Let downs & favoritisms
@zoey7879 (3092)
Quincy, Illinois
August 29, 2009 5:03pm CST
I'm in a state of not knowing what to do with this situation.
My daughter is 8 years old, and EXTREMELY family oriented, considering her age. She was raised, off and on until she was 5 living next door to her paternal grandparents. Then we moved here, about 5 miles from my mother and step dad (my real father lives about 15 miles away from me). We stayed with my mother and father for about 6 months and then moved out into a town 5 miles away. My mother and step father drive here into town often, and in doing so, they have to drive passed my house.
In the last year, my mother has spent a grand total of 10 hours with my daughter. I don't have anyone in town that I would trust with the care of my ant farm, so I surely won't trust them with my daughter. My mother won't watch her so I can go to appointments, so I can go look for a job and go to interviews, not even so I can go out. Asides from going to school and on occasional walk with her father, I've not had any time away from my daughter.
Earlier this year, my mother became sick with something that has not yet been diagnosed, and whether or not my mother would be alive one day to the next became anyone's guess. So, instead of allowing my daughter to go visit her paternal grandparents and family out of state, I kept her here... just in case (My daughter's still traumatized over not being able to say goodbye to another family member she hadn't been able to see in a year who passed in 2007). I recently discovered that my mother has been taking my niece (she's 8 months old) 5 days a week, babysitting for my sister for free. My daughter asked to go see my mother and was told no because grandma needed some days off without kids (but still took my niece anyway). I've been given a list of reasons from being sick, to not having gas (and I offered to pay for it), to needing days without kids. I'm really not sure if it's because my sister has always had better paying jobs than I have, if it's because my daughter's mixed race (which isn't even visible, honestly!), or whether because she cant just sweep her down into a baby carrier and playpen and might have interact with my daughter when its not at her convenience. All I know is that I'm pissed because I can't get any help and even more pissed because my daughter is feeling neglected by her grandmother. I mean... She missed out on time with OTHER family to spend it with my mom, only to get the blow off.
Has this crap happened to any of you? Any suggestions on how to go about addressing this to my mother. My mother and I don't have the best relationship - she's the "Im always right, everyone else is always wrong" type.
2 people like this
3 responses
@ladym33 (10978)
• United States
30 Aug 09
Have you spoken to your mother about this and told her she is hurting your daughter's feelings. Could it be possible that her illness is such that while she can handle a baby who is not walking yet, but not able to handle an active 8 year old. Just things to consider. I am not defending her, but maybe if you sit down and discuss this with her or even talk to her over the phone you can get to the root of the problem.
My mother in law sort of did the same thing to us, and it hurt my husband's feelings a great deal, and although I am not the sort of person to not talk to people we didn't talk for 3 months. She always watched my niece, and was always available for her, but was not available for my daughter in the same way or any of the other 3 grandchildren she had at that time. She baby sat my daughter right after I had her when I went back to work three days a week, which was too much for her which I would have understood if she had just talked to me, instead she talked to everyone else and never said a word to me until she exploded on me one day. If she had just told me I would have had the lady I was paying take her an extra day, who was more than happy to do it after my mother in law left me high and dry with no babysitter 2 days a week, I had to go part time, and eventually had to quit my job because she did not communicate to me that 3 days a week was too much, I would have completely understood that. But she had no problem watching my niece 5 days a week. It was very frustrating, but my neice was the oldest of all the grandchildren so she had grandma all to herself for 2 years before the others came along. We did reconsile, and I had another baby, she watched our kids on occasion but not very often, I think my son was a year and a half when she passed away, I think she watched my kids 2 maybe 3 times in that 1 1/2 years. But we rarely ever asked her. She actually volunteered one of the times.
I think you need to talk to your mom and find out what is going on. Tell her you are hurt, and need help.
@zoey7879 (3092)
• Quincy, Illinois
30 Aug 09
Ive talked to my mother... or more like at her.. because she doesnt acknowledge what I am saying. I used to give the benefit of the doubt that it's my mother's being ill.. But you know.. if my mother can go to reuinions and parties with live music and visit other family members that have children.....
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (10978)
• United States
30 Aug 09
I'm sorry. I know that must be hard. I have found in life that very few people in this world can be really counted on. But I have learned that basically I can count on my self and my husband and that is pretty much it. My mom will watch the kids but I have to ask her like 2 months in advance. So I know how you feel.
@Sissygrl (10909)
• Canada
29 Aug 09
I very well could be wrong, cause i dont have kids that are you age.. i haven't gotten to that point yet.. but why if your daughter can voice to you her sadness and feelings of neglect.. can't she tell her grandmother about them. it may hit her more if she hears it from your daughter if you dont have the greatest relationship..
or ask her why she can't stop by a few hours a week and visit at your house.. that way she doesn't have to get the snacks, get drinks, do anything except visit (if her health doesn't allow her to move freely or pain is a problem)
After that i have no idea what to suggest, i'm sorry your mom is treating you and your family the way she is.. i am feeling lucky i have my mom around!
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
30 Aug 09
No zoey, this has not happened to me, but may be because I am the only child. However, both my parents faced something like this. And I have faced such things from my extended family so I can understand how u must feel when u face such discrimination. Hope there was a solution that I could think of for this. In my country it would not have been a great problem. But out there, I know it is tough.
