if you're close), the woods, anything adventurous or nature based. Kids love it. I don't know how you feel about this, but I think if you can create harmony within your own home, and make your hubby's other son feel "wanted", without excluding your own son, then half your problems will be solved. The initial key is to talk with your hubby and make him understand how much you want to welcome his son into the family unit, and for him to be happy when he visits. Thus, I feel, you'll avert a lot of arguments between you and won't be looking over your shoulders all the time, for somebody to "blame?" In fact, there will be no grounds for blame, because the tales to the boy's mum will be ones of fun and happiness. Good luck with this. It could be a long, uphill climb, but with perseverance and understanding, you'll get there, I'm sure. I think I have your e-mail address, so perhaps I can check with you how things are going? I'd really like to help. Brightest Blessings. x

i feel really bad about your situation. i would not know also what to do if i were in your situation. maybe you could stay with your parents while both of your emotions settle? sometimes its hard to make the right move when we are overcome by emotions. personally, i don't believe in counselling that much. i think if the couple really loves one another, they would not need a mediator. if love is only one way, then why would the other partner suffer? just be strong for your kid. don't let your husband shove you and hurt you. just pray and eventually things will get better. good luck.