I really did it this time!!
By Loverbear
@Loverbear (4918)
United States
January 16, 2009 12:27am CST
Today wasn't any where close to normal for me. It started off with my having to drive 30 miles to town to pick up a neighbor who needed a couple of tools to fix his vehicle that was at the dealership for a smogging. It didn't set well when I innocently mentioned that if he had mentioned to his wife (who doesn't drive) that he needed certain tools I could have brought them with me and saved him a round trip. His knuckles went white on the steering wheel! 
I got home and had thirty minutes before I had to leave with my BF for the trip to his doctor...that was 45 miles one way. I didn't have time to get anything to eat...well my not eating produces gas. No polite way to say that, I just fart like a car desperately needing a tune up! Well it held true today.
We got to the doctor's office and sat in the waiting room for about 30 minutes, and I held in that one fart...the one that I knew would clear the building and they would call the haz mat team and the fire department because of the smell. We finally got called to the examination room and I was using every muscle in my fanny to control that impending noxious cloud. I was doing so well, but for some reason God decided he needed a good laugh....I coughed and out shot that fart!! It was quiet but.... suddenly my bf and the doctor's eyes began to water, they were gasping for fresh air, coughing and finally the doctor excused himself! He jerked open the door and fled!!! My BF needed an EKG, so the nurse came in with the cart and she reached under the unit and I heard something spraying and saw the mist coming out from under the cart. Even she turned a impressive shade of green when she came in, and the smell had dissipated greatly by then. 
I could see the image in my mind of the doctor in the supply closet hooked up to the oxygen!!! When we left my BF turned to me and asked "What the hell did you eat??? Nothing that isn't rotten would have produced the smell that came out of you!!!!"
Ever have one of those days?
I got home and had thirty minutes before I had to leave with my BF for the trip to his doctor...that was 45 miles one way. I didn't have time to get anything to eat...well my not eating produces gas. No polite way to say that, I just fart like a car desperately needing a tune up! Well it held true today.
We got to the doctor's office and sat in the waiting room for about 30 minutes, and I held in that one fart...the one that I knew would clear the building and they would call the haz mat team and the fire department because of the smell. We finally got called to the examination room and I was using every muscle in my fanny to control that impending noxious cloud. I was doing so well, but for some reason God decided he needed a good laugh....I coughed and out shot that fart!! It was quiet but.... suddenly my bf and the doctor's eyes began to water, they were gasping for fresh air, coughing and finally the doctor excused himself! He jerked open the door and fled!!! My BF needed an EKG, so the nurse came in with the cart and she reached under the unit and I heard something spraying and saw the mist coming out from under the cart. Even she turned a impressive shade of green when she came in, and the smell had dissipated greatly by then.
I could see the image in my mind of the doctor in the supply closet hooked up to the oxygen!!! When we left my BF turned to me and asked "What the hell did you eat??? Nothing that isn't rotten would have produced the smell that came out of you!!!!"
Ever have one of those days?1 person likes this
3 responses
@ElicBxn (64169)
• United States
16 Jan 09
ROTFLMAO!!!!
At least it was QUIET!!!
My former roommate had LOUD farts and some of them were pretty noxious.
But my current roomie does sometimes produce room clearers!
Before I got my allergies more under control, there was some legume I ate (and it could've been cola) that would give me unbeliveable stuff coming from my gut and the smell... hard to discribe how bad it was! I would tell a few very close friends that I had discovered a new sorce of oil since the stuff was an oily green liquid.
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
16 Jan 09
When I was having my digestive problems, I would release gas that you swear was from hell! I began to believe that it fermented for months before escaping. The cats wouldn't even sleep with me, so you know how bad it was! Obviously it still hasn't gotten any better, it's just not as frequent.
My dad was excellent at the emission of noxious fumes! And he didn't care who was around...he'd just shift over to one hip and let her rip. He got rid of more company that way! Mom would be furious but it wouldn't stop him. She kept the air freshener handy. She'd go through 7 cans a week- that gives you an idea of how bad he was!!!
I am still LMAO over yesterday. That poor man probably had to summon every ounce of perseverance and courage to come back in the room after that bomb!!!
Obviously it still hasn't gotten any better, it's just not as frequent.
My dad was excellent at the emission of noxious fumes! And he didn't care who was around...he'd just shift over to one hip and let her rip. He got rid of more company that way! Mom would be furious but it wouldn't stop him. She kept the air freshener handy. She'd go through 7 cans a week- that gives you an idea of how bad he was!!!
I am still LMAO over yesterday. That poor man probably had to summon every ounce of perseverance and courage to come back in the room after that bomb!!!1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
16 Jan 09
Well the loud ones do have a bit of humor to them. I went into a store once and a darling little old lady, who was dressed impeccably was walking through the store tooting the little burppy farts. It was a riot!!! She could have saved her legs and just floated on the bursts of air. Then in one of our more expensive department stores there is a raised ceiling that makes the area acoustically perfect! I was just walking into the area when another impeccably dressed lady let one go and it sounded off throughout the entire store. There were a lot of us who couldn't help but to LOAO!
1 person likes this
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
16 Jan 09
Oh dear God, this is funny. And you have expressed it so well, I just couldnt help giggling and reading. When the discussion is sooooo funny and yet delicate, its hard trying to keep a straight face and feeling sorry for you. Well, mirth aside, I think it happens to all of us at some time or the other. Only as you say, the smell must have been really obnoxious for the doc to run away. I cant stop myself from laughing, and believe me, God must have been in one of His moods. Poor you.
Ive enjoyed every word you have written and laughed till my eyes watered. You sound like a darling, and I wish there were more people like you who could be this frank and hilarious. Im so happy to have come across your discussion. Id have hated to miss it.@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
16 Jan 09
Fortunately it was my BF's doctor and not my gynocologist! Man that would have been a killer!!!! I just can see my being there and the doctor checking out "THAT" area and blammo!!! I wonder if it would have been called murder???
I will admit that I finally figured out what caused the "problem". I found some expresso, dark chocolate malted milk balls. I bought some to try them out and ate several yesterday...well to be honest it was quite a few! As we used to say in High School, malted milk balls go in solid and come out gas!!!
I just can't take myself seriously...I would rather tell on my self and have others have a wonderful laugh. As I was writing the post I was laughing like crazy. I am very glad that you enjoyed it so much!!!
I just can see my being there and the doctor checking out "THAT" area and blammo!!! I wonder if it would have been called murder???
I will admit that I finally figured out what caused the "problem". I found some expresso, dark chocolate malted milk balls. I bought some to try them out and ate several yesterday...well to be honest it was quite a few! As we used to say in High School, malted milk balls go in solid and come out gas!!!
I just can't take myself seriously...I would rather tell on my self and have others have a wonderful laugh. As I was writing the post I was laughing like crazy. I am very glad that you enjoyed it so much!!!
