My First Sonnet
By Luvandpower
@luvandpower (2048)
United States
December 4, 2008 4:12pm CST
Love is like the wing of a bird
That is smooth in every way
and has the scent of the beauty of early May
where at the park all that is seen must be heard
that is swiftly flowing into one's heart
which has increased to a fast thump
you will never feel like your in a slump
but you will feel like someone just told you that you were smart
love is in the air
and it is moving so swift
throughout all of this earth
there is nothing that can make a rift
because love is so very fair
possibly even as sweet as birth.
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this is the very first sonnet I ever written. I am planning on doing a term poem ( not a paper ) over this sonnet and I wanted to know what could be improved, what to keep. It is due in like three weeks so the better i get responses the better it will be. this is written in Italian sonnet form if I remember correctly.
2 responses
@smartie0317 (1610)
• United States
4 Dec 08
I'd also put more caesuras in this. By doing that, it will make more sense. Italian sonents had more puncatation than your's does right now. Sorry, I forgot to put this in my last post.
@luvandpower (2048)
• United States
4 Dec 08
you are right, this was a sonnet from like 5 years ago, i am just trying to see what everyone else sees before i actually revise it, for my term poem. thanks tell me if you see any other problems with it.
@smartie0317 (1610)
• United States
4 Dec 08
It's not in iambic pentameter. Also, all of the lines have uneven numbers of syallbles. I mean, one line has a lot while one like has a lot less. I think all of the lines are supposed to have the same number. I know that's true for the English on. To fix this, if it's a problem work on your enjabment. You could either break some of the lines up or just write new ones. Good try, though.
