actions
being true to one self
feelings
gratification
people
relationships
responsiblity
selfishness
Excuses...excuses.....
By arkaf61
@arkaf61 (10881)
Canada
September 16, 2008 11:32pm CST
I sometimes say this to my kids and the kids at school, but they're.... well, kids. It kind of bothers me more when I have to say it to adults. Maybe it's just me.
My friend Lisa - fictional name even though if I wrote her real name you wouldn't know her either :) - has been married for 15 years. She has 3 kids. She is an intelligent and sensible adult. Yet, she is using old excuses to justify what isn't justifiable - in my opinion, of course.
She is having an affair with another married man. Funny how people's perspectives change overnight. I am her confident, I hear it all. I hear when she's happy, when she's upset, when her and hubby are fighting, which is rare. I hear all the details, often more than what I really want to know.So how come up to a few weeks ago, her marriage was fine, hubby was a great guy and was giving her all she could possibly want - in all areas material, emotional, physical - ?
I started wondering when suddenly hubby became this bad guy, that wasn't even good in bed - Boy oh boy after all the confidential/private things I heard?
So last night when she called me with even more hubby complains I asked the question straight and without icing : Are you having and affair?
Yep, yesiree , sure am, but of course. How did I know? Duh... I recognize the whole thing. For some reason people tend to confide on me, even/ specially when I prefer not to know. I've heard all that she had to tell me before. There seems to be this manual that all people in that situation read and take their excuses from. Just they don't even realize it.
Finally she gave me the final excuse/argument: We can't control our feelings. Maybe not, but we sure can control our actions. That's what makes us different from animals and ... teenagers I guess :) We learned how to control our actions, or we're supposed to.
I think I hate that excuse more than any other. What the person is telling me is" I"m too weak and even if I have any values I can't apply them in this case because... well... you know... it's a feeling.... how can I fight it? I'm a little girl/boy that didn't learn how to control my actions yet." We're suppose to have a brain that controls our emotions, not the other way around. SUre, I'm not saying it has to be easy, but it's either being selfish enough not to give a damn about what we do to others and ourselves, or stop to think about what our actions are doing. No point on putting the blame on the other person either because it's not others we can control, it's ourselves.
ANd then she added what for her was the punchline: "My first husband cheated on me! You know that. I was never able to get over it, I was so hurt!" Ah! Now I understand.... since she was so hurt by what her ex-husband and some other women did to her, she decided the best thing to do was to inflict the same pain to someone else. I got it! Or do I? I'm sorry, it doesn't make sense to me.
I know that many in here might thing that this is ok. That everyone does it. That the marriage is over anyways... so what's the problem?
THe thing is, although it sometimes happen like that, the clean way out is in this order: 1st: get out of the marriage 2nd: then after there's freedom to find someone else.
The flaw here is that often - not always, but often- the marriage is not over, it starts being bad only after the person is either already having the affair or considering it. Suddenly, the spouse has all the faults and then some. Suddenly there's this amnesia and it's complicated to find any positive things in the marriage.
Sure, there might be some issues in the marriage, there always are some things here and there. But usually things that haven't been a big issue before and could be worked out.. if only the person didn't plunge into this other new relationship, that will take away rational thinking for a while. Enough to do the damage.
I had a .. not even friend, more like an acquaintance that tended to confide in me for some reason that told me after her affair was over " It was like my brain was in this big cloud and I couldn't think straight. If I ever even consider such thing again, hit me on the head!" OH I wish I had that chance I would certainly hit hard.
But back to my friend. The excuses continue, of course. "Things weren't that good with us ( her and hubby) for some time" - hmm either you've been lying to me for years, or you have a great imagination " Oh his wife doesn't care, she doesn't love him, is just with him because of the kids"- Who still believes in this oh so used excuse? I heard that one from almost everyone that was in that situation. ANd in the end, 8 out of 10 where lies, just to justify/excuse the affair. The other two I couldn't say if they were true or not, but I did witness the pain and loss of self esteem coming from the affairs.
I don't know. I don't even know what the point of this discussion is. What makes a person want to be in this situation? Or continue in this situation?
OH well, I just had to let this out,and I"m sorry it is long, but I really have a problem with people not taking responsibility for their actions and trying to justify them just because they have feelings. Everyone has feelings. IT's how one acts on them that makes the difference.
So, do you agree that people can't control their feelings? What about their actions?
3 people like this
8 responses
@34momma (13882)
• United States
17 Sep 08
now this is a very interesting post. I think, rather I know we all have control over what we do and even how we allow ourselves too feel. I think as you said saying you didn't have any control over that is a cop-out. and one that is used so often. when we learn that we are in control of ourselves every minute of everyday we will all have better lives, we may not be in controll of everything that happens in our lives, but we are damn sure in control about how we act or rather re-act to what goes on in our lives.
excuse are what we tell ourselves so that we allow situations control our lives instead of us controling it
@mercuryman3a (2477)
• India
18 Sep 08
Well you never really plan an affair. It just happens.You do not realise it at first. it is all fun and frollic, till it suddenly becomes serious and emotions get involved. Then y ou are in a bind. You do not know which way to go. pull out of it or carry on with it. By teh time you realise, it is more often too late to pull out. There is more hurt and more emotional problems. It is more often that the near and dear ones get hurt and children the most. If you take a decision while it is still fun and frolic, it is ok or else it will hurt.
A little bit of flirting is good for marriages, but serious involvement creates more problems.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
18 Sep 08
Yes, I understand all that. And I believe than in most cases an affair is not planned. A boundary overstepped here, a secret shared there, and before the person realizes it they're deep into it. I know all that. But there is a time when one has to thing about own actions. A time when one has to think . That time when one has to choose acting one way or the other and it's not just a game anymore.
The time when one realizes.. hey this is where I am at. This is what I'm doing. And then choose to go ahead or stop it right there.
The time before one starts making excuses.
ANd you're eight, it does bring more problems than what it solves. For everyone involved - cheated and cheaters alike.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
17 Sep 08
I've found the excuses for cheating and affairs are always the same and it's always one excuse after the other too. People just cannot admit that they're having an affair because they simply want to. They want to blame everyone and everything else for them not being able to control themselves.
I experienced this first hand practically when my partner crossed some boundary lines a few years ago. I was told pretty much every excuse in the book for what happened. And, I've never been given a definite answer as to why it happened either. I was blamed. I was told they like to mess around with people's minds and then it go too far and a whole other slew of B.S information. And, the whole thing came out of nowhere itself. Everything was fine and then suddenly, for a few months, I was this terrible person that did everything wrong to them and that wasn't deserving enough of conversation and all of this other fun stuff. I contemplated ending the relationship for several weeks before the actual incident occured.
Then, it was pretty much treated as a joke, like it wasn't a big deal, and like I had no right to be mad. So whenever I got mad or wanted to discuss it, I was told to let it go because it wasn't a huge deal and never was. Then I was told it was pretty much my fault.
People that cheat tend to go around in circles with their excuses. And the excuses get stranger and stranger when they don't like the fact you don't believe what they have to say.
The simple fact is, they wanted to cheat. You can't control feelings, sure, but you should be able to control your actions. You can see yes or no to doing something, it's really not that hard, some people just don't want to admit they're completely responsible.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
18 Sep 08
You're so right on how excuses get stranger and stranger - while making less and less sense.
I've been there too in the past and then I've keep hearing about it from others. The pattern is always the same even thought they like to think that they are original.
ANd yes... even when people are taken by surprise - it happens - there still is a choice - to act or not to act. We control that and no excuses .
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
17 Sep 08
Well put! It is not that people cannot control their feelings, it is that they don't want to. Well, yes, they CAN control their actions. I would have no further use for a friend like that. If she will cheat on the one most special person that she swore to honor, then how would she treat a friend if the chips were down. If she wants to go cavort with a married man, she should first leave her husband, in my opinion, but not keep on using him while she does her selfish thing. What is she, a person or a rabbit. No offense to the rabbits...
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
18 Sep 08
LOL yes rabbits don't deserve being even compared:)
I have a problem with this and it's a pity because we have been good friends for a long time. More than that I didn't expect this from her. But I have learned about way too many situations like this to know that they can happen from nothing. Even people I consider to have good brains and important values. Heck, even people that later can't believe they did that! - I know at least one that still is dealing with the fact that did something she always condemned! - What is it? What makes people forget everything else?
Oh well... I'm with you on this one - as usual :) - it can be controlled. THey don't want to, and then use silly excuses to shake the responsibility of their shoulders.
@izathewzia (5134)
• Philippines
18 Sep 08
Saying a lot of excuses or an excuse is really irritating most of the time. Especially if the truth is already facing you. Better shut up if you can not say anything true. Because excuses does not cover up everything. But worsen it.
@chabawel (329)
• Philippines
17 Sep 08
My question is, how are you handling all this as a friend? Are you emotionally involved on how your friend deals with her life?
Hope you put some boundary on your feelings for your friend and her actions. I know you don't agree the direction your friend took especially that you're witnessing how she's destroying her marriage. And I know, you love your friend and it hurts you to see her self destruction.
If she doesn't have self control regardless what the past she had undergone, she won't be able to handle life's pressure. She will be lost in the abyss of her wrong actions if your friend doesn't realize soon what she's doing to herself and to her marriage.
As a friend, you can only do so much. But, if you have enough of listening to her woes especially when your friend was the one responsible putting herself in that mess, then stop being there for her in the meantime.
This way, it will teach her to understand the meaning of "CONSEQUENCE of her actions"
Everyone has self control. It depends how each of us use it. There's no wrong or right in our decision making. Just know how you face the consequence of the actions taken.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
17 Sep 08
Well I am here, but involved just to a point. The one where I will be there if she needs me. But not the one that is going to agree with her or support her in this issue.
The consequences are all hers. I can remind her of what they can be, but not take them away from her.
I am the first person reminding everyone that as a rule there is no right or wrong, just what works for each person. However, I believe that when our actions affect/hurt others right and wrong is to be considered.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
17 Sep 08
I can understand how feelings sometimes come up without owners permission. This is actually natural. However I also believe in controlling how one reacts to those feelings. That's what makes us.. hmmm people. We can control our actions.
At this point any advice I can give my friend won't really do much. Not at this stage.
But later one, it might.
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
18 Sep 08
I guess it is a matter or priorities that makes a difference on how a person acts.
If he or she values family over self, then having affairs is usually the last thing on their mind.
I mean, we are all human. We all have feelings of lust from one time to another.
It is a matter of how we handle that lust that makes the difference between a family staying together and breaking one.
I am sure your friend succumbed to lust and is then finding excuses to justify her actions rather than face up to the consequences.
I bear witness to such things as well. It is sad. But what can you, as an outsider, do?
Just pray that the issue will play out amicably and that no one will be to badly hurt from the whole ordeal.
