In laws and guilt
By sedel1027
@sedel1027 (17846)
Cupertino, California
October 4, 2008 10:27pm CST
Do your in-laws guilt you into stuff?
My husband is scheduled to leave for boot camp on October 14th or 21st. HE called to tell my MIL and she made a big deal over me calling her and doing all kinds of stuff with her. Now, my husband was in the Army before we met. When he went in his girlfriend at the time lived with his family (her parents were abusive). My MIL drove this girl so crazy, she moved in with her grandmother.
Now, we live at least an hour away from my MIL. We may see them every other month right now. I am pretty self sufficient. My ex husband was in the Army and if he was home 1 week a month, If I need anything, I would go to my folks first because a) they can afford it, b) they are a lot closer, c) they are over here all the time (I swear I see them more now than when we lived 5 minutes away).
I am not saying that I won't see them. I figure I will see them at least for Thanksgiving and Christmas, maybe for my birthday. Plus, we are going over there next weekend. Oh, I am suppose to be paying her way to get to his graduation mid-January (so long 12 hour car ride + 3 days in SC + 12 hour car ride back).
Last night my husband starts talking about how I have to call his Mom and make up some need I have or she is going to be personally offended. Ergh.
I don't see why she would be offended. I know she thinks of me as one of her kids (my husband says she loves me more than any of her kids LOL) and thinks of my son as her first grandson. But personally offended?!? 
I know he was tell me that because she said it! Talk about guilt.
I know he was tell me that because she said it! Talk about guilt.2 people like this
4 responses
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
5 Oct 08
First of all did you inquire as to what need you have?? Because it can't be because you have no mom or anything,sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom, so I was just curious about that..
You also didn't mention if there was a FIL..Maybe your MIL will feel lonely and she might need you to keep contact, especially if she doesn't get along with her other children..I am not saying what it said was correct, just trying to see it from their side..But if she has someone, a husband or another child that she is close to, then yeah, you shouldn't be forced into keeping contact any more often than you do now.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
6 Oct 08
I don't think she is worried that I will actually need anything.
My step-FIL isn't too worried LOL He doesn't want to be bothered (not that I blame him he is in his early 50's and does construction all day)
She may be lonely but I don't know how she could be. It is her, step-FIL, my SIL and my niece living under one roof (the house is super small, so they are crammed in like sardines). She goes to school and when she is home she watched my niece so my SIL can go to school. She doesn't really have any friends though.
The problem is that she isn't really close to anyone. She has 2 daughters, one lives with her, the other is in New York, my BL is 2 hours away at college and comes home fairly often. Then we are fairly close by, maybe an hour away. She probably sees us the most right now. Out of all the kids, my husband is the most like her.
I just don't get WHY she is like this. She wants all of her kids out of the house, completely gone by 18...then wants to have this huge close relationship with me?
A few months ago I was debating whether to take the job I have now or take a job that required training. The training was in between my Moms and her house. She offered me her daughters bed and said when I was there she would have to stay over at her boy friends (which is often does anyway). I just don't get it...what makes me different than her own kids?
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
12 Oct 08
I understand she likesm e, but something I read on another forum reminded me of her. The girl said that when her husband went to boot her mother-in-law smothered her because "she was the only link that she had to her son."
Honestly, I am not sure they care!
The daughter with the baby, just moved in with her boyfriend - who is almost fully supporting her (he is a great guy and has an awesome job), but she is still leeching off of her mom for things like gas and complaining to her dad about how dirty her moms house is, etc!
I am sure on some level she feel abandoned, especially now....What are they going to do about it though. Her husband has to work, her other son is an hour away from school...I guess it is empty nest syndrome, which is weird since she just about pushed all of them out of her home.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I don't know sedel, maybe she really likes you and sometimes that can be negative, especially is she makes you feel obligated to pay so much attention to her..Have you talked to the family about this? See what they say or will it turn against you? (I know people have a way of turning our words agaisnt us and sometimes it is best to say nothing)
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
5 Oct 08
Unfortunately, I don't get along with my MIL...thankfully she lives 3 states away I don't have to deal with her. To be honest, none of Hubby's family has much to do with him. I don't know why but he's always been a loner and hasn't had alot of closeness with his family. It doesn't seem to bother him and we get along good so it's ok.
[b]**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
6 Oct 08
Sometimes having family that doesn't bother with you isn't a bad thing!
My FIL lives in Maryland right now. We don't hear from him, or step-MIL or their kids that often. He doesn't 100% get along with anyone, he tries, but doesn't really work...Always seems like FIL agrees with my husband then goes and calls my MIL or one of my SIL and complains...ergh...I don't' even think my husband is going to tell him that he is leaving for boot camp soon. I feel bad though, I think the man should at least know what my husband is up to and have the opportunity to come to graduation if he chooses, on the other hand, if he isn't supportive, why bother?
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
6 Oct 08
My inlaws used to guoilt me into stuff that I did not want to do. I finally put a stop to it though. I hated the way I felt when I did not want to do something. I wasn't any less appreciated either. You have to learn to just say no.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
6 Oct 08
Well, it isn't like I dont' want to see her, but I don't want her up my butt either. I know she is lonely - even though she has a full house and goes to school - so I do feel bad. On the other hand, I don't need one more thing to feel obligated about on my plate.
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
5 Oct 08
I think that it's a little over board but still very... nice. I would just try to call her as often as possible, and talk to her for a few minutes each day, maybe try to see her twice a month instead of just once, but with the way gas is, I don't know if that would be wise. Maybe you could have your son stay with her for a few days, say it's a "getaway" for you to relax and get things organzied while your hubby is gone to boot camp.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
5 Oct 08
I am going to try to talk to her, but I am not going out of my way to do it.
Right now her house is a mad house! About a year ago they downsized because all of the kids were suppose to be gone by August. My SIL got pregnant at the end of 2006. She lived with her dad for awhile but couldn't get along with the step-mother. So she moved back home. Right now they have 3 adults and a toddler crammed into a small (like 1600 sq ft) 3 bedroom. My MIL just started school and when she isn't there she babysits my niece. I don't even know how she has time to worry about me LOL
I think what it all boils down to is 2 things:
1) She wants a friend but doesn't want to seem needy
2) She feels guilty about never being able to help us out when we need it and always having to take help from us
I am afraid that even if I keep in contact with her she is going to be calling non-stop. I really like her and we have a strong relationship (probably better than I have with my Mom and I know she gets along better with me than her daughters), I don't want this experience to ruin that.
